To be a bit disappointed with my birthday present?

[MinesaBottle]

I know I probably am. But anyway - my birthday was recently and weeks before I asked my husband quite specifically for an artwork I like (as in, a print of it), framed. He seemed to have understood and (probably stupidly) I was so looking forward to receiving this and thinking where I’d put it etc. Also we’re trying not to spend much at the moment so this would have been good as it didn’t cost much.

Anyway on the day he got me an experience at a spa - which is wonderful in so many ways - but isn’t what I asked for and cost way more. Obviously I haven’t told him how disappointed I was that I didn’t get the gift I’d set my heart on, and I know he thought he was doing something lovely, which he was of course! AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and let down but also like I’m being really ungrateful? He’s a lovely lovely person but not always the greatest with presents!

I think people just have very different attitudes on gift giving and it might be worth talking it out with him sometime, but not immediately after a birthday.

Helpfully DH and I are quite similar. What we both feel is that if we want something very specific, we will buy it for ourselves and we don't see the point in that being a present - it sort of feels like sending someone on an errand rather than a present.

If someone asked me exactly what I wanted and then gave it to me, I would feel uncared for, like he can't be bothered to think about what I might like, just outsourced the thinking to me.

If we asked the other what sort of thing they would like for a birthday, we would be looking for general suggestions and it would be something we threw into the mix, not definitely how we would go. So I might say "how would you feel about tickets to a gig?" He might say yes but then when I scoped out options out there might not be a good one at a convenient time so I might go with something else entirely and that would be absolutely fine for our relationship and he wouldn't feel ignored at all.

Clearly you feel differently and it makes you feel ignored when you ask for something specific and don't get it - but I think it's worth articulating this rather than just assuming it's obvious because it isn't for everyone

A spa day on your own is bliss - you’re missing out.

OP, does he actually know you dislike surprises?

Yes, I think of a spa day as much nicer on your own

Buy the print for yourself and then go on the spa. Win win!!

This is why I often buy my own Birthday present & tell my husband what he has bought me. So I know I get something great!

TBF I wouldn't like a spa day either way. A whole day just quietly reading and eating nice food yes but lounging about in a damp swimming costume and treatments, not for me really.

Well that’s up to you, but I would definitely have said something, especially if he wouldn’t like it doing to him. I strongly oppose this notion that women can’t possibly upset their DH in this way but we just smile nicely and accept it done to us. I would have said’oh - where’s the picture? That’s what I said I wanted.’ But I might be being swayed here because I definitely would not want a spa voucher.

If you don’t normally do that sort of thing and you’re not really excited by it, then it’s a lame, generic, ‘that will do’ type of present - and a DH who does that needs training to do better in future.

There are two training options:

1. as above - make it clear you’re disappointed
2. do the same to him on his next birthday. If he expresses disappointment or annoyance, you tell him that you thought we aren’t getting what the birthday person suggests because you got me a voucher and not the picture.

My DH does this all the time, i've stopped telling him what I want. He asks every year, Christmas and birthdays and I say what I want and i either get 'i'm not getting you that' or I send him screen shots and he gets me something different. I 've stopped asking now and either tell him to give me his card and i'll order my own, or leave it down to fate - which has left me with designer trainers and dresses I wouldn't be seen dead in, designer boots that don't fit my shorter legs, an extra pair of expensive hair straighteners & hideous jewellery.

I sound ungrateful - i'm not, and if it wasn't outing I would post photos.

As nice as the spa day will be, it's a bit shit of him to totally ignore the one thing that you actually asked for!
Some people are just rubbish gift givers though. I asked my H for ONE thing years ago (wasn't expensive at all) and he didn't buy it. I bought it myself after Christmas!
Another year he bought me and his mum identical jumpers 🤨
Another year he bought me a jumper in a small size. I haven't fitted in a small size for years! His reasoning was, it was a bit embarrassing to buy a larger size 🙄
He also bought me a book on how to massage other people ..... because he knows I like a massage. NOT DOING IT TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!

Definitely definitely tell him you are disappointed. Nicely, like he'd tell you. You'd be unreasonable not too. Then he'll know what's important to you for next time (being listened to), you might get what you want, you could save money not spent on future spa days, and you'll know each other better. The possible downside is he'll briefly be sad/annoyed that he didn't get it right.

Oh I'd be dissapointed with that. You made it so easy for him! Be different if he did the spa (and you was a spa person )and the art print.

Life's too short. He clearly wants to do something nice as opposed to nothing so he will be open to a discussion so you can both decide together how best to go forward.

For some people they love the idea of surprise or someone really knowing them or they are happy to get whatever themselves. We are all different. We do have to take some responsibility that we may not be able to have exactly what we want magically without any discussion.Gift giving is a skill that needs practise, and even then we can sometimes get slightly wrong. I just don't subscribe to the idea that all men just aren't capable of it.

It's not like it is in the movies. What is! It needs discussions and a plan. For my family we have a app called family gift. Everyone adds on gifts they would love to receive.It keeps the surprise element but you can also add more stars to a gift you would love most of all. You can add links and sizes so all that is very clear and easy. It has taken out so much anxiety for both of us. My husband will go off piste but always as well as the gifts he knows I will love so it's win win with surprise, thought and effort.

Definitely have a chat together op or at least a think about what you're happy with going forward.

Last year on my birthday, a friend of mine gave me two cups. When I was pouring water, the cups broke.

It’s just such a lazy present. I think a voucher for a Spa Day is about the laziest present of all. It’s just a crap generic “women’s gift” - you don’t even buy anything or wrap anything up.

It’s also the lazy myth that all women like spa days and being “pampered.”

I fucking hate being “pampered” - I don’t even like going to get my hair cut.

Fortunately my husband knows I would prefer some Lego to a spa day!

It’s on my own which is actually fine for me! No need to talk to anyone haha. He does know I don’t like surprises, but he does like them so can’t always help himself.

Why on earth would someone say ‘I’m not getting you that’ when you answer their question about what you’d like?! I’m assuming you’re not asking for something insane like a private jet here haha. That’s just rude!

Gym wear and trainers, he said I would not go 😂 probably wouldn't but my choice right

Happy Birthday to you! I don't know you but I wish you lots of happy wishes. Go treat yourself! Take yourself for a lovely lunch and walk.

I say this as I lie on a bed feeling down, low and teary. Like I'm the bottom of everyone's list. It's my birthday tomorrow and my husband came home and said he couldn't think of anything to get me, so he gave up. Our child ran off in a flood of tears upset he didn't tell her so she could have made me a card or been taken out shopping for me (child is 8). What's little left of my family don't bother with me and didn't even send a text wishing me a happy 50th last year (also did nothing last year). No cards, no gifts, no care. I don't know of one friend who's partner would do this to them. Feels like I'm not worth anything to anyone.

I feel I know how you feel and it's horrible. I do a lot to make other people's day special and although I do it happily and without wanting anything big back, it just hurts. I know so many other people have so much worse to worry about.

I honestly thought tonight why am I actually here.

Sorry, don't mean to make your post about me - just that I understand. I may take myself for a coffee and walk in the sunshine tomorrow. Say happy birthday to the mirror 😆

Hope you have a happy day x