To be a bit disappointed with my birthday present?

[MinesaBottle]

I know I probably am. But anyway - my birthday was recently and weeks before I asked my husband quite specifically for an artwork I like (as in, a print of it), framed. He seemed to have understood and (probably stupidly) I was so looking forward to receiving this and thinking where I’d put it etc. Also we’re trying not to spend much at the moment so this would have been good as it didn’t cost much.

Anyway on the day he got me an experience at a spa - which is wonderful in so many ways - but isn’t what I asked for and cost way more. Obviously I haven’t told him how disappointed I was that I didn’t get the gift I’d set my heart on, and I know he thought he was doing something lovely, which he was of course! AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and let down but also like I’m being really ungrateful? He’s a lovely lovely person but not always the greatest with presents!

You're not being unreasonable at all. Why ask someone what they want for their birthday, get a link to something that person wants, and then go and get them something completely different? Batshit.

I'd be really pissed off with a spa day. I can't think of anything worse to be honest with you - and everybody who knows me knows I would hate it.

This thread reminds me of some years ago ... My DH got into the habit of asking me what things I wanted for my birthday - and asked me for a list of things for him to choose from. I'd write down like 8 to 10 things (for him to pick 3 or 4)

He just ended up getting me about 7 things - and very rarely got me more than one thing off that list ... Sometimes not even one!!! He sometimes bought me things that he wanted/liked, like certain chocolates that he enjoyed, and a CD with music that he enjoyed.

He had this habit for a few years of buying a book, a CD, some chocolates, a bottle of brandy or whiskey, a pair of socks or gloves, a DVD, an ornament, and a puzzle book or notebook. Then he would say 'ooooh, there you go - you've got something to read, something to wear, something to listen to, something to watch, something to drink, something to eat, something to write in, and something to look at!' 🙄He was so gleeful and chuffed with himself. One problem, the majority of the time, I had not asked for one single one of these things! Most of the time, all of the 8 to 10 items on the list (that he had ASKED me to write) had been overlooked/ignored!

Most of the time, there wouldn't be something that I actually fucking asked for - like a nice piece of jewellery or a particular print, or a collectible or anything... Just generic easy to buy bollocks. (He did it on Christmases too!) After 5 or 6 years of this, I stopped saying anything and just said 'get me what you want - seriously there's nothing I particularly want just get me what you want.' I thought 'what's the point in asking or requesting stuff (as he asks me to!) as he will ignore it and buy what he wants anyway.' As pps have said, I just ended up buying some things myself!!!

I disagree with the poster, saying you can't really know that person if you don't know what they want. I've known my DH for over 30 years and I haven't got a clue what it wants for his birthday half the time. He's so bloody difficult to buy for.

nb, this past 10 years DH has been a bit 'better' and tends to listen to me when I mention something I would like, (and does buy me things I actually ask for/want!) But for the first 20 years together he was useless! 😆

And no, I'm not 'ungrateful.' 🙄 It just seems daft and pointless to spend money on stuff I never asked for, and have a house full of tat! (That ends up in landfill or in the charity shop!)

I feel like sometimes men just can’t win. He probably thought he was being thoughtful and you deserved a day of pampering. So many times men are slated for not being able to think of presents for themselves or buying things that are utterly shit and thoughtless. He did a nice thing. You’re very fortunate.

What is so 'nice' about buying someone something that they never asked for, and didn't want? And ignoring the request that they gave, and not buying what they DID want. How on earth is any women 'fortunate' to be married to a man like this? A man who listens to fuck all that she says, ignores her, does whatever he wants, and buys what he wants, knowing his wife wanted something totally different?! You have a very low bar when it comes to men, if you think what the OP's husband did is 'nice' and that she is 'fortunate.'

ChipolataSandwich · Today 22:12

I feel like sometimes men just can’t win.

Da poor iccle wiccle menz! 😢Life is so tough for them. Bwess their wiccle socky wocks. ! They have such a tough life don't they?! 😂

I’m sure he did, but if I ask someone - man or not - for a very specific thing as a birthday present, that isn’t an invitation to decide to ignore or disregard it and go off-piste. If he asked me for something specific I’d do my best to get it for him. Maybe I see things too literally.

@MinesaBottle I’m with the PP who said that essentially dictating what a gift should be and expecting that this is exactly what you shall receive is a bit pointless (IF you are in a position where you could just buy it yourself). It’s not like you’d see it on the wall and get that nice feeling of “this is something someone who knows me really well
chose for me” - although, I guess you do know yourself well!

I can obviously understand why you feel like you’ve not been listened to. But isn’t receiving gifts about being grateful for the intention more than what is actually gifted? You sound like you think the intention was very well meant, if perhaps misguided.

I don’t get why you wouldn’t tell him if it’s bothering you this much, though, especially if you know he would tell you if he was disappointed with something. Why can’t you just say the gift he got you is something you’ll enjoy, but it wasn’t what you were expecting, so you’re going to buy the print you’d asked for anyway.

I guess it depends on your perspective. I don’t like surprises and if I’m given something I want as a gift it says to me that the giver listened to me, cares about my opinion and cares about my likes/interests. I still get excited because it’s exactly what I wanted and it makes me happy to be heard and to have something I love and might not buy myself.

I know he isn’t being an arsehole, he genuinely will have thought I’d prefer it. I can’t tell him I don’t really care for it and would’ve preferred what I asked for because it’ll really upset him and I don’t want to do that, given he wasn’t being malicious. He just has different ideas about gift giving I guess. Tbh even though he knows what I’m into, it very rarely seems to occur to him that I might like something related to my interests.

YANBU, your DH asked you for the idea and acted as if it'll be taken under consideration only for you to realize it wasn't. Surely, you can buy the artwork yourself, but it would be different if it was a thoughtful gift from your SO.

Tbh even though he knows what I’m into, it very rarely seems to occur to him that I might like something related to my interests.

I was wondering if it was a case of him already having bought the spa voucher before you mentioned the print, but then you said this.

Are you sure it isn’t just pure laziness of thought: can’t even be bothered thinking of something related to your interests so he always goes for generic gifts? Spa, perfume (not your favourite), etc?

YABU. Your DH thought he was upping what you asked for. So you get the art work yourself and you got a lovely spa visit. Win win.

Well that's the nub of it: you are not a spa person and had already said what you'd like.

I think a pp was right when they said he probably forgot to get you your preferred gift and all he could manage last minute that would look vaguely good was a spa day.

This is why you're upset: there is nothing about that gift that had you and your likes specifically in mind when he bought it. It was a smash and grab present. Get yourself the picture you wanted and maybe offset the cost by selling the spa day voucher on.

When they say "it's the thought that counts" it's truer than people realise. It's a thought that says I forgot what you asked for / I don't know you well enough to know that you're not a spa person / I don't know your likes and dislikes etc / I ran out of time to give it much thought and effort

Buying things these days takes zero real effort: it's not like you have to physically traipse round lots of shops looking for a specific item so yes, showing that you listened, remembered and bought a wanted gift, in time, really counts for something.

You said he will always gently let you know if a gift you've bought him isn't quite right: you should be doing the same with him, otherwise he's going to be thinking he's great at buying gifts for you and it's you who are sometimes falling short. You need to disabuse him of that notion and fast. Start the conversation by referring to how useful you've found his feedback on your gift giving to him and then tell him why the spa day gift was a disappointment.

If you're not a spa person then it's a thoughtless gift.

I wouldn't fake being thrilled, you don't have to be horrible about it but also you don't have to perform delight at a present that isn't what you like.

Buy the picture yourself, and next event say you definitely don't want a spa day.

It's not ungrateful. A spa day is not what you wanted.

Why is he allowed to let you know but you're not allowed to let him know? Your relationship should be equal.

Honesty should be two-way.

Just do it. Have a lovely spa too.

If I want something specific, I buy it myself. My DH forgets (puts it off) until it's too late then walks around moaning about what to get me. Once he bought me an experience I'd wanted to do 20 years earlier, but held no interest anymore. I got it refunded (citing health issues) and bought myself what I said I wanted - he'd asked btw.

Was he disappointed? Yes. But after 30 years I'm over pussy footing around his feelings when he doesn't bother. He IS capable as he's managed to organise cakes, parties, gifts for his fellow hobby club members. I apparently just don't rate for effort.

@ChipolataSandwich "I feel like sometimes men just can’t win"

"What would you like for your birthday?"
"Ooh, I really really want X,please!"
So-win handed to man on a plate. Man then chooses to give something else. Woman expresses understandable mild disappointment not to him-to strangers.

Said strangers then group together to say that he's a really good guy for giving her a present at all, while suggesting that the woman is ungrateful.
Second win handed to man on a plate with a side order of undermining the woman....

Sometimes I think women just can't win!

I understand you don't want to hurt him but I think you should let him know that it is not really what you wanted otherwise why bother ever telling him what you would like as he won't get it for you. I was disappointed too many times with random gift where my DH meant well (couldn't be bothered and panicked last minute) so now I buy exactly what I want and give it to him. Anything else is a bonus!

Just buy it yourself.

#firstworldproblems.

Can you explain your reasoning as to why it's ok he ignored her request though? Why is it ok that he thinks he knows better than she does what she wants?

⬆️🤷‍♀️

That so misses the point. Why bother asking for an idea and then ignoring it. It's not so much about having the thing as feeling heard and taken seriously. Neither happened here. I'm not saying he's a bad guy. My DP is incredibly thoughtful and kind in most ways but does this too. Goes off piste, spends loads on something that I can sort of see why he chose it but its not what I want or will use. I don't have the funds to buy what I actually wanted so end up without and feeling ignored.

Thanks @curlewkate for saving me the effort of typing this exact response.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. If you’d kicked off a stink about then yeah, but I’d be disappointed too if that conversation had taken place and then the thing I was really excited about didn’t materialise.
I think I’d tactfully raise it though. Probably by saying I was thinking of buying it myself in a general chat and seeing what his reaction was.

I dont think your feelings are unreasonable but I do think he wanted to suprise you by getting something 'better'. He is lovely...but misread you!

Also, a spa day is pretty crap on your own. Was it for two or is the op going to have to find and fund someone to go with her? It's the sort of thing a man might well not take into account.