WWYD about unwanted person at funeral?

[WorriedAndFree]

This isn't just an unwanted person but someone who is also a risk to more than 1 family member of the deceased person. Unwanted person is not a family member.

For context, This person is my ex. I have had nothing (comsentually) to do with him in over 2 years. We have no familial ties like DC and i also have a non mol against him which is due to expire on 12th March. I posted last week about an incident in which he approached and became aggressive with another few of my family members, which resulted in my 10yo DB getting really scared and upset. My DGM died late last week. DGD has been in the pub all day dealing with his grief but has come in quite upset that ex has badgered him for most of that, begging him to be allowed to attend the funeral/wake. My DGD said no and asked him to leave him alone. He persisted until my grandad left. Annoyingly he/we isn't even allowed to grieve his own wife's death without ex making people uncomfortable and it all about him.

We are now worried that ex will just turn up and impose himself on us at an extremely raw time for my family. The location is being kept to family only and the places who need to cater to us but clearly nothing says secret in this town. I'm also now considering not attending because i cant really deal with this, grief and also have DC in tow.

WWYD. How can we make sure he doesn't ruin this without having to not have a wake/funeral all together?

Has anyone got a number of large friends to act as bouncers?

Can you call the police and explain and ask if the non mol can be extended past the funeral date as he is now harassing your family and threatening to turn up at the funeral?

You need to prep the venue that you may have an unwanted guest that you'll require removing. Hopefully the manager will then be able to deal with it should it be required.

As you currently have a non mol in place, I would speak to the police about it. Maybe they can ward him off? At the very least, it’ll show a record if you need to apply for a new one

Can you afford to hire security?

Tell him the funeral is the day after the actual date?

If the funeral is taking place in a church then I don't think you can prevent him from attending. Churches are public spaces, even during weddings, christenings, funerals, etc. Of course if it is at a crematorium then I believe that it is considered private property and he can be prevented from entering.

Disgraceful behaviour towards your grandfather. I’m so sorry.

I would speak to police given you have a non mol in place.

Have you applied to extend your job-Mol yet?

I'm so sorry about your DGM

The non mol wasn't made through the police, I had to seek the order myself because they were utterly useless at the time. I have already reported him for approaching, harrassing and threatening my family since the order has been made but apparently because its not part of the conditions he's allowed to do this, unless they seek their own protection order. Its unlikely they will help with this.

There isn't really anyone we could ask for protection, my only help/support in my safety through all of this was a family member who sadly died last year. My DGD does have friends who could likely step in if anything happened as they know about the incident last week and we could possibly ask the pub to tell him to leave but it means having to worry about what if and something happening at the time. The last thing we need is added distress on an already traumatic day.

See if you can move the funeral.

@ShamrockShenanigans this is our plan to feed an inaccurate date and time to him but he's an alcoholic and is out all the time anyways so it's quite likely he will see someone on the day dressed in funeral attire and put 2 and 2 together.

@TinyMouseTheatre No I haven't applied for an extension, after speaking to a few services it was clear I didn't have grounds for it so it would be a pointless application. This was before my DGM passed though and I'm not sure how quick an application would be considered.

While they are unlikely to help I suggest that it would be worth reporting the issue to them.

I would make it clear to them that his behaviour may lead to a breach of the peace. They probably dont want the hassle of having to deal with a brawl if they can avoid it especially at a funeral so may be persuadable.

I would also suggest that from what you have said it is a Child Protection issue and push that aspect of it hard.

Given his behaviour I suggest a new non-mol covering your entire family and friends may well be called for

Speak to the funeral directors. They will be able to advise you as will have seen it many times before. Give them photos of him to recognise.
If they're not allowed to ban him from coming in, they can certainly seat him at the back and be ready to escort him out if needed.
I don't know if you can make a funeral private, but you can certainly do burial graveside family only.
For the wake, also speak to venue and ask them to put things in place so they're ready to ask him to leave if needed.

What will happen if he turns up?

You say he’s a risk - that’s a police issue.

If he’ll just be there (but by his presence cause distress), then it’s trickier.

I would speak to all of the family members and anyone involved in the funeral and ask them not to tell anyone any details.

Have a plan all together to be polite but don’t try and appease him.
If he turns up just ignore him and ask him nicely to leave you alone as it’s not the time or the place.
Have everyone else do the same.

If he becomes difficult then threaten to call the police.
If he carries on, then call them.

You can’t not go because it sounds like he’ll try and go whether you’re there or not, so it wouldn’t be fair to your family.
You all need to stick together.

Bouncer and list.
there's only one name on the list.

Bouncer double checks vs ID, no id. Ask to see mobile phone name etc on settings screen

He is unpredictable so its not 100% clear what could or would happen if he turned up but best case scenario he would just sit there imposing on everyone (particularly DGD) and making everyone fearful and uncomfortable. Worst case scenario he would target myself or my mum in a verbal or physical attack.

The grounds I had for a non mol wasn't just abuse, it was a year and a half of stalking, harrassment, having my house broken in to, myself and friends assaulted if they were seen with me, him sleeping in my garden. I haven't had friends for 3 years, I can't date, I can't go in pubs, I been seen passing a greeting in public to a man etc because everyone around me and their safety is at risk.

I would contact the police maybe you need to get another order in place as it sounds like he hasn’t learnt from his actions op.

Report to the police. Alert venue and funeral directors. Carry on as normal and focus on your DGM. Don’t let him into your head.

Could you employ a security guard for the day? I was worried about someone turning up to a funeral but I told my DH to call the security guard who works at the cemetery if they turned up.

Are you private hiring a venue for the wake? I would speak to them about how they will limit uninvited guests

Professional security is probably something we wont we able to fund, although i can look into it just as a possibility. We are just about managing to scrape together for the unexpected funeral costs on top of normal living expenses.

Part of the venue will be privately hired for the wake but the rest remains open to the public.

I would ring the local police station and ask for their advice.

As PPs have said, I’d also speak to the funeral place.

Find out if you can ban him completely and if not what behaviour would be enough to have the police remove him.

I don’t know enough about non-mol orders but I thought this meant he can’t come and bother you.

I'm going to speak to my DGD tomorrow when he sober's up and try and come up with a plan to cover all possibilities.

I feel more guilty now than I ever have for bringing this awful being into their lives😢 our family can't even grieve in peace, it's honestly exhausting!

This is so hard for you because he's already causing upset and will do so on the funeral day, whether or not he shows up. Obviously this is his intention. Have you spoken to the funeral director? I'm sure you will not be the first family to have faced this situation.