WWYD about unwanted person at funeral?

[WorriedAndFree]

This isn't just an unwanted person but someone who is also a risk to more than 1 family member of the deceased person. Unwanted person is not a family member.

For context, This person is my ex. I have had nothing (comsentually) to do with him in over 2 years. We have no familial ties like DC and i also have a non mol against him which is due to expire on 12th March. I posted last week about an incident in which he approached and became aggressive with another few of my family members, which resulted in my 10yo DB getting really scared and upset. My DGM died late last week. DGD has been in the pub all day dealing with his grief but has come in quite upset that ex has badgered him for most of that, begging him to be allowed to attend the funeral/wake. My DGD said no and asked him to leave him alone. He persisted until my grandad left. Annoyingly he/we isn't even allowed to grieve his own wife's death without ex making people uncomfortable and it all about him.

We are now worried that ex will just turn up and impose himself on us at an extremely raw time for my family. The location is being kept to family only and the places who need to cater to us but clearly nothing says secret in this town. I'm also now considering not attending because i cant really deal with this, grief and also have DC in tow.

WWYD. How can we make sure he doesn't ruin this without having to not have a wake/funeral all together?

How does he know the date of the funeral? Why did anyone think it a good idea to tell him?

Sorry for your loss

Just for reference his specific conditions are...

To not use or threaten any violence
To not threaten, harrass, intimidate or pester
To enter my street or an address where I live or am staying
To not communicate directly to me in any way
Not to make posts about me on social media
Not instruct/encourage a person to do anything stated in the order, especially on his behalf

Apparently it's impossible to have a clause for him to not be in the same place as me because it would prevent him from living his daily life as I did raise this when the order was made. So it makes his actions quite tricky to class as a breech.

I'd hire a professional security man, may cost a few hundred but worth it?

@RampantIvy As far as I'm aware he doesn't actually know the specific details yet, he is currently just begging and pushing for "permission" to attend and gain that information.

My DGD says he was relentless for about 2 hours, following him around, buying him drinks, offering to pay for the funeral. The more my grandad said no, the more he found another thing to offer as a persuasion until my grandad gave up and had to leave. Its this attitude that is making me worry. Why is he forcefully so desperate to attend when there is no actual reason to? He isn't family, he has no ties that may make his attendance reasonable, my DGM didn't even like him in the little interactions that they had together.

It’s any excuse to be involved with you and your family, why would any want to attend a funeral for someone they had no relationship with ? He is clearly unhinged .

i would bet he wont come and he definitely cannot come to the wake

I would suggest getting in touch with a Womens Aid organisation for advise and support in going to The Police for a further non-mol.

You need to talk to your funeral director. They’ll have encountered this thousands of times before.

I feel more guilty now than I ever have for bringing this awful being into their lives😢 our family can't even grieve in peace, it's honestly exhausting!

Please try not to feel like this. You are NOT responsible for his behaviour. I’m sure your family don’t blame you.

I think, as others have said, the best thing you can do is prepare yourself - and those involved with organising the funeral - for the fact that he may try to push his way in. Confide in anyone you feel comfortable telling that this could happen, and ask them not to share details of the funeral with anyone. Ensure the staff at the wake venue know what the issue is, what he looks like etc., and insist that no one is allowed into the private area without your expressed permission. Given that you say he’s an alcoholic and known in the area, is there a chance he’s already known by this venue? If he’s someone they’d recognise as a troublemaker, that could stand in your favour.

I hope it goes as well as it can.

I would speak to the venue and explain your section is private hire and their customers are not invited. They should be able to close doors or section off in some way.

If he turns up tell them and they will speak to him and ask him to leave.

I didn't mean for you to buy private security.

Can you arrange for CCTV?

If he approaches and pesters your DGD again, can he tell him if he comes anywhere near the funeral, he'll be calling the police on him?

Not sure if that'll make him back off or make him worse though. Hard to tell with these types.

Did you say he's an alcoholic?

Can you bung some cash to a trustworthy acquaintance to take him out somewhere on the other side of town for the day

Ex is an alcoholic yes so usually hanging around or has ears and eyes in most of the pubs.

DGD and DGM only usually went to one venue together that is still open so it's unlikely I could persuade him to host the wake elsewhere as its quite a special place for their memories.