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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me decide....

42 replies

Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 13:33

I have a group of school friends ( of 60 years) we started meeting up about 15 years ago again after a hiatus of bringing up our own families. 5 of us, one joined recently now she is semi retired. We have a whatsapp group chat to arrange coffee meetings Christmas lunches etc usually about 5 times a year. I couldn't make the last meet which is a first. The problem I have is that I put on the group chat about a challenge my daughter is doing for a breast cancer charity, it was a polite request to help with this good cause under no pressure All of them read it but not one answered, I would not be offended if they said sorry we don't want to support but I am upset they all read it and I had no response. I might add 2 very close members of my family had breast cancer so it is a cause close to our hearts. Am I being unreasonable to take a back seat from these friends? They are all very well off financially but I reiterate what they do with their money is up yo them it's being ignored that has upset me

OP posts:
Rabssccuttlefissh · 03/03/2025 13:37

I have certain charities that I support. If I had been one of your friends, I would not have wanted to donate to that charity. To be honest, I wouldn’t have replied because how do you phrase it?

Let it go @Deepf60 , it’s not worth losing your friends over this issue.

tarheelbaby · 03/03/2025 13:38

Perhaps they are all politely disregarding it? Perhaps no one wants to come out and say, 'don't put those kinds of messages on the group chat.' so they are all ignoring it. Since you say the purpose of the chat group it to arrange meetings, using it for other messages, however worthy, is a change. Maybe use the chat to invite them all to meet up. Then you can ask them in person to support your daughter's charity.

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 13:43

I think you’d be completely unreasonable to do anything in response to them not responding to your fundraising request. How you feel about a cause is your own business. They’re communicating by not responding. They haven’t ignored you. They just didn’t respond to one specific message that wasn’t about the group’s usual purpose. Could be they’re sick of being asked to sponsor people , could be they don’t ever give money to people doing ‘challenges’ (I don’t), could be they already support breast cancer charities via regular donation. It’s not some kind of personal insult. Chalk it up to experience and be less thin-skinned.

loropianalover · 03/03/2025 13:44

Was there not a thread very similar to this only a few days ago?

How long ago was this message sent OP - could they not just be putting it on the long finger to do at the end of the week/when they have their credit card next to them/when they mention it to their partner to decide how much to give? I think you’re overreacting a bit by wanting to pull back from friendships - they’ve not done anything wrong. These are pretty casual friends you see 4 or 5 times a year.

If I got a message like this in a group chat I’d feel a bit crass replying ‘omg great work Sarah, I shall donate now!!’. I feel it puts a bit of pressure on the others to respond and say similar, then people feel they have to donate.

In future I think it’s best to only send these links with a message like ‘Sarah is doing this charity run, if possible we’d love to get people to share it on their FB pages for awareness!’ or something similar.

Original poster
Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 13:54

Rabssccuttlefissh · 03/03/2025 13:37

I have certain charities that I support. If I had been one of your friends, I would not have wanted to donate to that charity. To be honest, I wouldn’t have replied because how do you phrase it?

Let it go @Deepf60 , it’s not worth losing your friends over this issue.

I put the link on the chat and said ...no pressure to donate but would appreciate them considering supporting this great cause.

OP posts:
MathsMum3 · 03/03/2025 13:56

They haven't responded because ...... what would they say? If it were me, I might say something like "Great charity, good luck with the fund raising", but this would be no indication of whether I'd donate or not. If I wanted to donate, I'd do so without telling everyone, and if I didn't want to donate, I'd also say nothing. Don't read too much into it. Not worth losing friends over.

Original poster
Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 13:58

loropianalover · 03/03/2025 13:44

Was there not a thread very similar to this only a few days ago?

How long ago was this message sent OP - could they not just be putting it on the long finger to do at the end of the week/when they have their credit card next to them/when they mention it to their partner to decide how much to give? I think you’re overreacting a bit by wanting to pull back from friendships - they’ve not done anything wrong. These are pretty casual friends you see 4 or 5 times a year.

If I got a message like this in a group chat I’d feel a bit crass replying ‘omg great work Sarah, I shall donate now!!’. I feel it puts a bit of pressure on the others to respond and say similar, then people feel they have to donate.

In future I think it’s best to only send these links with a message like ‘Sarah is doing this charity run, if possible we’d love to get people to share it on their FB pages for awareness!’ or something similar.

Edited

About a week ago.Maybe I will give them more time and arrange a meet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 13:59

MathsMum3 · 03/03/2025 13:56

They haven't responded because ...... what would they say? If it were me, I might say something like "Great charity, good luck with the fund raising", but this would be no indication of whether I'd donate or not. If I wanted to donate, I'd do so without telling everyone, and if I didn't want to donate, I'd also say nothing. Don't read too much into it. Not worth losing friends over.

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
GreyAreas · 03/03/2025 14:00

It's not you, or your daughter, or the cause, it's just that requests create awkwardness. Also, you check the chat, see it is something you can respond to later, and then just forget.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 03/03/2025 14:00

I would have ignored as well. I really dislike people trying to get me to donate to a charity of their choice, close friends included.

Cally102 · 03/03/2025 14:03

By saying you will give them more time sort of suggests you expect them to yes to donating. I think friendship whatsapp groups áre not really the place for these requests.

Catza · 03/03/2025 14:04

A chap at work was doing a charity run and sent an email with a link. I didn't feel the need to reply to the email despite donating the money. I think you are overreacting. Why would anyone need to reply?

gamerchick · 03/03/2025 14:05

Don't put that stuff in group chats I think. It puts people's hackles up, especially when this time of year we get loads of requests for money for various challenges.

Original poster
Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 14:06

Cally102 · 03/03/2025 14:03

By saying you will give them more time sort of suggests you expect them to yes to donating. I think friendship whatsapp groups áre not really the place for these requests.

The WhatsApp group is our only communication platform. It's not just for meeting arrangements.

OP posts:
strawlight · 03/03/2025 14:08

The problem is you donate to one charity fundraiser, then another comes along, then another, and eventually you feel obliged to sponsor someone’s grandkid to stay quiet for an hour for a new see-saw in a random school playground, and so on and so forth it never bloody ends.

My policy is not to donate, unless it’s an exceptional cause or circumstance in which case I will do it quietly and without pressure. I think putting it in a private chat is a bit much, stick it on your social media pages where people can pretend they didn’t even see it.

Original poster
Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 14:09

gamerchick · 03/03/2025 14:05

Don't put that stuff in group chats I think. It puts people's hackles up, especially when this time of year we get loads of requests for money for various challenges.

The group chat is the only way we communicate
I take on board what you say .

OP posts:
ZookeeperSE · 03/03/2025 14:09

They may feel a bit irritated that they have been out in that position because, as PPs said, how do you phrase it? I give plenty to the charities I want to support, I am sure my friends do the same. Do you consider them your friends or not, because I think it’s really odd that you’re considering ending friendships over this.

Original poster
Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 14:10

Catza · 03/03/2025 14:04

A chap at work was doing a charity run and sent an email with a link. I didn't feel the need to reply to the email despite donating the money. I think you are overreacting. Why would anyone need to reply?

Point taken

OP posts:
Original poster
Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 14:16

strawlight · 03/03/2025 14:08

The problem is you donate to one charity fundraiser, then another comes along, then another, and eventually you feel obliged to sponsor someone’s grandkid to stay quiet for an hour for a new see-saw in a random school playground, and so on and so forth it never bloody ends.

My policy is not to donate, unless it’s an exceptional cause or circumstance in which case I will do it quietly and without pressure. I think putting it in a private chat is a bit much, stick it on your social media pages where people can pretend they didn’t even see it.

I'm not on social media. The only way we communicate is on the group chat but thank you for your input

OP posts:
Original poster
Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 14:17

ZookeeperSE · 03/03/2025 14:09

They may feel a bit irritated that they have been out in that position because, as PPs said, how do you phrase it? I give plenty to the charities I want to support, I am sure my friends do the same. Do you consider them your friends or not, because I think it’s really odd that you’re considering ending friendships over this.

Edited

Maybe I am odd but I would never ignore a friends message. Thank you anyway

OP posts:
tallhotpinkflamingo · 03/03/2025 14:23

Send a follow up message asking directly about it and if they don't reply to that either you know where you stand.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 03/03/2025 14:23

Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 14:09

The group chat is the only way we communicate
I take on board what you say .

Show quote history

That's fine, but then don't expect people to reply.

Growlybear83 · 03/03/2025 14:28

I would find it very irritating to be asked on a group chat to donate to a charity, and I'm saying that as someone who has had breast cancer, donated to Breast Cancer Now for many years, and who gave up huge amounts of my time as a volunteer support worker. Sorry but I think you were really inappropriate and I would have ignored you too.

Londonrach1 · 03/03/2025 14:31

Yabu. I'd have ignored if too in a group chat. Doesn't make them any less of a friend.

Original poster
Deepf60 · 03/03/2025 14:32

IMustDoMoreExercise · 03/03/2025 14:23

That's fine, but then don't expect people to reply.

Show quote history

Yes maybe I'm expecting too much for people to be polite, ignoring a message is something I would never do. Thank you for your reply.

OP posts: