Help me decide....

[Deepf60]

I have a group of school friends ( of 60 years) we started meeting up about 15 years ago again after a hiatus of bringing up our own families. 5 of us, one joined recently now she is semi retired. We have a whatsapp group chat to arrange coffee meetings Christmas lunches etc usually about 5 times a year. I couldn't make the last meet which is a first. The problem I have is that I put on the group chat about a challenge my daughter is doing for a breast cancer charity, it was a polite request to help with this good cause under no pressure All of them read it but not one answered, I would not be offended if they said sorry we don't want to support but I am upset they all read it and I had no response. I might add 2 very close members of my family had breast cancer so it is a cause close to our hearts. Am I being unreasonable to take a back seat from these friends? They are all very well off financially but I reiterate what they do with their money is up yo them it's being ignored that has upset me

You sent them a link so they could donate if they wanted to. I don't think it required a response. If a friend sent me a link like that in a group chat I might message separately if I made a donation, but I wouldn't do in the group because it's just virtue signalling and you never fully know other people's circumstances and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel pressured to donate.

No pressure, but you'll withdraw your friendship if they don't respond?

Thank you

"I put the link on the chat and said ...no pressure to donate but would appreciate them considering supporting this great cause."

That's not a message that needs a reply, especially in a group chat. If I was in a group and received that message I would read it, I might donate or might not, I might come back to it later on, but I wouldn't reply. There's also question that needs answering, there's no mention of a personal circumstance that needs a word of support.

I think you're overreacting. Let it go and carry on with the friendship.

OP this is a crazy thing to lose friendships over

There's also question that needs answering - that was meant to say "there's no question that needs answering". Can't edit on the app.

'no pressure but......'

Bad idea. They’ve already made it plain where they stand.

YABU because you are expecting them to act as you would act, they are not you. They do not act as you would because they are not you.

They could be furious that you've put it in the chat because "insert some personal reason to them here" - but you don't know that because you're not them.

See what I'm trying to do?

Let them be them, stop expecting them to act in a certain way because its what you would do, and stop getting annoyed (and thinking of stepping back!?!) because they haven't. You can't control how others act, you can only control your reaction.

Let them - Mel Robbins.

I would let it go OP.

I hate sponsored this that or the others. When DC were little we would just sponsor them for £20-£30 rather than forcing it down peoples throats and any awkwardness.

BIL did something fairly recently and SIL put something about it on a family whatsapp group but no link to donate and I was busy and forgot to ask her. At a family gathering she laid into MIL about it and had a go at us all. Really no need.

I don't see why you should have expected a response.
I have passed on similar things for my daughter. Some people sponsored her some didn't. I don't think any of them responded to the message which was just to make them aware it was happening and to sponsor her if they wanted to.
It hasn't affected my friendship with them in any way.

But you have sent a message that they can’t really not ignore, unless they respond with the only response that will be acceptable (‘I have donated’). It is far more damaging to your friendship for someone to say ‘I don’t donate to X cause because of Y’ as that’s directly criticising or judging your daughter’s choice to fundraise for X and could (would?) be taken personally. Or they say ‘this isn’t really the place for fundraising begging texts and it’s made us feel uncomfortable’ and again that feels personal.

The silence IS their response. You’ve put them on the spot asking for money and they aren’t willing or able to respond with confirmation they’ve donated. So they have said nothing.

If you’re willing to withdraw your friendship over this, imagine how much worse your reaction would be if they’d taken one of the other options for a response!

I don’t donate to charities like this due to the frankly ludicrous % of the donations that covers the operating costs. I donate to local food banks, present drives for disadvantaged children, feeding families Christmas hampers etc though, where the donations all actually reach the people in need. I don’t discuss this with others because again, it can be quite an emotive subject and my own feelings could be seen as a criticism of someone who does donate to them and feels strongly that they are doing a great thing in the process. Lots of others have told you similar stories on here about blanket refusals to donate for a variety of reasons and principles.

Them being your friends does not obligate them to stick a tenner into your daughter’s fundraising pot, and it’s quite odd that you don’t seem to see this.

I don't think it requires a response. It's just a 'notice'. Tbh I prob wouldn't donate to a breast cancer charity as I feel it's very well funded already compared to other cancers. But I wouldn't respond saying that to a friend therefore I'd say nothing.
I already donate monthly to blood cancer uk charity and save the children.

You say you are school friends of 60 years, so you must be in your 60s.

At this age it's not uncommon for people to have had life experiences that have drawn them to particular charities that they wish to support. For you it's breast cancer, for another it could be dementia, for another lung disease, for another guide dogs, etc, etc. Unless it's normal for members of that group to be posting requests to support their favoured charity, they probably feel uncomfortable being asked to do so for a charity that is less important to them than their chosen one(s).

They may feel that for one person to suddenly make such a request in a situation where it isn't the norm is quite rude and to think that quietly ignoring the perceived 'faux pas' is the most polite way to respond.

Mid 70s

Hopefully after 60 years you still consider the group to be your friends even if they choose not to sponsor your daughter? You wouldn't fall out over something like that.

My friends know that I would never sponsor a challenge as I believe that for the person wanting sponsorship it's more about the challenge than the charity. (I once offered a friend £££ towards the charity that she was supposedly running the London Marathon to support, but the condition was that she didn't actually run the marathon. Obviously she refused. She wanted to run the marathon more than she wanted to support the charity).

It’s just a bit awkward. Money is tight for a lot of people now. Giving to charity may not be their priority.