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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shared parental leave not going how I expected

26 replies

Rockyroader · 03/03/2025 12:35

DH and I are using shared parental leave but it’s not working out how I expected. I was reluctant to give up a few months of my maternity leave but everyone told me how it would make my partner appreciate me, turn us into equal parents etc but I don’t think that’s happening at all.

DD is 10 months and most days DH has her sitting in her playpen watching tv whilst he does some DIY, work (!) or watches his phone. I’m wfh so can hear them downstairs. I am purposefully staying out of their way but it’s making me so angry as I can hear DD whinging all day, because she’s bored and wants attention! When I log off I feel I have to go straight downstairs and play with her, do bathtime dinner and bed so she gets some attention. I’m still doing the lions share of cleaning, cooking, washing etc and looking after our toddler after nursery.

They’ve been out of the house a few times to the supermarket and that’s it, I sent DH some classes etc to go to but he didn’t get round to booking them so they’re full now.

Just need to vent really as I’m gutted I’ve given up my time to spend with DD and I feel bad for her.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 03/03/2025 12:42

I'd be raging OP, have you talked to him?

Original poster
Rockyroader · 03/03/2025 12:44

Also I know that babies don’t need stimulation 24/7 and she is extremely good at independent play (will play for 30 mins at a time) but not all day long with no interaction! She has been mobile for a long time (since 7 months) and needs interaction to burn her energy up. When I was off we would go to baby groups, classes, soft play or to the park. There’s no shortage of things to do here and money isn’t an issue either.

OP posts:
Toodaloo1567 · 03/03/2025 12:46

You are right to be worried. Maternity/paternity leave is not a holiday.

In any other situation, dumping a baby in front of a screen for the majority of the day would be viewed as neglect.

Your child needs high quality interactions to learn language, social norms and NOW is the crucial time of brain development. Your child is at risk of language and social delay. Interaction time doesn’t have to be all day long, but it needs to be more than your partner is doing. Your child needs storytimes, snack time politeness education, nursery rhymes and singing, going out and counting the birds in the trees.

Your partner needs to realise that child development doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and even when the baby is not talking yet, they are always listening.

If your partner refuses to step up, then you both need to switch things up so that he goes back to work, and you and/or a nursery can take over.

pikkumyy77 · 03/03/2025 12:47

You are very much not unreasonable! I would be furious!

Toodaloo1567 · 03/03/2025 12:48

I am just seriously upset by reading this. How utterly, utterly lonely for the child.

YellowRoom · 03/03/2025 12:52

This is neglect.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 03/03/2025 12:52

Well colour me surprised.

I’d be raging in your shoes OP. He needs to be at baby groups and out in the fresh air and engaging with her.

SilenceInside · 03/03/2025 12:53

I would be very unhappy with that level of "interaction" with your DD. I would sit down and have a discussion with him about what the point of parental leave is, which is to care for your child. Not work, or ignore her. She needs to get out of the house, interact with the world, other people, play.... you know all of this, I'd ask him why he apparently doesn't.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 03/03/2025 12:54

He thinks he on holiday. He's taking the fucking piss. I would be furious.

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2025 12:56

I don't think that is how m/pl should be! You need to speak to him, it is not a holiday for him to chill.

PullTheBricksDown · 03/03/2025 12:56

No, I'd be going nuclear at this. There will be drop in sessions at children's centres, churches and the like where you don't have to book. He takes her to one of those every day. He also takes her to the park unless it's raining stair rods the entire day. If I could manage that with PND, so can he. Tv only after those two things have happened and he's done some housework. Those would be my requirements or I'd be sending him back to work and telling people why.

LilacSeal · 03/03/2025 12:57

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 03/03/2025 12:54

He thinks he on holiday. He's taking the fucking piss. I would be furious.

I’m putting bets on the fact he wanted shared parental leave as he thought it would be a doss from work.

OP how long has this been going on for? I couldn’t look my DH in the eye if he had left my son in his playpen for watching tv all day.

Stai · 03/03/2025 13:07

This is not how you would expect maternity, paternity, or shared parental leave to go.

You have a neglectful husband and father, there is no way I would even think about being with a man who treated his family with such disdain. This isn’t normal. I would honestly make plans to leave, he obviously doesn’t want to be a father and you don’t want your child growing up with a father who views them with such contempt.

lechatnoir · 03/03/2025 13:13

I'd be bloody fuming too. Practically, I'd get rid of the playpen - no discussion just remove & announce it's gone and dd needs more interaction & stimulation. I'd also book in (if you can afford it) swimming lessons once a week during his time and one other class or activity & insist he takes her. Plus make sure he's the one doing the food shop and give him practical suggestions to engage he whilst shopping - basically put her in the trolley & chat to her whilst she's facing him for an hour! If all else fails I'd be packing him back off to work or quite possibly losing all respect and admiration and be sending him on his way

Lourdes12 · 03/03/2025 13:15

Tell him to do his job as a dad properly or he has to pay for a nanny

Original poster
Rockyroader · 03/03/2025 13:16

So I may have exaggerated a bit as I’ve remembered he has taken DD to a church group once and he took her to a soft play last week for an hour or so. But they don’t seem to have plans very often. She’s safe and not shut in another room or anything but I hate listening to her whinging when I know the problem is that she just wants attention and interaction a bit!

OP posts:
CHEESEY13 · 03/03/2025 13:16

You're heading for burn-out at this rate.

LilacSeal · 03/03/2025 13:22

Rockyroader · 03/03/2025 13:16

So I may have exaggerated a bit as I’ve remembered he has taken DD to a church group once and he took her to a soft play last week for an hour or so. But they don’t seem to have plans very often. She’s safe and not shut in another room or anything but I hate listening to her whinging when I know the problem is that she just wants attention and interaction a bit!

You sort of made it out like DH leaves her in playpen watching tv all day, is that the truth? Or also an exaggeration, I personally think 15 mins here and there whilst she’s content is fine

I don’t think you’re a bad parent for not taking your children out all the time, but even a 30 mon walk would be beneficial.

If she’s whining and DH is leaving her and not picking her up and acting as if she’s not there, then that’s definitely an issue

Newmumburnout · 03/03/2025 13:23

I would be very unhappy with this. Left unchecked this is going to cause major issues with your relationship with DH as you will resent him. You need to have a conversation with his explain what the issue is and why. It might be that he thinks this is ok as her basic needs are met. Try and get him on the same page so it doesn't cause further issues. I, like you, think it's unacceptable.

AlohaRose · 03/03/2025 13:27

In none of your posts have you said whether you have spoken to him about this? You shouldn't have to treat him like a child but if what it takes is for you to give him a list of groups and activities that you want him to attend, then so be it! I know you said groups are booked up but presumably the playgroup is open to all and there will be other things like library rhyme time etc where there are no limits on numbers. Tell him leaving the house every day is non-negotiable.

Reugny · 03/03/2025 13:28

Rockyroader · 03/03/2025 13:16

So I may have exaggerated a bit as I’ve remembered he has taken DD to a church group once and he took her to a soft play last week for an hour or so. But they don’t seem to have plans very often. She’s safe and not shut in another room or anything but I hate listening to her whinging when I know the problem is that she just wants attention and interaction a bit!

So he's taken her out once a week for two weeks?

mistlethrush · 03/03/2025 13:35

I had to go back to work when DS was 6 months - just one of those things - he then went into nursery - but I worked 4 days in a condensed 3.5 days so picked him up early on a Thursday and had Friday at home with him. DH wondered why nothing much was done in the house but he got to take the odd Friday off when I had something else on and wasn't able to do all the things I normally did with DS... We used to do a singing class, then a coffee morning meet up, and a swimming lesson... And the dog needed walking at some stage too!

Was your DH aware of what your normal timetable was when you were on Mat leave?

Putting her in a playpen and letting her grizzle is cruel and a complete lack of understanding about what PL is meant to be about - it's not 'time off', it's meant for the important job of giving children a good start - and what he's doing isn't contributing to that at all.

MzHz · 03/03/2025 13:39

You need to take 30 mins now and go downstairs and speak to him. You need to tell him that he needs to step into this Paternity Leave so that it is FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE CHILD, and not his Youtube stats.

Tell him that you want to see his activity plan with her and that he needs to go the groups, take her baby massage/swimming/baby cinema/whatever is available and get some structure into this.

Remind him that you gave up your leave for him and that you are not happy with her sat in the playpen all day. if you were paying a nanny and she did this, you'd get rid. If this was a nursery, you would leave and find somewhere better.

Remind him that this is PATERNITY LEAVE, not ANNUAL LEAVE and he is not on holiday.

Poor little mite, she needs better than this.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/03/2025 13:43

I'm assuming you can't actually go back on maternity leave so yes I'd be fricking raging with him.

She'd be better off starting nursery now and sending him back to work. Being a SAHP is not for everyone but he either needs to step up or admit it.

Have you got any guides as to what she would be doing in nursery all day ? or if she were in the care of a professional nanny? It can be that he really doesn't know what good looks like [nor has the inclination to find out admittedly]

SatinHeart · 03/03/2025 13:53

I wouldn't be particularly impressed with that OP, but DH and I did SPL and for lots of reasons it didn't turn out how I'd hoped. So much so that he refused to do it for DC2! There's no excuse for your OH not picking up the laundry etc, but I think you need to start with a non-accusatory chat about your different expectations of parental leave and find out if he is clueless, struggling or just doesn't care.

Here's what my DH said were his biggest struggles:

DH found taking DC to baby groups very stressful because there were no other dads there and all the mums excluded him (I had this confirmed by other mums later on).

DC started crawling right at the point we swapped over so he had to to all of the babyproofing the house and constantly watch DC in a way I hadn't had to. He got really anxious about DC getting hurt.

I didn't WFH much but DC could tell I was still in the house somewhere and whinged for me, which didn't happen if I went to the office.

Not sure what your exact work setup is OP but if there's an option for you not to be WFH, it might actually help your sanity.