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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking on most of the responsibility in the house but partner thinks I’ve given up my life?

31 replies

supposedtobehere · 03/03/2025 10:08

Me and my partner moved in together a year ago after a year of dating. He has three kids from a previous marriage and I have a little boy. We all live together now, and I have enjoyed it but it has been difficult. My little boy was only 21 months so we moved cities to live with my partner (his dad has never been in the picture, moved countries when he found out I was pregnant despite being in a relationship with me for years). I treat all the kids the same, make sure they all have what they need.

I work full time, partner works part time. I do most of the house management - cooking, shopping and cleaning. Partner likes to go to the gym a lot and spend time at football. I make most of the money and it feels like I have to contribute more to keep us afloat.

Anyway, I have been diagnosed with a health condition recently which has led me to feeling really down and depressed, and struggling at work. I have confided in my partner that i feel really down and anxious. He has responded saying that “women always do this, get into relationships and neglect their hobbies and friendships. That’s why you’re depressed”. When I said “what do you mean?” He said he didn’t mean me, just women generally (wtf?) but that my work and home was my whole life and I wait for him to get home (I really don’t).

I see my friends regularly (when I can with work and looking after kids). I have tried to build up friendship groups in my partners city.

I’m really upset about what he said. Should I be? I feel unsupported and feel like he thinks I’m a loser.

OP posts:
Cornflakes44 · 03/03/2025 10:12

Why is he only working part time? Why are you doing the majority of the household stuff? And paying more? Why are you looking after his kids? This is clearly a hideously unequal relationship and he is an absolute piss taker. Why are you putting up with it is the question. Please prioritise yourself, especially if you are now ill and depressed.

appleenish · 03/03/2025 10:14

What a dick.

MidnightPatrol · 03/03/2025 10:14

So you are now working full time and primary care giver / house keeper for four children? And him?

What’s in this for you OP?

I’d run a mile.

minipie · 03/03/2025 10:16

“you’re absolutely right, I’ve been neglecting my own life. This weekend I’m going out on Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. I’m also out on Thursday evening. You’ll have the kids and can you also do a light wash and change the beds. Gosh I feel so much better already”.

GlitteringBall · 03/03/2025 10:27

So let me get this right... you've moved cities for your DP, work full-time and him part-time, you've taken on his 3 kids (does he have full custody?), you have your own little one, you do all the housework, pay most of the bills, and he's moaning at you about you have no life? Apart from saying I think you must be superwoman, you just need to leave, it's as simple as that. There's nothing positive in this relationship for you.

pinkdelight · 03/03/2025 10:32

You've made a mistake and I think you know it. Cut your losses and get out now.

caramac04 · 03/03/2025 10:36

Wow he’s done alright for himself hasn’t he? You, on the other hand, have not.
Don’t live like this and don’t show your child it’s ok to be treated like this.
He’s a dick.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 03/03/2025 10:36

I imagine that at least part of the reason you're feeling depressed is that you feel unsupported either financially or in the home by your cocklodger of a partner ...

DaisyChain505 · 03/03/2025 10:36

It’s so frustrating to continually come on here and read the same old posts of women lying down and acting like complete doormats to men.

Why oh why are you contributing more the household when he has THREE children living there and costing money when you have one?

Why did you move in with him when he was only working part time knowing that you would be essentially paying to raise three extra children.

Put your foot down and speak up. Tell him to get a full time job, split the bills and rent equally considering how many dependents you have living in the home and tell him to do some fucking housework.

He’s taking the absolute piss out of you and is getting a free ride whilst you pay for his home, keep it clean and look after his kids.

SnoopysHoose · 03/03/2025 10:38

Got himself a live in nanny who pays his bills, he hit the jackpot.
I'd be moving back out rapidly, that'll cheer you up.

pinkdelight · 03/03/2025 10:40

And please please don't say 'but I love him'. That 'love' is draining you dry on every level and the longer you let him do this, it'll get harder to find your strength.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 03/03/2025 10:46

Give him a list of stuff that needs doing on a daily basis. You are carrying the financial burden and the burden of the house and raising 4 children. He is working part time and you are pulling all of the weight

araiwa · 03/03/2025 10:46

I kinda agree with him

Both men and women need to take time for themselves to do things they enjoy with their friends/alone/without kids

Dweetfidilove · 03/03/2025 11:39

He's not wrong.

He's working part-time though he has three children and a step-child, playing football and going to the gym.

You've moved to be with him, work full-time to pay the bills, raise a toddler, martyr yourself on household management, see your friends when you can (not as a priority) - all while battling ill-health.

Again, he's not wrong!

Dearg · 03/03/2025 11:54

He’s the loser Op.
But, as others have said, you are allowing him to get away with it.

It’s lovely that you treat his 3 as your own. But, he is massively taking advantage.

Tell him you need to review the set up. He needs to fully fund himself and his family; even if that means working full time; you need scheduled time out, as he has.

See how he reacts. If he pushes back, that tells you it’s time to leave him to it.

Bluenotgreen · 03/03/2025 11:56

Mate! This user saw you coming!

Move back to where you have support. He will soon find another Nanny with a Fanny.

JHound · 03/03/2025 12:21

Why does he make it about “women” plural?

He’s an arse.

JHound · 03/03/2025 12:22

Also how has he not noticed that the reason he has time for friends and hobbies is you are picking up the slack for him?

I would put him back where I found him.

Comedycook · 03/03/2025 12:24

Why does he work part time?

It's crazy you're doing all the housework and working full time.

JHound · 03/03/2025 12:24

DaisyChain505 · 03/03/2025 10:36

It’s so frustrating to continually come on here and read the same old posts of women lying down and acting like complete doormats to men.

Why oh why are you contributing more the household when he has THREE children living there and costing money when you have one?

Why did you move in with him when he was only working part time knowing that you would be essentially paying to raise three extra children.

Put your foot down and speak up. Tell him to get a full time job, split the bills and rent equally considering how many dependents you have living in the home and tell him to do some fucking housework.

He’s taking the absolute piss out of you and is getting a free ride whilst you pay for his home, keep it clean and look after his kids.

Beyond frustrating but also it helps me. When I often wondered why I seemed to struggle with relationships when so many other women don’t…it’s because I am not willing to accept what, apparently, many (most??) other women are willing to accept.

JHound · 03/03/2025 12:26

Bluenotgreen · 03/03/2025 11:56

Mate! This user saw you coming!

Move back to where you have support. He will soon find another Nanny with a Fanny.

“Nanny with a Fanny” is hilarious! 😂

Yogre · 03/03/2025 12:28

You have really jumped the gun in living with this man op.

Can you get you and your child out of this unhealthy dynamic? Why should your dc have to share the bits of you going spare after you've run round after all these other children that arent yours and a man childs slave?

You aren't even married,so you have no protection there either. Not smart.

pikkumyy77 · 03/03/2025 12:30

How, why, have you agreed to this?

everychildmatters · 03/03/2025 12:34

If he's working part-time (and nothing wrong with that if you're OK financially) then surely he should be doing the majority of the housework etc on his days off? Not fair to leave that all to you!
Gender entirely irrelevant here.
Just not fair.

Pigeonqueen · 03/03/2025 12:35

He’s taking you for a ride! What a dick!

Throw him back where you found him.