There is something wrong with me but I don’t know what

[GardenGloves2]

I’m really worried about my mental health. I have been through a lot in the last few years, I’ve lost my dad, left an abusive relationship, raising two neurodivergent children on my own with all the social, emotional and school problems that brings, my dd recently took an overdose and is struggling with their own mental health. Then my work recently announced redundancies and I feel I am pretty likely to be on the list and I just spiralled. Not just a bit worried about it, but straight to worries about losing my house, never getting another job, homeless. I can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t concentrate, I feel sick most of the day and have really awful intrusive and suicidal thoughts which I hope are not real. Tonight I feel Ok for the first time this week, but almost as if nothing bad is happening at all, like denial. I feel like this isn’t a normal reaction, and I’m worried there is something wrong with me. Maybe it’s just the build up of so much stress and maybe I have some of my own trauma, can anyone relate to this or provide any insights. I am planning to go to the doctor tomorrow but if I wake up with the level of anxiety I had last week I couldn’t even make the phone call.

Wow that's more than a lot of people could cope with. This feeling of calmness might be burnout. It feels a bit like apathy, like there's just too much now for your brain to handle so you kind of shut down from feeling anything at all. Can you do an econsult with your doctor so you don't have to think too hard about having a conversation with someone?

Definitely make the call and see your doctor a.s.a.p OP, and don't let any receptionist put you off, or tell you you can see someone next week or next month. If they say they don't have anything, tell them that you're feeling suicidal.

You've obviously had so much going on for such a long time, that your mental health is now saying enough's enough.

If you get desperate before you see the doctor, then please call Samaritans, here's the number, it's a free call.

Samaritans - 116 123

Is there anything you'd like to talk about now? Sending you a hug, you're not alone.

You've been through too much for a long time. Take care of yourself. tell your doctor.

OP, that’s an enormous amount of pressure and trauma for anyone to cope with. It’s no wonder you’re having these feelings, which are a very sane reaction to such a harrowing series of events. Do you have anyone to support you (friends/family etc)? I second the PP who suggested the Samaritans- they’ll give you the space to just talk through things and let it all out.
As an aside, if your DC are both ND, is there a chance you might be too? I’ve suffered from very bad autistic burnout before and it was similar to what you describe.
In any case, please see your GP asap - get a friend to call for you if you can’t face it x

Thank you for replying @Partybaggage @RoastDinnerSmellsNice I think I could be in burnout and maybe have been for a while. I was at work last week and people were chatting and laughing and I think that’s when I realised that i’m really not coping because I just didn’t want to talk to anyone and I just felt frozen and numb. Hopefully I will manage to call the doctor tomorrow. I’m wondering if I should mention how much I am struggling to my work? I did mention a bit about it when my dd overdosed, and I’m worried about becoming a nuisance if I mention i’m still struggling. Thank you for the hug, I don’t think there is anything I can talk about. I just feel like I’ve gone from one crisis to the next for years now and I can’t believe this is my life. I feel like it will just always be like this now, and when my anxiety is bad, I don’t feel like I can keep going like this, but I will for my kids.

I came on here looking to ask a very similar question, and just hearing from someone else struggling is helping clarify a couple of points in my own frantic mind. So you've already helped me, OP. I feel less alone and at least temporarily more able to think through my similar situation.

First, whether your depression is caused by all the stress you've been under, as seems likely, or is more biological is not important right now; it's more important to get some help. You should definitely call your GP urgently. I have in the past found mine quite sympathetic.

Besides the Samaritans proposed by PP, also you might try looking online for the charity Mind, which provides mental health support around the UK, including, I gather, free support groups. You can just call them, you don't have to be referred by any doctor, and I myself didn't know this till your post caused me to go looking. I personally intend to call them tomorrow.

Don't forget there's also Carers UK on 0808 808 7777. They gave me some free one-on-one mental health counselling back in 2016 when I got stuck in a crisis around my dying parents and disabled child.

I think this is more than burnout: The feeling of numbness, emptiness and apathy is a worrying sign of depression OP. It’s your brain trying to protect you from the trauma.

It sounds like you’ve been having quite normal emotional reactions to traumatic events, but when that slips into feeling numb about it all, that’s absolutely the time to seek help!

It’s called ‘emotional blunting’ and is seen in depression and post traumatic stress disorder. You will find that both positive and negative emotions feel blunted, and this will continue to get worse without help. You might feel more, and more detached - so absolutely, reach out to your GP! Things WILL get better ❤️‍🩹

@Pookypook I have wondered about being ND since my kids were being assessed. I think I relate to a lot of the information I see about ADHD women, and perhaps the perimenopause has made it more obvious. I’m sorry you have struggled with burnout, my DD2 went into burn out a couple of years ago and is still recovering, I hope you’re doing ok now.

I'm so sorry that you've been through so much @GardenGloves2 . It's definitely a good idea to have a chat with your GP and maybe ask for a therapy referral if that's something that you've considered (you may even be able to self-refer through IAPT for this).

I really relate to so much of what you describe, despite completely different life circumstances. I really hope things start to improve for you soon!

@itsallsohard Im sorry you are struggling too, it’s just an awful feeling. Thank you for the advice, I did try to call samaritans this morning as I was really worried about the thoughts I was having but my anxiety was too bad then. I hope you manage to get support too.

Thanks @GardenGloves2 , I am doing much better now, and so will you — keep going, there really is light at the end of the tunnel even if it doesn’t feel like that now. I’m really sorry you’ve had to watch your DD suffer with burnout too - that alone is enough to floor any of us. You sound like a great mum 💐
As for the ADHD, it’s really common for midlife women to discover their neurodivergence when their kids are diagnosed (that’s what happened to me!) FWIW I found things easier to deal with once I read up on it all and understood how my brain works, what overwhelms me, etc. But in the short term, please take all the support you can lay your hands on; you’re not wasting anyone’s time and you deserve to get the help you need.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I wasn’t sure whether to post or not but your messages have really helped. I think everything has become so normalised for me, and perhaps living at this level of stress has become normal, I just feel like I should be coping, so it is helpful to hear others confirm that I should get help. And thanks to those who have shared that they have been something similar and come out the other side, I hope I can do the same.

Why don't you write a letter to your GP, mark it urgent and either hand it in or post it tomorrow. They may medicare you, refer you to counselling, point you in the direction of support services. Well done on recognising the situation is becoming problematic and I wish you the best in improving things. You come across as very honest, which is great. Don't sugarcoat it, please ensure people are aware you are struggling at this moment in time.

The first time you have proper mental illness due to stress it’s pretty scary and destabilising. Please know everyone has their limits and many many people have been through very stressful periods where their mental health changed and suffered. Reach out to friends and family for support, don’t feel ashamed or that you can’t ask for help.

Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit to the GP you’ve had suicidal thoughts, it’s important for them to know how ill you’ve become. Good luck.

You may be suffering from ptsd as well. Are you able to take time off work? Give yourself some breathing space?

If you can't call samaritans there's a text service I've used in the past called SHOUT. The number to text is 85258. I've used them before when Ive been in crisis, just when i needed another human to speak to but couldn't talk out loud.

Thank you everyone. I think I can see that this isn’t the first time this has happened to me, it has happened before over the past few years, but this is definitely the worst I have been. I think that’s why I feel like something is wrong with me, if I’ve been in this position before. Either way, I will phone the doctor this morning.

Hi OP, been thinking about you all day, did you get to the doctor? If so, how did it go, if not, are you OK?

Hi @RoastDinnerSmellsNice that’s so kind of you to follow up. I did contact the doctor but they had no appointments left, they called back but I couldn’t get out of a meeting I was in. Will try again tomorrow! I know I can’t keep spiralling like this, trying to keep a bit grounded. Hope you had a good day and thank you.

No worries! I'm going to keep on checking in on you until I know you've seen the doctor, so at least I know you're going to be OK. If you need to talk, you can always DM me. Keep your chin up, you're not alone.

OP, I think you're being incredibly strong pushing through it, but you need some time off work to get yourself rested and to get the medical help you need.

It is not a weakness or a failure to look after yourself. It's not an indulgence or selfish either. You are a remarkable woman dealing with more than most people ever have to. Your body is telling you to take a break.

Thank you @TheWonderhorse I think I know you are right about needing time off work but I think I will just worry if I do that. I don’t feel remarkable, but it’s kind of you to say it. I can be very hard on myself and critical and i probably need to work on that.

OP, have you seen the doctor or got an appointment yet?

@RoastDinnerSmellsNice yes, i’ve been to the doctor and referred for therapy. it’ll be a bit of a wait but will hopefully help. thank you for following up, I appreciate it.

Checked in to see how you were doing OP and I’m very glad to read that you’ve seen the doctor - really well done. A lovely nurse once took me aside and gave me a stern talking to about the importance of making a little bit of time each day to do something entirely focused on taking care of myself (things like sitting in the sun with a cup of tea, having a nice bath, going for a walk and noticing what’s around you). I’ve tried to do this each day- not always easy as a SEND mum, but definitely worth doing as it normalises self-care and self-respect, which easily fall by the wayside when you’re struggling. Keep going, you can do this x