There is something wrong with me but I don’t know what

[GardenGloves2]

I’m really worried about my mental health. I have been through a lot in the last few years, I’ve lost my dad, left an abusive relationship, raising two neurodivergent children on my own with all the social, emotional and school problems that brings, my dd recently took an overdose and is struggling with their own mental health. Then my work recently announced redundancies and I feel I am pretty likely to be on the list and I just spiralled. Not just a bit worried about it, but straight to worries about losing my house, never getting another job, homeless. I can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t concentrate, I feel sick most of the day and have really awful intrusive and suicidal thoughts which I hope are not real. Tonight I feel Ok for the first time this week, but almost as if nothing bad is happening at all, like denial. I feel like this isn’t a normal reaction, and I’m worried there is something wrong with me. Maybe it’s just the build up of so much stress and maybe I have some of my own trauma, can anyone relate to this or provide any insights. I am planning to go to the doctor tomorrow but if I wake up with the level of anxiety I had last week I couldn’t even make the phone call.

I'm SO pleased to hear that you've seen someone now, and that you have a referral for therapy, can I ask if the doctor give you anti-depressants to lift your mood in the interim, as it does sound like you need something?

Hi @RoastDinnerSmellsNice citalipram, hopefully it will help, thank you for your concern, it has helped

I'm very similar at times, although I haven't experienced half the struggle you have. My heart goes out to you, you are strong.
It sounds like you are almost shutting down from all the stress. I think our bodies do this sometimes when things get too much and we stop having reactions to things and feeling numb.
Think about what you can control right now. Take things one at a time. The biggest worry is work right now, yes? Whilst you can't control whether you get made redundant or not, you can control the level of anxiety you're having, how long the anxiety goes on for and your ability to be prepared for a big change.
Can you get ahead of this and ask your manager what the plans are, explain that you're concerned you're going to be made redundant and it's having a negative effect on you.
If they say they're not going to make you redundant, get it in writing. Whenever you're concerned, refer back to that email/letter.
If they choose not to share or say you will be, get ahead of the curve and start applying for jobs NOW. What do you do? I wouldn't want to be working somewhere that couldn't tell me if my job was safe.

I often find myself worrying about things that haven't happened yet or I have no control over and I have to stop myself. Take a step back and go 'right what's actually happening right now'

Sometimes I'm lying in bed panicking and I almost have to step out of my body and go 'im ok, there's food in the fridge and a roof over my head, I will deal with things as they come'

Again I haven't been through half what you have so I'm sorry if any of that sounds patronising.

Sending love to you, you are doing a lot and you are brilliant. Well done for getting out of bed and going to work, that's the hardest part for me sometimes. Xx

Oh that's good OP, I was on Citalopram for 15 years and it helped keep me on an even keel for all that time. Give it a couple of weeks to kick in, and I think you'll feel much better. Do come back and tell us if things are improving for you. Take care of yourself.

Gardengloves2, I hope you find help. One tiny thing I can recommend, is doing Ally Boothroyd's Yoga Nidra on YouTube. Her voice, the pace of her words, help you relax. I like the ones with ocean sounds. it's a very tiny thing though.

That’s good advice @Rubyrhi123 I am obsessing over things that have happened in the past and things that might happen in the future. I need to try and take things a day at a time. Thanks @RoastDinnerSmellsNice for checking in, I’ve been on citalopram before but I think I will try to stay on it a bit longer this time.

I think that's a good idea OP. I've suffered with depression on and off for years, and I'd far rather pop one tablet a day, and stay on an even keel, than come off them, and go on a downhill spiral. I really hope they help you, but if not, please make sure you go back to your GP, as it's clear you need support at this moment in time.