Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance Money has Disappeared

32 replies

GoldPeer · 02/03/2025 20:14

Mum who's 85yo has put a lot of her money in an account with her beneficiaries as account holders alongside her. We can all see it but only she can instruct doing anything with it.

I have an on/off relationship with my mum because her behaviours are judgemental and aggressive.

I'm cooling off at the minute after her behaviour towards me a few weeks ago.

Anyways I changed my phone 5 weeks ago and have been steadily accessing accounts. I added the account today to find it's been emptied.

I messaged the administrator and asked when they planned to let me know. They've seen the message and not replied.

Obvs its my mum who has instructed this - she did tell me she would cut me off, but she's threatened this multiple times to other beneficiaries and never done anything - they have done terrible things to her too, like shouting at her etc

There is a will btw but obvs that can be changed.

The question is, do I breath a sigh of relief that I dont need to put up with her sh1t anymore and move on or do I go find out wtf has happened.

In terms of £ my inheritance when she dies would be about £50 or £60k so not a life changing amount but still nice to have.

WWYD?

OP posts:
AgricolaOrBed · 02/03/2025 20:17

It’s her money to do with as she pleases.

Only your inheritance if and when she dies.

Diningtableornot · 02/03/2025 20:17

This is a bizarre arrangement. Is it a way of keeping you all on your toes? I’d stop looking at it and forget the possible inheritance. It’s too soon to be thinking about it; your mum is alive.

RedVelvetIcing · 02/03/2025 20:18

You can’t have no contact and her money.

Annoyeddd · 02/03/2025 20:20

RedVelvetIcing · 02/03/2025 20:18

You can’t have no contact and her money.

So many people do(someone in my family)

gamerchick · 02/03/2025 20:20

No money is worth putting up with a toxic parent. I'd breathe a sigh or relief and won't be in any hurry to go running when she's over her tantrum.

When the stick they use turns bendy, it loses its effectiveness. Stop jumping to her tune.

TheChosenTwo · 02/03/2025 20:21

See this as a sign to live your life not beholden to someone in case they throw you a few crumbs.
Move on.
It’s her money to do what she wants with, she’s done so.

goingdownfighting · 02/03/2025 20:24

How sad that you would only consider having a relationship with your mum for her money, and how awful that she's held it over you and promoted those values.

Broccoli456 · 02/03/2025 20:25

Who are the other beneficiaries? I would be concerned where the money has gone. I'd forget about the inheritance I think that's a terrible reason to stay in touch.

converseandjeans · 02/03/2025 20:25

It’s not really inheritance money until she passes away surely? I would just let her get on with it tbh. Then just wait for the will to be sorted. I think she is likely using it as a way to control you.

XenoBitch · 02/03/2025 20:28

It is only inheritance money once she is dead, and it has been left to you.
Right now, it is her money, not yours.
YABVU

rainydaysandrainbows · 02/03/2025 20:29

It's a bit distasteful and mercenary to be considering how much she'll leave you in the decision of whether to keep in contact. If you don't want to have a relationship while she's alive you have to accept you may not inherit

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 02/03/2025 20:30

You deserve each other.

TinyGingerCat · 02/03/2025 20:40

Money only becomes an inheritance when the person dies. Until then it's your mum's money to do what the hell she likes with it. You sound like my awful SIL who asked her mum for thousands and told her to knock it off what she'd be getting when her mum was dead.

sSssssssssssssOOO · 02/03/2025 20:40

gamerchick · 02/03/2025 20:20

No money is worth putting up with a toxic parent. I'd breathe a sigh or relief and won't be in any hurry to go running when she's over her tantrum.

When the stick they use turns bendy, it loses its effectiveness. Stop jumping to her tune.

I'm not sure that is always true. It depends on lots of things. £50-£60K is a lot of money for some people.

I think lots of people put up with toxic parents for the hope of an inheritance.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 02/03/2025 20:42

AgricolaOrBed · 02/03/2025 20:17

It’s her money to do with as she pleases.

Only your inheritance if and when she dies.

First reply nailed it.

healthybychristmas · 02/03/2025 20:47

Doesn't she risk one of them taking the money out of the account?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2025 20:53

You’re “cooling off” she’s taking her money out of your plans. Fair enough.

Never bank on an inheritance.

YourAzureEagle · 02/03/2025 21:39

What an odd arrangement!

The money isn't yours until she dies, if its gone by then its gone

Can't see why she has given you all access to this account, it seems to me she is using this money to blackmail you all into giving her attention - she could quite easily ultimately leave to to someone else - odd, very odd.

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/03/2025 21:44

Forget about any inheritance. Delete any access to view her account. If you decide to have a relationship with her in the future do not get drawn back into anything to do with her money. It is your mother's money until she dies - or the state's (possibly) if she needs to pay care home fees. A will can be written, rewritten or amended at any time so don't waste any more time or mental energy on her shenanigans.

Poppyseeds79 · 02/03/2025 21:45

I presume she has it all set up like this as a stick to keep you all in line with. If you make contact to ask where it's gone then she's got what she wanted. I wouldn't dance to the tune of being essentially paid for the obligation of keeping her sweet.

Longhotsummers · 02/03/2025 22:00

The money in the account will be split amongst those who are on the account ie if they are put on it as a joint account holder. This will be separate to anything else in the will.
My SIL made her mum make her a joint account holder on an account that MIL had transferred a significant amount of money into. On her death SIL got the lot as it was dealt with separately to what was in the will. There was no recourse for the other siblings and SIL still got her share of the house sale proceeds as well.

Salad666 · 02/03/2025 23:02

AgricolaOrBed · 02/03/2025 20:17

It’s her money to do with as she pleases.

Only your inheritance if and when she dies.

"If" she dies?! I mean... I think it's inevitable she will die eventually 😂 😅

But I do agree. It's her money, got nothing to do with anyone else what she does with it until she dies and even then if you're not in the will then that is her choice.

Whoonearthareyou · 02/03/2025 23:11

Sounds like she's realised you're only staying in touch with her for potential financial gain. Would you want to leave someone money if that was their attitude?

nepobaby · 03/03/2025 10:12

XenoBitch · 02/03/2025 20:28

It is only inheritance money once she is dead, and it has been left to you.
Right now, it is her money, not yours.
YABVU

This

Booboobagins · 03/03/2025 23:19

You do like making assumptions dont you?

I told my mum fron day 1 to spend her money and enjoy herself, so those of you who think I only talk to her for a small amount of money are utterly making it up!

She put together the will and set up the account, not me or anyone else.

In the last 5 years, since she moved 50minutes away, I've spent 2 days a week with her, I've taken her overseas, all over the UK and spent my money doing it. I held my tongue but she can't help herself and that nastiness was too much, so I cooled it down for my own wellbeing.

What I'm annoyed about is my sibling didn't tell me what she'd done even though they moved the money in Dec. And yes I saw it yesterday when I was checking my own savings account - I hadn't realised I could see all the accounts I'm a holder of tbh - but they were all there in full glory when I logged in - maybe the building society has a new page configuration, who knows. So, obviously I'm not looking at it every minute (where do people get these ideas from? Talk about big negative assumptions!)

I am not bothered about the money, I feel betrayed by my sibling who has steadfastly reduced the amount of money my mum has which she could use to really enjoy her last years with.

I think how you behave comes back to you.

Thanks to those who weren't judged in their responses. I sincerely hope this doesn't happen to you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread