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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for thinking my mum shouldn’t have comforted this child?

37 replies

TheBerry · 02/03/2025 17:13

I was at the supermarket with my mum and son and we passed a woman with her son of about 6. He was wailing / kinda having a bit of a tantrum. As we passed, the mum suddenly yelled, “Leo, be quiet!!!”

I don’t think it’s good to shout at your children, obviously, but I know I’ve done it before when I’ve lost my temper. From this isolated incident, I didn’t feel I could judge the mum, and I was ready to just keep walking.

My mum was clearly a bit shocked and she stopped and started saying stuff to the boy like, “Don’t worry, it’s ok,” until I dragged her away. The boy’s mum didn’t say anything but I think she was suitably shamed because she gave the boy a hug.

Of course I wholeheartedly believe you should step in if you see a child being abused or if a child is distressed but idk in this instance it just seemed unnecessary and interfering to me. The kid wasn’t truly distressed, he was just having a tantrum, and as far as I could tell the mum just lost her shit for a second. I get my mum felt bad for the child but I also think there may have been an element of wanting to shame the mum.

Wondering what others think. I might be biased because I often find my mum a bit annoying / embarrassing!

YABU - your mum was right to say something
YANBU - the kid was ok and your mum was just meddling / overreacting

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 02/03/2025 17:16

I think if I'd been in that situation I'd have been inclined to offer some form of support to the mum rather than the child. You're seeing a tiny glimpse of what has maybe been a brutal day so rather than undermine her, I'd be trying to offer solidarity to her. So no I don't think your mum should have interfered.

SemperIdem · 02/03/2025 17:18

Your mum should mind her own business. Not all complete strangers would react well to her interfering.

Rosesducks · 02/03/2025 17:20

it was a kind thing to do, yes there may be more to it all but either way still a kind thing

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/03/2025 17:34

Your mum was very very unreasonable. That poor woman who'd probably had a shit day and just snapped will now feel the shame of being judged by everyone and shown up by your dm. 🥺

Edit typo

Quinlan · 02/03/2025 17:39

I have an autistic kid and a NT kid. I hate shouting. We do not shout. I grew up with really shouty parents so I hate it and it scares me. But… my autistic kid sometimes gets stuck in a total spiral and after years of dealing with it, I have found that the only way to get him to stop spiralling is to shout “Be quiet and look at me.” Then, he does stop and it gives him the pause he needs to do his breathing etc.
If your mum stuck her nose in during that moment, she’d be getting told where to go.

Sometimeswinning · 02/03/2025 17:43

I’d have had the mums back!

stayathomer · 02/03/2025 17:43

I think it’s a nice thing- yes the child’s mum could have been having the crappest day, similarly the child mightn’t see much niceness because the mum might be going through a constant tough time. I work at a checkout and try to chat to kids whose mums aren’t treating them the best judt in case. I try to chat to the mum too though

sciaticafanatica · 02/03/2025 17:47

I would have told your mother to "pissoff"
She's involving herself in a situation that she knows nothing about.
Some people don't do gentle parenting

Jackiepumpkinhead · 02/03/2025 17:50

Your mum should mind her own business, so unnecessary.

nam3c4ang3 · 02/03/2025 17:54

Your mum should mind her own business. I would have been quite angry if she tried to interfere - is she a busybody normally?

Original poster
TheBerry · 02/03/2025 17:55

stayathomer · 02/03/2025 17:43

I think it’s a nice thing- yes the child’s mum could have been having the crappest day, similarly the child mightn’t see much niceness because the mum might be going through a constant tough time. I work at a checkout and try to chat to kids whose mums aren’t treating them the best judt in case. I try to chat to the mum too though

I think that is such a nice approach. Reading the responses, I wish I’d said something to the mum now… just “are you ok?” or something. I didn’t think to at the time, and I couldn’t quite elucidate why I felt my mum’s response was bad. I am autistic so can’t always work out the right thing to say / do even if I feel something is wrong, like I did with my mum’s actions today. Maybe I’ll try to explain it to her now but I’m not sure she’ll get it.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 02/03/2025 17:58

If I'd been the child in this situation I don't think I'd have been at all reassured by a complete stranger interfering like that. It certainly didn't sound like any intervention was necessary, it's not nice but it's hardly unusual being snapped at in the supermarket.

Agree, probably just made mum feel even worse.

HeyDoodie · 02/03/2025 17:58

I probably would have said something to the mum to break the situation like ‘ kids know how to press our buttons don't they’ and ask if i can do anything to help

Autumn38 · 02/03/2025 18:00

Yeah I think I’d personally have engaged/ commiserated with the mum first THEN turned to the little boy and comforted him too.

ive been that overstimulated mum and having someone see you is a massive thing.

XenoBitch · 02/03/2025 18:02

Your mum should have minded her own business.
The child's mum knows her child and knows best how to handle the situation.
Had the child been ND, then your mum hugging him could have made things ten times worse.

stayathomer · 02/03/2025 18:04

TheBerry

I think it’s easier for people working because you have the time and you can find a way to get a conversation going eg talking about their food (oh I had these before, they’re lovely!) or saying their nails are nice or just a simple’one of those days’ sometimes! I think you did fine by not saying anything too!

BobbyBiscuits · 02/03/2025 18:06

I have on occasion tried to quite awkwardly briefly verbally sooth a crying child if they're in the queue or next to me in a shop. Like something pretty weedy like 'ahh it's alright little one,' not getting close or invading their space or anything.

It's meant with kindness and just a split second reaction if you feel it might help. Usually I couple it with a supportive smile towards the mum if she's not too busy to notice. Often when they do they're relieved I'm slightly distracting the kid and sometimes they do calm down a bit.

I certainly would hope it wouldn't be seen as offensive. It's a mere few seconds of interaction.

GiraffesAtThePark · 02/03/2025 18:08

I agree with you that she should have just left it. Also even if this was a terrible mum then the interference wouldn’t have helped the kid if it pissed the mum off more.

Barleysugar86 · 02/03/2025 18:09

Everyone saying they'd have talked to the mum instead- how mortifying- I think we all snap a little bit sometimes but we regroup and carry on. Telling her kid to be quiet did not nearly cross the line into interference with either of them. The polite thing is to pretend you don't see/ notice unless you have genuine concerns.

Original poster
TheBerry · 02/03/2025 18:11

Barleysugar86 · 02/03/2025 18:09

Everyone saying they'd have talked to the mum instead- how mortifying- I think we all snap a little bit sometimes but we regroup and carry on. Telling her kid to be quiet did not nearly cross the line into interference with either of them. The polite thing is to pretend you don't see/ notice unless you have genuine concerns.

Yeah that was kind of my thinking. I definitely wouldn’t have said anything to the mum until my mum said something… I feel like I should have said something at that point to make the mum feel less terrible! Oh well. Hopefully they’re all fine now.

OP posts:
batsandeggs · 02/03/2025 18:12

I think there’s a difference between trying to cheer up an upset child by trying to make them smile or something, and immediately comforting them after they’ve clearly been told off by their parent. Get your nose out, it undermines the parent and you have absolutely no idea of anything other than the five seconds you’ve witnessed. I’d have been pissed, classic case of a nebby old person imo

tipsandtoes · 02/03/2025 18:27

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/03/2025 17:34

Your mum was very very unreasonable. That poor woman who'd probably had a shit day and just snapped will now feel the shame of being judged by everyone and shown up by your dm. 🥺

Edit typo

Edited

Why is your concern for the adult and not the child.
If the child was upset then my concern wouldn't be about embarrassing an adult

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/03/2025 18:28

tipsandtoes · 02/03/2025 18:27

Why is your concern for the adult and not the child.
If the child was upset then my concern wouldn't be about embarrassing an adult

Show quote history

The child was told off by his mum. Maybe it's was a bit snappy but that really isn't cause for concern

Mums are human, sometimes we get overwhelmed and snap

tipsandtoes · 02/03/2025 18:28

XenoBitch · 02/03/2025 18:02

Your mum should have minded her own business.
The child's mum knows her child and knows best how to handle the situation.
Had the child been ND, then your mum hugging him could have made things ten times worse.

You think all parents are good parents and know what they are doing?
Sweet summer child.

XenoBitch · 02/03/2025 18:30

tipsandtoes · 02/03/2025 18:28

You think all parents are good parents and know what they are doing?
Sweet summer child.

Show quote history

Not the place of OP's mum to judge and interfere otherwise though.

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