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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my family about pregnancy so close to SIL due date?

30 replies

PregnancyEtiquette · 02/03/2025 16:34

Name changed so not accidentally outed!

I found out a few weeks ago that I’m pregnant with our first child - total surprise, we were planning to start trying in a few months but erm…whoops? 😂

We’ve been given a dating scan date of 18 March - obviously really excited! Planning to tell my side of the family that weekend on the 23rd/24th.

We don’t want to tell them beforehand because there are several factors in the birth that might not make it too straightforward - I’m early 40s, my other half is on medication known to cause neurological defects (which we were transitioning off before starting TTC), family history on both sides of some serious congenital conditions that would have an impact on whether we could take to term etc.

While the scan won’t answer everything, we basically want a little reassurance that things are proceeding mostly ok before we get parents excited etc.

However, my younger brother and his wife are also expecting their first child in the first week of April. This is long-planned and they’re obviously really excited too!

I don’t want to come across like I’m trying to steal their thunder or draw attention onto me at what should be their time. I want all eyes on them as the first grandkid on our side of the family and I desperately don’t want to ruin that for them.

So, what are your thoughts?

YABU - 23/24 is WAY too close to their due date, they could drop early so either tell family now or hold off until their baby is at least a few weeks old.

YANBU - 1-2 weeks earlier is fine and you won’t give off main character energy by sharing your news with family then. Stop overthinking this shizz!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts!

OP posts:
Chuchoter · 02/03/2025 16:38

YANBU - 1-2 weeks earlier is fine and you won’t give off main character energy by sharing your news with family then. Stop overthinking this shizz!

.....

All babies are a blessing so of course you tell them when you want to tell them.

I hope all goes well for you.

Katemax82 · 02/03/2025 16:54

Tell them when you want, I fell pregnant 3 months after my stepson and his girlfriend announced their first pregnancy, i felt like they would think i was trying to steal their thunder but they didn't

pikkumyy77 · 02/03/2025 17:00

This is a ridiculous amount of self consciousness over what should be a happy event. If you think you are too early/high risk or are likely to have to terminate because of developmental issues then hold off telling as this will be difficult enough to manage without everyone’s opinions. But otherwise tell your good news as soon as you like. It won’t detract at all from the new baby.

GaspingGekko · 02/03/2025 17:08

Personally I would tell them beforehand, but that's because I wouldn't be able to trust myself not to blurt it out when I got to meet their baby. And that would be significantly more inappropriate timing.

Ithinka couple of weeks before is fine. If you didn't do it then how long after the actual birth do you think you would wait? And would you be starting to show by that time?

AnnoyedByAlfieBear · 02/03/2025 17:10

I think it’d be far worse if you shared your news AFTER their baby had been born.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/03/2025 17:11

I assumed from the thread title SIL must have suffered a loss and you didn’t want to be insensitive, but of course it’s fine to announce your pregnancy close to their due date considering that all is going well for them. Even if your scan was closer to their due date it would be fine to make the announcement, when their baby arrives it’s not like a real life newborn is going to be overshadowed be a scan picture even if all of your family are delighted and excited for you. Announce your pregnancy when you are ready to and don’t worry about anyone else!

Ophy83 · 02/03/2025 17:16

News about a pregnancy will in no way detract from seeing pics/meeting and cuddling a newborn. Your brother will probably be thrilled to hear his little one is going to have a similar aged cousin

Redfred00 · 02/03/2025 17:25

I wouldn't say anything until you are much further along. I'd wait until you know that the baby is okay and it's a viable pregnancy. Hopefully, you'll have an easy, happy, and healthy pregnancy but I'd be cautious at the moment.

Coconutter24 · 02/03/2025 17:32

If at the scan everything looks to be ok then I’d tell them before the birth. It would look more like you’re trying to steal the limelight if you announce it when you meet their baby for the first time or straight after the birth

DollydaydreamTheThird · 02/03/2025 17:40

Given the circumstances you have mentioned OP, I would probably only tell your parents until you are a bit further on. My oldest son was born with a congenital limb defect that wasn't spotted until after he was born and it doesn't really affect his life massively. He does everything his friends can do but I know there are a lot of different congenital defects that can be more obvious and life altering. Good luck with everything and congratulations.

TeaAndStrumpets · 02/03/2025 17:44

Redfred00 · 02/03/2025 17:25

I wouldn't say anything until you are much further along. I'd wait until you know that the baby is okay and it's a viable pregnancy. Hopefully, you'll have an easy, happy, and healthy pregnancy but I'd be cautious at the moment.

I agree. My DD was in exactly in this situation: first baby, early 40s, two previous late miscarriages and health/medication issues. She finally told us after her 20 week scan. We were surprised but delighted, and she went on to have a textbook perfect pregnancy and birth.

There is no right or wrong way, of course. Congratulations!

Justgoingforaweeliedown · 02/03/2025 17:48

If you get good news at your scan, nobody would blame you if you were so excited to share.

I announced my pregnancy just a week or two after my sister gave birth. Nobody was anything other than delighted for us, they were all in the midst of the new baby bubble that they were excited for us to share in it and couldn't wait for another baby. If you decide to tell, I'm sure everyone will be really pleased for you.

IlCommissarioMontalbano · 02/03/2025 17:50

Redfred00 · 02/03/2025 17:25

I wouldn't say anything until you are much further along. I'd wait until you know that the baby is okay and it's a viable pregnancy. Hopefully, you'll have an easy, happy, and healthy pregnancy but I'd be cautious at the moment.

This^^

Original poster
PregnancyEtiquette · 03/03/2025 04:13

Thank you for your thoughts, everyone! Feels like most people support telling after the scan with a few concerned more about waiting to ensure baby is healthy at a later scan rather than worried about thunder stealing. I’d hold the news for a later scan but honestly-to-god, I’m barely able to hold it in now, never mind for another eight weeks 😂. I’ll aim for the 23/24th and cross my fingers my bro doesn’t have a preemie!

OP posts:
XWKD · 03/03/2025 05:23

Your baby is as important as hers. Tell people when it's best for you. No right-thinking person would be upset at the announcement of a pregnancy.

PurBal · 03/03/2025 05:56

I don't think it matters when you tell them tbh. I had a similar situation with my brother and SIL: it was a non issue. Given your concerns you may not be able to carry to term have you considered waiting until the anomaly scan though?

ZekeZeke · 03/03/2025 06:10

I would hold off until the anomaly scan and until you and your DH feel ready to tell. Your SIL due date is irrelevant.

GretchenWienersHair · 03/03/2025 06:13

You’re definitely overthinking it. Anyone who would be upset about their DSis/SIL announcing their pregnancy because their baby is due the same week would be the ones with main character syndrome, not you!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Wishing you all the best!

TakeMeDancing · 03/03/2025 06:13

Coconutter24 · 02/03/2025 17:32

If at the scan everything looks to be ok then I’d tell them before the birth. It would look more like you’re trying to steal the limelight if you announce it when you meet their baby for the first time or straight after the birth

This. My SIL announced her pregnancy at the family introduction to our newborn. It definitely felt like she was stealing our thunder. Either do it before, or after the new baby introduction (if you want to wait until after the scans).

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 03/03/2025 06:34

Just do it whenever it suits you. There was a load of us pregnant at the same time - me, and a load of dp's family. I don't think it occurred to anyone to be bothered about something as petty as "thunder stealing". We all just announced whenever and everyone was pleased they were going to be blessed with a load of cousins so close in age x

SALaw · 03/03/2025 06:40

I don't get the issue at all? You tell folk you're pregnant and the reply is along the lines of ooh congratulations, lovely, but then that's pretty much it? That's doesn't compare at all to someone having the baby and so doesn't detract at all?

Kingofthetyrantlizards · 03/03/2025 06:42

It's fine to tell them OP - I have a newborn and would be delighted if one of my siblings/siblings in law had announced a pregnancy in the weeks before, or even in the days afterwards (I might have been a bit 🤔 had they done it on the day he arrived though)

Balloonney · 03/03/2025 06:46

SALaw · 03/03/2025 06:40

I don't get the issue at all? You tell folk you're pregnant and the reply is along the lines of ooh congratulations, lovely, but then that's pretty much it? That's doesn't compare at all to someone having the baby and so doesn't detract at all?

I agree, OP with kindness you're massively overestimating the importance of an early pregnancy announcement. Of course it's a huge thing to you, and of course family and loved ones will be excited, but I doubt they'll even think about it being close to the birth and judge you for it. The only scenario they might is if you tell them all on the day baby is actually born.

Bollindger · 03/03/2025 07:00

I think since you have a scan, wait till it shows all is Ok.
Let the New baby arrive, and be celebrated, give it a week for them to shine, then you can tell your families your expecting.
No one will think your trying to one up anyone this way.
Also if you tell before their baby arrives I can guarantee the second their baby arrives that will be all everyone talks about and you will sound jealous if you try to remind everyone and will sort of be side lined till you really start to show.

MinPinSins · 03/03/2025 07:04

You should tell them whenever you want - you are overthinking it!

One thing to consider is as a woman in your 40s, you have a much higher likelihood of screening as high risk on the nuchal fold test (regardless of whether anything is wrong) and being sent for a NIPT. If you have a scan on the 18th, there's a high chance you won't know if everything is ok by the 24th (because obviously they've got to book in the blood tests and then wait for results).

I would probably think of a back up plan in case you don't have the reassurance you want by the date you want to tell them.

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