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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ruining our daughters holiday

94 replies

ThatElatedGreenAnt · 02/03/2025 10:19

Our daughter (19) had her drink spiked over xmas in a club and ended up in hospital.

Thankfully her friend group as soon as she said she felt weird rang us and an ambulance to the club. We met her at hospital and it was absolutley awful. She didn't know where she was who we were etc.

Anyway she's currently on holiday with her friends (same group) and me and dad cannot stop panicking, messaging her etc to the point she's called us last night saying we are ruining her holiday by checking on her so much, which I think we probably are. She's taken all the bits dad has bought her (drink covers, special straws etc) but we are both just acting completely insane about her safety.

We have said today we will only text her in the evening once she has messaged us, but has anyone got any ideas of how we can calm the fuck down. She's there for one more week but we are literally driving ourselves insane.

OP posts:

MissDoubleU · 02/03/2025 10:23

You need to back off and not make your anxiety her problem. She has enough of her own anxieties, it was her who was spiked. I’m sure it was traumatic for all of you, but most of all her. She was the victim. She needs to find her feet and feel empowered to go out into the world and having you frantically obsessing isn’t going to do that.

You can be anxious, but it’s not her problem to deal with. Just give her some space. In terms of how to deal with your feelings, distract yourselves. You have each other to lean on for support, so do that. It’s quite simply not about you.

MadamePeriwinkle · 02/03/2025 10:23

I think it's understandable you'll be worried, but you need to try and support each other through this rather than keep contacting your daughter.

Could you just ask her to message you a code word/phrase each evening to let you know she's back safely? My mum was neurotic about me driving back in the day so I'd text APC x (all present and correct) when I'd arrived safely at my destination.

I do really feel for you. My daughter took a glass to the face last summer when she got caught in the crossfire between a couple of pissed up louts watching the football. She's fine physically thank god but it changes them and you however resilient you are.

monicagellerbing · 02/03/2025 10:24

She's with the same friends who were responsible and looked after her last time, I'd take comfort in the fact they seem to look out for one another. Your daughter will be hyper vigilant herself after such an experience and to be blunt if something was going to happen, constantly texting and calling her isn't going to change that

gamerchick · 02/03/2025 10:25

She's asked you to back off. So back off. She has a decent bunch of friends who I can guarantee are looking out for each other. Trust your daughter.

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 02/03/2025 10:26

Your daughter went through a horrible experience but that means she is now more aware than most of the dangers of spiking. She also has a good group of friends who have their heads screwed on. Limit your contact to 1 text conversation a day and get on with your life. She'll be fine.

ICanTellYouMissMe · 02/03/2025 10:27

This happened to my daughter a year ago almost to the day, and I still struggle to not be overbearing with her. I get it, but am slowly slowly trying to step back a little.

Arrivals4lucky · 02/03/2025 10:27

Take a deep breath and stop contacting her. If she needs something you’ll hear about it.

Clara202 · 02/03/2025 10:28

She’s with the same friend group who did everything right the last time. She was a victim and most likely has what happened in her mind every time she orders a drink in a public place. Try to keep yourselves busy, texting/calling her constantly won’t change anything that might/might not happen anyway.

itsmeits · 02/03/2025 10:29

Is she your eldest?
As a mother I understand where you are coming from, that's your baby and you need to protect her.
As a 19 year old that had a child and ran my own house back off.

It's hard when they are adults but still don't have all the tools to adult - do any of us?!

You need to hope/trust she is using the items to help prevent this happening again. In your shoes I too would be a nervous reck also. Remember she is you daughter but also an adult, she needs to learn to navigate the world on her own. I'm not saying don't support her, but let her set her boundaries and you take her lead.

She's probably having the time of her live - it's only natural for us mums to worry.

OrsolaRosso · 02/03/2025 10:30

Get yourselves busy this week, plan in extra activities, evenings out, time for hobbies and meeting friends. Anything so that you are not simply at home thinking about your daughter and what she is doing.
You have to let go at some point, you have to trust her to get on with her own life. She could have stayed at home and got run over by the proverbial bus.
Time to chill and get things in perspective.

DullardFrigate · 02/03/2025 10:32

That experience must have shaken her. She's probably highly vigilant and will manage it.
There's no point worrying as hopefully, it's unlikely to happen again.
We face dangers all the time and you'll just drive yourself crazy thinking about them.

AyeBeeSea · 02/03/2025 10:33

This happened to my DD's friend and my dd had to take her to hospital from the club.

At the first house party dd went to she was with this same friend and one other girl and the other girl was raped. By a complete stranger when she went into a dining room at the party to get something out her coat. Dd again had to get them out of that situation.

She's at university now but my second dd has just turned eighteen and I am having to force myself not to go on about the spiking and the rape. I don't want to ruin her life by making her scared of going out.

My rules/advice are
Stick together
Know where you are and how you are getting home

Arrivals4lucky · 02/03/2025 10:34

If I were your DD I would temporarily block your numbers and instruct friends to call you in an emergency.

RedVelvetIcing · 02/03/2025 10:35

You need to get a life of your own. Parents worry but you’re suffocating her.

Miaowzabella · 02/03/2025 10:56

I can see how the constant checking would be infuriating for your daughter, not least because it carries an implication that you don't think she is capable of keeping herself safe. You can't help worrying but you can try to focus on something else (work? seeing friends? a home improvement project?)

WonderingWanda · 02/03/2025 10:58

It happened to her and her very sensible friends spotted if and took exactly the right actions and as a result your dd was fine. Now, all of them are even more aware and alert to the risks so the chances of this happening again are highly unlikely.

You need to seek help for this extreme anxiety and you need to stop contacting her, even once a day. This is totally bonkers. What on earth do you think all your phone calls are doing to protect her? You aren't there, you can't do anything. If something bad we're to happen you still wouldn't be able to do anything and someone would let you know.

Phobiaphobic · 02/03/2025 10:58

If you can't control yourself over this, OP, then you both need psychiatric help.

DaniMontyRae · 02/03/2025 10:59

Do you realise that you are, every day, reminding your daughter of probably the worst experience of her life just so you and your husband can feel a little bit better? It's actually a pretty cruel thing you are doing to her. Please just leave her alone, stop all messaging and let her enjoy herself.

Maddy70 · 02/03/2025 11:00

Don't text her at all.... You're being weird. She's on holiday. She's trying to forget about home life.

If there is an emergency you will be called. Tell her to text you when she's landed home that's it. The only communication you should have

KittenPause · 02/03/2025 11:01

I agree with PP

You are constantly reminding her of an awful experience this ruing her happiness on this holiday

Get a grip and stop all communication

KittenPause · 02/03/2025 11:02

I agree with PP

You are constantly reminding her of an awful experience thus ruining her happiness on this holiday

Get a grip and stop all communication

biscuitsandbooks · 02/03/2025 11:03

You need to pack it in and leave her alone. I get you're worried but you're going to ruin your relationship with her if you don't stop now.

MissDoubleU · 02/03/2025 11:03

Also your daughter deserves to enjoy herself, she is likely plagued by her own traumatic memories and having you call her every two minutes essentially saying “don’t forget, you’re a victim and bad things happened to you” is likely only re-traumatising her.

So, in essence, you are doing your daughter harm to make yourself feel better. Does that help you back off? I’m speaking as someone who has experiences similar to your daughter which have resulted in criminal conviction for the perpetrators. The very worst thing is people always talking to me about it. Am I okay, have I taken precautions, or even just “If that guy were here I’d punch him/I will keep you safe from danger” type talk ruins every night out I try and have. Please just leave her tf alone. She deserves a nice time more than anyone.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 02/03/2025 11:05

You know you're being unreasonable but haven't changed your behaviour.
If you carry on your daughter will block you & there will be a huge row when she gets home.
Then, moving forward, she may well take a big step back from your relationship & only share very basic information. Your relationship may take years to recover if you carry on damaging it.

titchy · 02/03/2025 11:06

which I think we probably are.

Probably- no, definitely. Your behaviour is totally over the top. You are damaging her long term MH, far more than the spiking would have done.

I'd suggest you both get hobbies as you're both clearly winding each other up into a spin. And get some therapy.

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