Ruining our daughters holiday

[ThatElatedGreenAnt]

Our daughter (19) had her drink spiked over xmas in a club and ended up in hospital.

Thankfully her friend group as soon as she said she felt weird rang us and an ambulance to the club. We met her at hospital and it was absolutley awful. She didn't know where she was who we were etc.

Anyway she's currently on holiday with her friends (same group) and me and dad cannot stop panicking, messaging her etc to the point she's called us last night saying we are ruining her holiday by checking on her so much, which I think we probably are. She's taken all the bits dad has bought her (drink covers, special straws etc) but we are both just acting completely insane about her safety.

We have said today we will only text her in the evening once she has messaged us, but has anyone got any ideas of how we can calm the fuck down. She's there for one more week but we are literally driving ourselves insane.

Don't give in to your anxiety by trying to appease it. Every time you get anxious and text her, and she replies, you're reinforcing your anxiety.
I know it's counter ntuitive but you need to sit with the discomfort and show yourself that you can manage, and that she's ok.

Practising mindfulness is really helpful.
Crafts, an engrossing hobby, binge watching series, anything to distract but also give yourself that opportunity to sit with the discomfort and realise she's ok.

There is no easy answer to calming down. But hang in there. As pp have said, there's actually no need for DD to text you at all. Stop expecting her to text you. Tell her it's OK not to text. Let her relax and have fun with her pals so she doesn't have to worry about texting you or about your mental state and DH's. Instead you and DH keep busy. Go out. Try to enjoy yourselves! The good news is that the longer you manage to back off the easier it will get to stay calm - not immediately but gradually, over time. Giving her that space is a way for you to heal as well.

One other reassuring thought - your DD is clearly with a very supportive and sensible friend group. They'll look after her, and if she needs you, either she or they will call.

It's not easy but the old saying really is true - no news is good news.

Therapy is for ongoing mental health problems. This is a response to a very recent, significant traumatic experience. The dd needs to just accept their feelings and worries are valid and text as requested, it takes seconds. The op needs to also accept their worries are valid and find things to occupy their minds.

If in a year they are needing texts when the dd pops to Tesco yes perhaps therapy may then be indicated.

No, therapy is also for acute trauma like this.

The DD doesn't need to accept anything. She's a grown adult.

Was she actually spiked, or drunk?

She will be fine. Her friends made a mistake in ringing you when there was an incident - they only needed to ring an ambulance - but they thought they were doing the right thing.
The more you carry on like this, the less she will tell you - which, as an adult, is absolutely her right. There doesn't need to be any contact at all while she is away,
Stop being so over-protective or be prepared to lose her for good.

She's not "alone", FFS. She's with a whole group of other adults! You do not need to know anything about what she is doing. At all.

I had my drink spiked. It was a horrible, horrible experience.

But since then I have been beyond careful. I imagine your daughter will be the same. She isn't alone and she has her friends.

You and your DH can be anxious together but don't put that on her. We read every day on here about young adults who won't leave their bedrooms, depressed and anxious.

Consider it a blessing that she is out living her youth.

This. Trust her and trust the group to look after each other.

The dd needs to just accept their feelings and worries are valid and text as requested, it takes seconds.

No she doesn’t! Why does she have to text them? She has her own life to lead, and shouldn’t be expected to spend it managing other people’s (even her parents’!) anxiety.

Well as I keep saying this was a very recent scare. If the op is still overly worrying in 6 months time fine, but this happened a couple of months ago. It takes no time to send a quick message.

It doesn't matter, it's not the DD's job to appease her parents' anxieties. If they're that worried, they need to deal with it themselves, not expect their daughter to change her behaviour to make them feel better.

'But we are both acting completely insane...' reads like the language and perspective of the 19yo.

Did you have any therapy following the spiking?
I think that it may be worth a try.

Ah, bless you. I am afraid you are going to need to make your peace with the fact that bad things will happen again in the future, probably not the things you are worrying about, and that you and she will need to cope, just as you did through this awful experience. Anxiety tends to make us overestimate the likelihood of something happening, and underestimate our ability to cope. The reality is, her friends were brilliant, you were brilliant, and she has bounced back despite adversity.
You being reassured frequently about her whereabouts and safety is not helpful - it just feeds your need for reassurance, it does nothing to make her safer and it's pissing you all off.
Make 'no news is good news' your new mantra. Wait for her to contact you and refrain from asking about risk and safety. Just get the highlights.

Dad is very over protective anyway so I think he's just really riled up now

Jesus. You’re going to drive her away with this.

Stop texting her. If she needs you she will text you

As someone whose teenagers have just started going out out I get it, that must have been horrible! You’ll just have to sit on your hands though, but at least you realise it’s an issue. Hope she has a fab holiday

Get a grip