AIBU to not want to throw a load of food away - fussy eater

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

My DH thinks I pander to the kids, and I admit I may be guilty of this. They are both fussy eaters. Usual story - ate well as young babies (baby led weaning + purees), gave a wide variety of fruits and veg, etc. Both became fussier the older they got. Now 6 and 4, they are both very limited in what they like and - most frustratingly - they like different things to each other!!!

My parents were "eat it or be hungry" types, and I was often hungry as I couldn't face eating a lot for stuff as a kid. As a result, I've ended up anxious around food and want to avoid this for my kids.

DH and I can't agree on an approach. I don't want to make 3 separate meals a night, but I also don't want to force anyone to eat things or be hungry. And, given the cost of food, I don't want to make things that I know will end up in the bin! But DH says I'm making it worse.

Any thoughts from parents of other fussy (or non-fussy!) eaters?

What do they actually eat? Can you expand on that?
So if they both like pasta, can you do butter pasta for them and then add bolognese/carbonara sauce for you and dh?

Kids become fussy when they get choice. It's human nature.

Just cook one meal, make sure there is something they like, then encourage them to try other things.

Mine used to be fussy (especially DS2) but I used the above method. I'd they refused to try foods then pudding was natural yoghurt and/or fruit. If they did try stuff they got a more exciting pudding.

I didn't make a fuss and the rules were simple.

There are still things DS2 won't eat but is no longer fussy!

I agree with expanding on something they do like. Eg if they eat pasta, make that, with a mroe grown up sauce for you, and optional toppings for them. In time they'll try bits and increase their pallete.

You were often hungry, so the eat it or starve plan didn't work with you. Seems a shame to do that to your kids.

With what they eat can you batch cook or adapt things? Eg you have chicken curry, one child have chicken, plain rice and veggies and one have chicken with baked potato?

Alternatively your DH can take over all the cooking and cleaning up.

I usually (within reason) give the dcs what we are having in a version they will like it best. For example, dc thinks mince and spaghetti look like worms, so I will blend his bolognese sauce and give him it with pasta penne or another type. My other dc doesn't like beans, so he will have something else on the side. I'll stir greek yoghurt in their portion of the butter chicken curry etc we are having and mix with rice, and they'll eat it like that. I used to put naan/poppadoms etc out, and they'd dip in a bit, but now they'll eat it as is. We will have ours spicy with the rice separate. I'll make a Thai curry, and drizzle it over gyozas for one, the other dips spring rolls in and has a little rice now.
I'll make a chilli, and serve theirs then add chillis at the end for us. I always try to make it so we all eat the same thing with a few tweaks for dcs if necessary.

When they were younger I would build up with giving them something I knew they would eat, but with a small amount of what we were having on the side, or sometimes they would try it from our plates. Eventually, they are eating more variation. I have told my older one that taste changes as well, and he announced this to the dinner lady when she tried to 'not' give him custard like usual!

DH does loads do cooking, we're very 50:50. I faff around him, if I'm honest, "do you think he'll eat that? Is there some thing for DS2?" It must be annoying, tbh!

We do have some meals we can adapt, but not many. DS2 has never like potato (even when weaning), he's also never been a fan of meat, he'll only eat chicken in a curry and beef mince as tacos. He only eats cucumber and red peppers, no other veg. DS1 only eats corn on the cob, but will have potato and meat. Neither can tolerate anything saucy, so curry has to be minimal sauce, no Bolognese, casserole, shepherd's pie, etc.

DH thinks we should just go for one option, with some adaptations, and some nights they just might not eat it. He thinks it will encourage them to eat more. Maybe we'll think about what you do @DazedDragon with the puddings.

Something I did around those ages was to feed the kids something bland I knew they would eat on a Saturday teatime, then they were allowed to stay up a bit later with us if they at least tried what we were eating. Zero pressure because they had already eaten but it was a big treat to stay up.
I also did a lot of adaptation. Some kids are weird about ‘mixed together’ food but will eat it deconstructed and not touching.
I think it generally comes good if you don’t make it a huge battle. Both of mine were picky for a period that felt like forever but was actually quite short and now will eat literally anything apart from pesto (dd2) olives and avocado (both). Dd2 happily scoffed a huge bowl of mussels at cafe rouge aged about 5 and dd1 is obsessed with squid. Both eat all the vegetables except celeriac.

What do they actually eat? Can you deconstruct meals so that they have something they’ll always eat but enough of everything else to allow them to try a little bit if they want but not so much there will be tons of wastage? So for example serve pasta plain, bolognaise sauce on the side, optional cheese to add, maybe also a salad and/or garlic bread and they choose from that what they want. You can probably guess from that what each child will eat and can plan the portions accordingly with just a little bit more in case they surprise you and want to try something. And it’s sort of a mid ground between ‘eat it or go hungry’ and ‘pandering’ since you’re only slightly tweaking the main meal and aren’t offering alternatives but you’re also ensuring there is something that both will eat on the table so they won’t actually go hungry. Worked for us anyway!

I think you need to find middle ground between what you and your dh are saying. Maybe give them a version of what you're having, but with something you know they like on the side as well.

Potato is quite claggy texturally for kids, it is quite a common dislike. Mine will eat roast pots, pot wedges, chips. One hates mashed pot, the other likes it but only if with tons of milk and butter.

Do they like cheese? I found when dc2 was fussy with pasta sauce, a light coating on the pasta, and stirring a load of grated cheese in helped. Over time it has got better and he'll eat it more saucy with less cheese.
Casseroles can be a bit hit and miss with kids, unless Yorkshire puddings are involved! It is such a gradual process, but keep at it op. We never dreamt our oldest would eat curry, and tonight he asked for seconds. He is 8.

My kids went through fussy stages and could eat what they were given or decline it and have the blandest food I could come up with - brown bread sandwiches with a smear of Philadelphia. And they had to at least try a tiny bite of what they were given. I didn’t deliberately make whole meals they’d hate though, I tried to always have at least something safe on the plate. They eat literally anything now as adults.

I make a single meal but adapt. Like I will take DD's out before I add the sauce so it can be sauceless or DS I give him his deconstructed entirely. There are some things where the main nut will be given to both but I will do DD additional rice

My kids are extremely fussy. Dietitian recommendation was always put "safe" foods you know they will eat on plate, and offer others. So e.g. one of my kids only wanted plain pasta. I would give her a bowl of plain pasta & just put grated cheese, bit of veg on a different plate. No pressure, didnt even mention the cheese/veg, just put it there. It took a long time but eventually she tried it and now she willingly eats a variety of food.

I used to do a meal I knew they liked and would eat for two nights, and then a healthy meal dh and I liked the next. There would be fruit for pudding with their meals, and cake/ sponge/ something filling on ours so at least they ate something.

Thank you for all these tips and stories. I feel like a real failure with the food, it's encouraging to hear other people have been through it and come out the other side.

I do quite a bit of what is suggested already, which is what DH thinks is pandering but I just think it sensible to get them to eat something. But I also give them a lot of shit meals because I can't think how to deconstruct ours and I know they'll eat nuggets, garlic bread, and apple (one green, one red!).

The kids (4 and 2) sort of eat what we do. I often pull out parts of the meal early and put it on their plates to cool down and to avoid the seasoning/ sauce and give them more of what they do eat and less of what they don't eat. They do have different taste buds to us (my son is sensitive to spice) but they need the exposure to normal, healthy food. We encourage them to try things but don't make them. We very rarely do dessert.

I do spag bol but serve the spaghetti on its own. So at least DS would eat spaghetti with some grated cheese on top. I'd encourage him to try the sauce. At first it was just the liquid bit and no mince or lumps. Now he'll eat the entire thing as long as the onion is cut up tiny!

I also get him involved with cooking the meal as I discover if he cooked it he was far more likely to try.

He wouldn't eat mash but did like baked potatoes oddly. Again separate toppings and i encouraged him to try.

Naan bread pizzas are always a winner. 1 naan per person. Tomato puree with water, garlic, salt and sugar as the base sauce, grated cheese then get them to put their own toppings on before cooking in the oven.

Curry I put the sauce separately. He'd just rice initially but now eats the sauce and meat but not touching the rice!

I just stay positive, encourage trying, lots of praise but not making a big deal if he doesn't try.

He LOVES yummy pudding so this gives him the incentive to try. Even just putting stuff in his mouth. Sometimes he still spits stuff out!

He's now 9 but I feel confident taking him out to eat if I read the menu in advance.

I'd also consider them serving themselves at the table if it's possible. So if you cook pasta, put a bowl a pasta, a bowl of sauce, and a bowl of some veg they like in the middle of the table. And they have to have a bit from each bowl but can choose the amounts and how it's served. So if they only want a bit of sauce and they want it on the side, rather than on top of the pasta, that's fine. Obviously won't be possible for every meal - you wouldn't want them serving themselves from a dish that's hot from the oven.

I also always let my children have some fruit or plain yoghurt for pudding if they want it. I've never done "eat it or go hungry". My parents did that with me, and it didn't work. It caused mealtimes to be such a stress and I ended up at the Dr because I was rapidly losing weight aged 10 (by this point my parents had caved and were cooking things they knew I liked but meals were such a stress I physically struggled to eat even things I liked, and had no appetite).
I never make meals an argument with my children, nor do I bribe or plead with them to eat. I provide healthy, balanced, varied food, with a decent mix of things I know they like, but it's not my job to make them eat it. I never cook meals where I know they don't like any of it, because frankly I'd be a bit cross if DH cooked a meal that he knew I wouldn't like, so I wouldn't do it to them. But they don't have to like all of it.

I have 2 autistic children and myself and partner have different food intolerances from each other and I'm vegan and nobody else is. I make 4 different things every night and have done for years. I pander to my kids tastes because I don't believe in turning meals into battle grounds. I make sure they have the best nutrition they can stomach and don't worry beyond that. It doesn't bother me that my kids choose their own food, in fact it makes my life easier in a way. I don't mind making everyone different meals, in fact I've got really good at multitasking due to it. All the worthy things we are supposed to care about as parents went in the bin shortly after my 10 year old's autism diagnosis 7 years ago. I measure success differently now. My kids eat well and have fruit and veg in their diets. Brilliant. I can only dream of my parents life where they plopped a cottage pie on the table and said eat it or go hungry. They never dealt with consequences of that because all 4 of us would just eat it. Not so with my 2!

Keep offering different foods OP, it can take many exposures before children try something new. Just put little bowls on the table and don't make a fuss about it whether they try things or not. Don't go in for massive praise if they eat something, treat it like it's completely normal and expected. Similarly, don't comment if they don't eat much. Try not to get into the habit of serving up beige food like nuggets, they're so overprocessed and don't taste like real home-prepared food. And don't worry too much about waste, there is always going to be some when introducing young children to new foods. Try and use up leftovers by incorporating into your meals, for example leftover veg can be used up in a fritatta or a burrito/quesadilla. Leftover fruit can be blended for a smoothie.

"We never dreamt our oldest would eat curry, and tonight he asked for seconds. He is 8."

Yet children younger than him eat it all the time in India.

Why do you think that is?

Gosh I feel for you all and you seem like very loving parents.

my eldest eats almost everything (4) and iv always done a ‘this is the meal you eat it or don’t’ approach. He can eat just the veg or the pasta or the meat whatever he wants but I’m not making alternatives

Dc2 is fussier but now copying dc1 and willing to try most things. They are both allowed a couple of things they don’t want eg dc1 says no tuna and I respect that as he eats fantastically evrhting else. I couldn’t be faffed with all the kind caring patience you guys are doing above!!

We tried him with it since a baby and he never liked it. Our second loved curry from a baby. This is why. Reserve your judgements for yourself. Oh, and I have Asian relatives, so yes well aware!

It will get better OP, I think that is the peak age for fussiness. Mine are 8 and 6 and it’s (slowly) getting better. They get decent school lunches and I think that has helped, they try things there that they won’t for me and then I try to build on that.

My approach:

• 1/3 of meals are ‘core’ that everyone is expected to eat, e.g. roast chicken, spag Bol, sausage and mash etc. Two years ago it would have been really hard to make this list, but persistence with a small number of simple plain recipes again and again has worked to an extent
• 1/3 meals can be modified with kid/adult elements without too much faff (chicken traybake, fajita night, curry (very low spice meat one for kids, additional spicier veg one on the side for adults. Will often freeze a second batch of the kid element for next time
• 1/3 food that the kids just won’t eat, at which point they can have a defrosted portion of an earlier meal (like the spag bol or mild curry) or something like fish fingers.

We all have pizza night on Fridays. You have my sympathies. It’s VERY thankless

I had two none fussy children and then my third arrived. They were a very adventurous eater but then by the time they were three they were very fussy. My smug mum phase ended quickly.

I was a fussy eater and still remember to this day being made to eat food I hated. It left me with a few issues around food so I happily make my little food dictator what they want. They eat, we eat, there's no drama. Now they are getting older they are starting to try new foods, some they like, some they don't but they are quickly starting to eat more variety. Tonight they announced they want to try a taco, so we shall make that soon. I have no worries they will still be fussy when they are an adult.