34, when would you start TTC?

[Planejane34]

We're both 34 but have only been together for 7 months.. it just feels too early for anything. Don't live together. I own my home, partner doesn't atm however mine is a very small 1 bed flat, it would be a squeeze even for 2 people. I've only owned it for a year, so not really looking to sell right away.
Not sure what to do, I know I still have a few years really, but don't want to waste them. I know we both want to get married and so on, but we haven't said we want to marry each other.

If moving in together and getting married isn’t a mutual desire and something you haven’t discussed at length with all the emotional and financial connotations, then definitely don’t even think of ttc!! You’ve got plenty of time, enjoy the honeymoon period, get to know each other for at least a year, have lots of fun, then start thinking about it. You have time. Don’t rush in to anything, just look at the posts on here where people have!!

Have you even talked bout how he feels about starting a family? Does he want children, how many, what kind of parenting will you do. How will you split money on mat leave, state or private school. These questions all come first.

Could you look into getting a fertility check? Lots of women do have issues having children despite what everyone likes to think. And yes I think you are being realistic as we know some men like to say about having children and it never happens. You don't want to waste your fertile years. But stability is important as well.

@Planejane34 if it’s right, it’s easy. No one is scared off, no one gets cold feet or feels things are moving too fast as everything is just as it should be. You can over think these things…maybe it’s due to your past history? For me, I had mine at 30 and 33. Nearer 30 is better for energy imho. This is personal. I’d not leave it too late if this is definitely the guy you went to be with. MN can’t help you with that bit!! Good luck

I knew my DH at work before we got together. I felt like I was at the age I'd seen enough guys and I recognised the right one. I don't think I could have scared him off by talking about future. I knew from early on he was a good guy who wanted house, kids, marriage and was into me.

1st date was just before I turned 36, bought a house after 8m and started trying for a baby after 14m. We got pregnant straight away for both kids and married when I was pregnant with the 2nd. (We've been together 6.5y now, married 3y.)

I was single in my early thirties. Met my now husband when I was 32, we moved in together when I was 33, had a baby when I was 34, got engaged at 35 and married at 36, hoping to have a second baby when I'm 37! I think you can work quickly when you're in your thirties and use all your past relationship experience to not waste time with people who aren't right for you.

Well that’s a different thing entirely. At your age 7 months is plenty of time to talk about your future together.

Talk about timelines, plans, views on marriage and raising children, religion etc. all the big ones. Find the insurmountable stuff before you make big plans.

I was friends with DH before we started dating so a bit different but I told him on our first proper date that I wanted children and wouldn’t have them without being married.

Have you actually discussed TTC with him?

It’s so hard when you get to this sort of age isn’t it. I’ve been with my boyfriend two and a half years, I’m 35 and four months pregnant. It is a very wanted baby and we are so excited BUT there is a tiny part of me that feels wistful that me and my boyfriend didn’t have that long together just as a two. I feel there’s a lot of things (mainly holidays and travelling!) that we would’ve liked to do as a two. And get married! I know we can still do these things after the baby is born but it will be very different. I have zero regrets though and can’t wait to be a mum 😊 timing is just hard when you get to this age isn’t it!

@CandyCane457 if you want to be married then get married now. If you wait until after the baby then the chances are it won't happen. There's also something else to spend the money on. Register office, nice lunch, done.

Thanks everyone. I've decided I'll wait until the 11 month mark and then bring up living together.

There are 2 separate issues. Is your biological clock ticking? Yes.

Are you in a stable, committed relationship and ready to start a family? No.

Your age would not be enough to convince me if it were me.

DH and I had that conversation at about 3 months. We didn't have time to waste if we wanted more (2 each already).

That's a conversation for now. Later is too late at 34.

OP, I know EXACTLY how you feel. As I've reached my mid-30s I have hugely softened on the relationship 'rules' I had for myself, such as dating for a year before living together, waiting at least 2 years before TTC, making sure we're at least equally financially secure, etc.

These days I can totally see myself getting pregnant with someone I don't know that well provided he ticks a few key boxes and i LIKE him, if I decide to go down the baby route (still on the fence, but that's another story....).

If we wait around for the perfect baby daddy, we may miss the boat.

It is not too soon to ask him whether he sees himself getting married and/or having children.

It is not too soon to understand your own fertility.

10 years ago.

ASAP, I think 34 is quite late to start especially if you want 3-4

Or how about thinking about how the baby deserves a decent father and parents who love and respect each other and want to be together properly.

Women are their own worst enemy.

If we wait around for the perfect baby daddy, we may miss the boat.

They maybe you miss the boat.

Yeah, I mean, if you're single in your mid-30s (as i am), you absolutely have to be prepared for this outcome. I think I would be okay with it, but some women are desperate to become mothers therefore some lowering of standards may be needed. We shouldn't judge those in this situation.

You've only been together 7 months, you're still relative strangers to each other. You haven't fully tested the relationship yet so absolutely do not have children until you're at least 2 yrs in. Also, do not have children before you get married as you only need to read the threads on here about what happens when it goes pear shaped.

Remember if you have a child, you're stuck with that person for life whether you're together or not. Your shared child binds you together even after the relationship breaks down. Be vary careful about who you choose to be the father of your child, do you share similar values etc.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

It's tough seeing so many people all loved-up, married and with kids. I know it doesn't necessarily mean it's all perfect for them, but it just makes you wonder what's wrong with you why they've found people who want that life with them, and way earlier than you too.

Now is too soon, but on the flip side, saying 'i have a few years' is a bit blasé about the fact that your chances of conceiving will be dropping.

Mumsnet tends to be biased towards woman who did succeed to concieve (for obvious reasons), but around 1/3 of 37 year olds will struggle to concieve.

I would be wanting to start trying in about 18 months, but you would need to get a lot of things in order before then.

Of course we should - they've chosen to put their own desires above the wellbeing of their children.