To think kids who have ‘immature parents’ can’t wait to get away from them?

[ChillaxingStuart]

i had an aggressive, abusive, alcoholic mother and an enabler father. I was an only child and had absorb the shitshow on my own

Thry were both immature but my mum had a more ‘outgoing’ manner and my dad just shy and passive. They were both immature and lacked confidence but this manifested in different ways.

As a young child of 5 I can remember crying to my mum that I wanted to live with a family friend and at 22 in uni I can remember saying to a friend that I didn’t want to end up like my parents as imo they lived a pitiable, miserable life.

AIBU to think there’s nothing more difficult for kids than living with immature parents - and the kids then want to make their exit sharpish!!

I think the fact your mum was an aggressive alcoholic probably didn't help, I can't get from your post why you considered your parents immature though?

Ok my mum was immature because she had sudden often aggressive mood swings - she was occasionally violent

She also seemed more worried about what other people thought etc than the welfare of her own family

also couldn’t deal straightforwardly with difficult situations - went ‘round the houses’ iyswim - making it more difficult in long run

my mum was immature because she had sudden often aggressive mood swings - she was occasionally violent

Sounds like an alcoholic I'm no longer in contact with rather than immaturity.

Please don't confuse immaturity with alcoholism.

My mum was extremely immature and still is - my mum and dad had a massive age gap (30 years) and it was more like she was my sister than parent.

In her defence she had undiagnosed autism.

But she would cause arguments, lie, try and get my in trouble with my dad, steal so forth and so on.

From your OP it sounds like your mum was an alcoholic which is obviously understandable why you wanted to get away - she probably showed some immaturity too because of it.

It all sounds like typical alcoholism rather than anything to do with immaturity.

Sudden, aggressive mood swings would be largely attributable to her alcoholism. Worrying about what other people think doesn't generally go hand in hand with alcoholism, so your post is a little contradictory. "Immature" is perhaps not the right word for what you are trying to say. If you're asking whether people with dysfunctional parents want to leave home early, then the answer is probably a resounding yes.

I left home at 20 and never looked back. I'm glad I'm miles away from the shitshow that is my family.

It’s not really about parents being ‘immature’. It’s about them being shit parents and/or unpleasant people. And yes, of course people with terrible usually want to get away from them. Why would you need to ask if it was unreasonable to think this?

Ok my mum was immature because she had sudden often aggressive mood swings - she was occasionally violent
this isn't immature it's being an aggressive alky, I know mine was one

What OP describes are emotionally immature parents. They obviously couldn't handle themselves, their needs and the needs of their child. That's immature.

No surprise here that many don't recognise it, but that doesn't mean it isn't immature.

Yes, it's neglect and any form of neglect is the worst that could happen to a child who depends on it's parents. I come from this too and it's horrendous trying to heal from.

There was a girl in my wider friend group in uni who had an immature mum, and was in a constant push and pull cycle of wanting to get away from her but feeling guilty because her mum relied on her so much. Her mum had a gaggle of kids at home much younger than my friend, and always wanted her to come home on Fridays so she could disappear off to house parties for the weekend. Never paid bills on time, acted so stupidly when drunk, didn’t think about or plan things like school lunches or uniforms, needed to borrow money from friends student loan & pay back at the end of the month, would buy expensive things on a whim like a caravan or a home bar for the garden. She would ring my friend multiple times a day because she was ‘bored’, yet never tidied the house or did any activities with the 5 kids she had at home.

I could see the lack of stability my friend had but her mum had such a grip on her at the same time, you could never say anything to her.

@loropianalover her mother likely emotionally manipulated her from a young age. It also sounds like she got parentified on a grande scale. You don't suddenly break away from this without a massive final straw or lots of work on yourself. It's extremely hard. She will carry a level of guilt during the pull a normal person would never have felt. It's almost impossible to ignore and resist just like that. Poor girl.

OP, your parents are emotionally immature, they absolutely fit the definition. There’s a great book - Adult children of emotionally immature parents - if you haven’t already read a copy, you’ll find your family dynamic in there.

i didn’t realise, but it does make complete sense, that having a parent who is more concerned with what others think of them and not doing things because of lack of confidence is a form of self absorption and if you’re the child of such people you’re not being parented properly. They’re not overtly self absorbed so much more tricky to make the link but the outcome for a child is no less difficult.

Ah yes thank you - I’ve definitely heard of that book !!

Yes it was terrible, at 18/19 I definitely couldn’t vocalise it in the correct way or really understand what was happening. It was just ‘annoying’ to a lot of people and her friendships definitely suffered. Her mum could ring her for hours on end in the evenings in her flat share and wanted to know what all the flatmates were doing, what were they drinking, she wishes she was there, what club are they going to etc. Nobody wanted a mum on the phone for hours at pre-drinks but my friend could never hang up or there would be war. Some of us had messages off the mum on Facebook a few times calling us nasty, and then ‘making friends’ with us again the next morning. We didn’t keep in touch after uni but I know she moved back home after she graduated, tried to move to England but soon came home again to live with her mum. It’s awful.

You asked "AIBU to think there’s nothing more difficult for kids than living with immature parents", the answer to that is that there is plenty more difficult for kids than living with immature parents, so YABU.

What the describes are emotionally immature parents. They obviously couldn't handle themselves, their needs and the needs of their child. That's immature

I agree @Twatalert. My Dad has always been emotionally immature and he was very. lucky that my late Mum fell in love with him (without fully realizing the extent of his issues) as she was very competent and mature. She steered the family and parented me- I now realize what a tough time she had with him. 🙁.

She encouraged me to move away after uni and live my own life as she developed serious health problems and knew that I’d be pushed into becoming his emotional crutch when she died and he’d prevent me from having a fulfilling life. At the time I didn’t realize that she was protecting me, but with hindsight, she definitely was!

Now he’s elderly and widowed, I support him emotionally and practically from a distance and he drives me mad sometimes! But I’ll support him until the end, he’s my Dad and I love him, but I’m the adult in our relationship!

Yes, totally enmeshed. I hope she got out.

Your mum was setting you free ❤️

sounds like you’ve got a good, balanced attitude ❤️

When I read your title I thought you meant giggling at fart jokes. What you are describing is far more than immaturity.

Mine were both emotionally immature, my mum was controlling and enmeshing and treated me as a surrogate spouse. I should have gone to uni and left home but I was so anxious (because of them) that I didn't. The chances I wasted. When my daughter starts looking at unis in a couple of years I will really have to dig deep to not be really affected. Not jealous just sad for me! That is quite indulgent I know.

I would really recommend it. Through it i realised that mine were both emotionally immature - lucky me.

It was very freeing to get away from my immature parents. It was only recently I dropped the rope with my DM but I haven't spoken to my DF in many years and he will never meet my children. They will never have to tie themselves in knots trying (always unsuccessfully) to make their grandfather happy.
The problem with immature parents is that they never, ever change so you either put up with their shit or you don't. No amount of reasoning works.

Yes I agree