Taking dd(11)'s friend on holiday

Dolambslikemintsauce · 01/03/2025 12:41

Just reinforce your invitation has been revoked!! Managing 2 pre teens wouldn't be a holiday.. More an endurance test at your expense...

AliceMcK · 01/03/2025 12:42

No experience and interested in what others think, but I think if you have agreed to take the child and family has made plans you have to honour your original agreement. As you say things have settled with the girls so it’s not as if they are not friends atm.

bigboykitty · 01/03/2025 12:46

'No, really sorry that it's inconvenient for you, but we're not able to take your DD with us. I am glad the girls are rubbing along better but they are not good friends anymore and it's not an option for us to take your dd'

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/03/2025 12:47

You're putting them in a really awkward place if they have made other plans, possibly that will involving them losing money if they have to cancel. However what I would do, depends on what actually happened and what your daughter wants for their long term friendship

If you think their daughter has behaved horribly and their friendship is effectively over, then I'd uninvite but be prepared for a fall out

Otherwise I'd be doing more to try and make sure the girls are getting on before then, encouraging them to spend some 1 on 1 time together etc. As uninviting from a holiday will probably end their friendship for ever

Pyjamatimenow · 01/03/2025 12:49

It’s very unfortunate all round. Are they in y6? I think they’re being a bit cheeky to insist you take. It’s unfortunate but I wouldn’t want my dd going away if there was potential for falling out. Some people just can’t sit to get rid of their own kids. The trouble is if you refuse there could be falling out at school over it when things have just settled. It’s only four nights. I think I would be inclined to go ahead with it and tell dd that once you invite someone uninviting is not really the done thing,

Pyjamatimenow · 01/03/2025 12:50

Unless the girl has been particularly horrible? What actually happened when they fell out?

Violashifts · 01/03/2025 12:52

I made my dd take her friend after all she invited her. So I felt harsh to revoke. They got on fine.
Other parents had offered to take my dd somewhere too as a pay back. Dates finalised. They fell out again and I heard they took another girl. Didn't even get a sorry text. Just radio silence.

So I would do what works for you. Everyone else does.

Strawberryfruitcorner · 01/03/2025 12:53

You’re not a childminder and this isn’t childcare. It’s an arrangement/ invitation based on two people getting on.

If it was two adults they wouldn’t be expected to go on holiday and it’s the same for two children.

Maybe ask DD one more time but I’d say it’s up to her if she wants this to happen or not. It’s her family and her personal holiday time.

biscuitsandbooks · 01/03/2025 12:53

I think it's a bit shit to cancel when you've promised to take their DD away, honestly.

encroyable · 01/03/2025 12:55

That's very awkward. I'd maybe try getting them together beforehand so you know if it's got the potential to work or not. Hopefully it does and then you don't have to worry about it and can pass it off as pre teen drama like you say and if it doesn't, then you can go back to the parents and tell them that it's just not going to work.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 01/03/2025 12:57

We took ds's mate abroad... Sent them both back on a flight after week 1....
Think they were 14 /15...

PensionConfusion24 · 01/03/2025 12:59

I think you have to take her if it was already agreed and I'd be explaining to my DD that once that sort of commitment (going on holiday with someone) is made it can't always be easily undone. Then I'd keep a very close eye on them during the holiday.
But you might find when it's just the two of them that they actually get on fine.

Original poster

wishingyouthesame · 01/03/2025 13:03

Pyjamatimenow · 01/03/2025 12:50

Unless the girl has been particularly horrible? What actually happened when they fell out?

I think it started between two other girls that split the group in half, lots of gossiping and name calling between them.

The friend did tell others something very personal and upsetting about dd but aware dd also took part in name calling and was unkind.

OP posts:

Strawberryfruitcorner · 01/03/2025 13:04

PensionConfusion24 · 01/03/2025 12:59

I think you have to take her if it was already agreed and I'd be explaining to my DD that once that sort of commitment (going on holiday with someone) is made it can't always be easily undone. Then I'd keep a very close eye on them during the holiday.
But you might find when it's just the two of them that they actually get on fine.

But it can be undone? What does that teach her about boundaries and personal choice and space?

When she’s in her twenties and a friend or partner makes her feel pushed into a situation? Should she go along with it because it can’t be easily undone?

People cancel weddings, holidays, house moves, all sorts of things, with their friends or partners. This is just a UK break, not even any flights, easy peasy. Sometimes difficult conversations and letting people down are important lessons. We don’t always need to people please.

beadystar · 01/03/2025 13:20

I'd say firmly that the invitation no longer stands. A pp crafted the sentence very well. You don't have to model giving treats to people who have been mean to you, even if they were pre-arranged. I presume the children would be sharing a room too; I wouldn't risk any return to nastiness from either party. If they can be polite to each other at school, that's enough for now.

GabriellaMontez · 01/03/2025 13:21

Can you imagine trying to insist your yr 6 child went away for 4 nights with people who'd said she wasn't welcome?! Wtf?

Ilovethatbear · 01/03/2025 13:23

Just respond saying “no, that’s not an option. You will need to make other arrangements as we won’t be taking Lily”

Strawberryfruitcorner · 01/03/2025 13:24

GabriellaMontez · 01/03/2025 13:21

Can you imagine trying to insist your yr 6 child went away for 4 nights with people who'd said she wasn't welcome?! Wtf?

Yes also this!

autisticbookworm · 01/03/2025 13:25

Tricky. If they have paid for their dd place I think you should reimburse them but otherwise I'd apologise and say no. It would be awful for their dd to go and feel uncomfortable

HisNibs · 01/03/2025 13:27

"Dd has said she doesn’t want friend coming away with us anymore"

This is the deciding factor. What fun is the holiday going to be is the above is true? Taking the friend when DD doesn't want her there is a recipe for disaster.
It's not OPs (or her daughters) fault that the friends parents have made other plans. That's the risk of going on holiday with friends, the situation can change. The friends parents have no right to insist that DD is friends with their daughter. It would of course only be right to return any money they paid.

Pyjamatimenow · 01/03/2025 13:29

GabriellaMontez · 01/03/2025 13:21

Can you imagine trying to insist your yr 6 child went away for 4 nights with people who'd said she wasn't welcome?! Wtf?

Yes that was my thought. I’d be stressed enough about it if she was welcome never mind

DazedDragon · 01/03/2025 13:31

wishingyouthesame · 01/03/2025 12:39

4 night uk holiday booked over Easter. Teenage dc bringing a friend and said 11 year old dd could too (I know that was probably a stupid decision)

She has since fallen out with her friend. All very preteen girl drama, bit nasty to begin with but it’s been several weeks and they’ve settled into now be perfectly pleasant at school as they share other friends but not being actively friends with each other.

Dd has said she doesn’t want friend coming away with us anymore so I messaged the parents and said as the girls aren’t getting on it’s probably best her daughter no longer comes and they’ve said they’d made other plans as I agreed to take their dd away who is excited and that they’ll be fine and they’ll make sure they’re getting on by then.

Am I being unreasonable to say no? Am I supposed to expect dd to sort it out and take friend regardless?

YANBU.

The girls fell out, and although they're no longer "fighting" and are civil, they're clearly not friends any more.

I find the parents reaction very odd. Why on earth would you make your DD go on holiday with someone they were no longer friends with? Their daughter is excited?!?! I bet this is the parents words, and not their daughters.

Easter is a few weeks away so they have plenty of time to alter their plans.

Could your DD message this girl and ask what she thinks about going away? I'm thinking the reply would be in agreement with your DD about not wanting to go rather than the parents version. Or perhaps if it was just the two of them, they could go back to being friends?

Moonnstars · 01/03/2025 13:31

The parents shouldn't have rushed out and made other plans. I think if the girls aren't getting on then it is not going to be a fun holiday. Have they paid anything towards her going? If not then I would just reinforce the message that you no longer feel comfortable taking her and have decided it will be family only.

MzHz · 01/03/2025 13:34

hold on, Easter is in a few weeks or so right? It’s not imminent.

get the girl over for a film/pizza or something, see how they get on and then make a decision.

This could be salvageable and it will let you off the hook in terms of entertaining your 11yo.

HelloNorthernStar · 01/03/2025 13:34

Easter is weeks away, it will have all calmed down by then, probably in a week or so. I think you have been hasty to uninvited her now.