Taking dd(11)'s friend on holiday

[wishingyouthesame]

4 night uk holiday booked over Easter. Teenage dc bringing a friend and said 11 year old dd could too (I know that was probably a stupid decision)

She has since fallen out with her friend. All very preteen girl drama, bit nasty to begin with but it’s been several weeks and they’ve settled into now be perfectly pleasant at school as they share other friends but not being actively friends with each other.

Dd has said she doesn’t want friend coming away with us anymore so I messaged the parents and said as the girls aren’t getting on it’s probably best her daughter no longer comes and they’ve said they’d made other plans as I agreed to take their dd away who is excited and that they’ll be fine and they’ll make sure they’re getting on by then.

Am I being unreasonable to say no? Am I supposed to expect dd to sort it out and take friend regardless?

I’d reiterate to the parents that the invitation is revoked.

They haven't and weren't going to be paying anything for us to take their dd away, obviously I would be giving it back if they had!

As they've mad other plans though it's possible changing them will end up costing them money.

If it’s Easter and so 6+ weeks away you’re giving more than enough time to cancel. They were foolish to make other plans that can’t be moved as obviously it was never guaranteed the plans wouldn’t fall through, for example one of the girls could have been unwell or you could have had a family emergency or change in family circumstances nearer the time.

What's key here is what your DD wants, presuming she understands the implications of this girl not coming.

Frankly the fact this girl shared something private about your DD would be all I needed to say no.

Your daughter needs to see you supporting her not prioritising what the other parents are doing. For me part of parenting teenagers is them trusting you and knowing you'll put them first.

Why would anyone with a brain make plans until the plane had actually left the runway?

Young girls are always falling out. I wouldn’t have done anything until she was safely in the other country.

"As they've mad other plans though it's possible changing them will end up costing them money."
That's the risk they took. Young children friendships are often on and off so if I had been in their situation, I wouldn't have made plans that were difficult/costly to alter.

I think it’s very possible the girls might be closer friends by Easter but also possible they might not be and I don’t want to have to deal with any further fall out or upset if they’re not or have to cancel last minute.

That's really tricky.

I do see PP's points around supporting your DC to feel enabled to change her mind to be able to get out of difficult situations in the future. However this isn't a marriage or potential abusive situation. It is 2 pre-teens who have become mixed up in drama between other girls.

If they had been long term friends that you as a family know (which I assume is the case for the invitation to have been issued) and both you and the other girl's parents are supporting mending the friendship, I would be inclined to see if DD would be ok with continuing with the holiday. I would be conscious of being more present and enlisting teen DC and friend to dilute and potential brewing issues.

If you don't know the girl well, they haven't been close for long and DD is adamant that she doesn't want to go away with her, it would be a firm apology. You are sorry her DD will be disappointed, but there is time for them to amend their Easter plans, arrange for their DD to spend time with grandparents/cousins/another friend over that time.

"Sorry, I'm not comfortable taking her Incase it escalates and I'm dealing with the fallout. I'm glad they're getting along better, but it's best for everyone that she doesn't come. Apologies if this has caused any inconvenience for you."

You have to put your dc first no matter what and so should they. It’s bad enough having siblings bickering never mind these 2 who are just being polite to each other the fact this supposed friend blabbed something personal your dc won’t trust her.

You have definitely been too quick to send that message. My 12yo DD and her best friend were at a sleep over last night (and still out with) a girl they said was their ‘mortal enemy’ not three days ago because they all fell out. Girls at this age fall out constantly.

Best friends…nastiness…enemies….best friends…and around we go.

You either need to stand firm and be very clear that she’s not coming because they are not getting on and that’s that or agree that you’ll see how the next week or so goes, if the girls can get together and sort it out then it can go ahead but if not then no.

YANBU

Your DD doesn't want her there, so you have to follow through with making it clear that the 'friend' is no longer coming.

They are being unreasonable to try to force you to take their child on (a free for them) holiday!!

Of course it’s not a divorce or abuse.

The point it the lessons we learn as youngsters regarding possibly less serious issues, set us up to deal with those major life events.

Parenting is about choosing what’s best for your child but also setting them up to be adults so they can choose what’s best for themselves.

I will definitely have another chat with dd and work out if she thinks we can sort out the friendship.
If it's a no, think I'm going to have to stand strong with the No to friend coming