Its hard making friends as a single woman in your 30s

[tropicalroses]

There was a thread on here the other day about how many presents you receive. What struck me was the disparity between people with families who would then also maybe have 2 or 3 friends who were also close enough to be gift givers, versus the single women who didn't receive anything from children and partners, but also who don't have the close friends. I think some of it may be that as your friends hit the life stages of married and kids the single ones drift away.

BUT, there was also an article in the paper at the end of last year about how isolating country life can be when you're single. The author pointed out that being a single woman in her 40s made other women keep her at arms length to keep her away from their husbands. So they might meet for a coffee, but never be invited to a BBQ or round for dinner.

The comments under the article said many recognised this too. To me it seems hugely unkind- but since I read the article I do recognise it more and more. I moved to a new village recently and whilst I have my dog walking pals, any suggestion to deepen the friendships are batted away. I know its not because they don't like me- if they didn't then we wouldn't meet so regularly!!

I guess over the years I am starting to feel more lonely. And whilst my family would say get out there and do more and meet more people, those friendships never seem to go beyond the gym walls, or the dog walk. I really am starting to think as the article suggests that other women see you ask a walking risk.

I do want to know if I am right. It actually helps. I had no problem in making friends in my twenties, but now approaching 40 I am struggling to convert. Knowing it is harder actually helps.

When you say you are lonely and people tell you you need to just 'do more' or join more things, it can be really frustrating when you are doing these things and it just isn't happening. Knowing someone married with kids doesn't see where I fit in actually helps because I know what the reason is.

I think it's probably a combination of fewer people around interested in developing new friendships; people connecting more with others at a similar life stage (eg people always ask about your children, if you have any, when you meet up - not because they're desperate to know, but it's an easy point of connection) and the fact that single people tend to exude a sense of self sufficiency which may make others feel they're not needed.

He’s not single tho, he’s in a couple with you, are you not invited?

People won't admit that you're right, OP, because they probably do the same and don't want to acknowledge it.

Or people have different experiences from the OP, maybe ?

It wouldn't occur to me to keep my single friends away from my husband but I would generally socialise either on my own or with partners or families, as in if they are alone I'd meet them alone or we'd both bring partners or kids.

Maybe the issue is more that those who have families tend to want to keep time aside for their family and kids? I work all week and have things on in the evenings already so on a weekend I don't have a lot of time to socialise alone as I like to be with my kids. If I'm meeting someone with their husband and kids and then it can be easier but not always.

I say you’re not imagining anything, it’s is absolutely true that women get to a certain maturity and age and realise being cool about single women being friends with their husbands is not worth the risk.

It's just as possible to have an affair with a married woman as a single woman though so I don't see why single women would be seen as a particular threat.

Yes, the latter in my case. We had people over for dinner this weekend — two single women in their late 40s/early50s, a 50 year old man who’s dating but didn’t bring his newish girlfriend as she had something else on, two couples (one female/female, one male/female) and DH and me. One of the single women is a friend of DH’s, the single man more a friend of mine, but probably mutual these days. It would no more occur to me to only invite couples to a dinner or to ‘segregate’ my single female friends from DH than it would occur to me to streak across a football pitch. The guest list was based on ‘who would I like to see and think would get along’.

should have been clearer - both divorced for a number of years before meeting.

we were discussing experiences post divorce but prior to meeting.

we obviously now socialise as a couple- and alone. But my friends are more single women ( and the odd bloke) and his are still a lot of couples

All the prickly defensive responses from married women claiming they don’t try to keep single women away from their husbands are… interesting. I’m single and I totally recognise what you’re talking about OP. (As it happens I’m also gay, though generally seem to be perceived as straight, and I’m about one jealous look away from standing on a chair with a rainbow flag and shouting I DON’T WANT TO FUCK YOUR HUSBANDS).

Well, clearly I’m a total dog, because I don’t recognise being kept away from married friends’ husbands when I was single, I don’t have my male friends making passes at me at the drop of a hat, plus it’s never even occurred to me that DH, much though I love him, is likely to have his or my female friends, single or married, trying to inveigle themselves into his pants. I mean, it’s a possibility, sure, but I mean, short of keeping him in some kind of sex-segregated cage, that’s just life, isn’t it? Our most apparently happy and united friends, who founded and ran a successful business together, divorced when he fell in love with someone he literally bumped into in a doorway on a work stint in another country.

Same @Crichel

But why can’t you see that not everyone is like you or like your particular circle of friends? Just because you don’t guard your DH like he’s the Crown Jewels doesn’t mean it’s not a thing with some women.

I, too, have never found single women a threat to my relationship. My friends generally aren’t like this either. But I have encountered it in various settings- work events, groups of parents, wedding guests etc. It’s not everyone, but enough that I noticed it.

you don’t need to take it as a personal insult - it’s like the perfume thread on here with people saying ‘ I get so many compliments when I I wear this fragrance’ . Despite wearing many amazing perfumes- no one has ever commented on my perfume! Ever! I wasn’t the only one either.

it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to other people- they aren’t lying!

It might be a number of factors- where they live, local culture, age, type of work environment. The same goes for insecure wives.

I don't have men making passes at me and I am definitely not making passes them. It isn't men where I see the issue. Its things like the street christmas party where a female neighbour is organising it and goes out of her way not to mention it, and then a male neighbour says its a shame I couldn't make it. There's just a sense of defensiveness from certain women that I didn't notice in our interactions a decade ago.

For me it helps knowing this as people keep saying to me go out and do more, but I am doing plenty- what I can't get is back into any social circle outside of the activity. Its exhausting.

Hi OP, i think in your mid 30's to early 40's everyone has a lot less time - Careers getting full on, kids getting full on and it is hard for people to even see their old friends let alone make time for new friends. We have a couple of single female friends we try to include as much as possible as they definitely don't get included so much, but it is hard because socialising with friends with kids is what aligns with our kids as well. It does also sound a bit shit that they didn't include you in the Christmas drinks sorry that this is tough.

@tropicalroses There's just a sense of defensiveness from certain women that I didn't notice in our interactions a decade ago.

Really? I'm surprised you've never noticed anything like this before. Cliquiness and bitchiness is something I've noticed a lot when meeting new people, particularly when trying to befriend an already-established group. And I hate to say it, but it does tend to be mainly in women. This goes back to school days.

It is hard out there. Im 50s op. I messaged one could meet her x date or y date. No reply. Find people shocking flakes now. Cliques are hard in hobby groups too they know each other well.