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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit weird about this....

56 replies

Forthelovagod · 28/02/2025 23:02

In new relationship but with someone ive known a long time. I know he has always had female friends, i also know he has slept with at least one, although i dont know or want to know who is who.

Anyway im away this week. He mentioned yesterday his old pal was in the area and coming over for a catch up tonight. Assumes im ok with this and assures me unprompted that no one is a threat to me, he adores me.

Im totally fine with that. I feel adored. I know he loves me.

Chatting tonight he mentioned what he'd made them for dinner. He's a great cook. It sounded a lovely meal.

Got off phone and been feeling a bit uneasy ever since. Wtf is wrong with me.... Its just dinner. He loves to cook for folk. He didn't have to tell me. But if im honest it has made me feel a bit fucking miffed. He doesn't make a nice meal if a male pal visits. And he said popping up for a catch up.... Not im making her dinner.

Aibu? Am i being a dick? Fwiw my last relationship broke me and this has been a big step. Also i absolutely trust it was innocent but it still makes me feel weird

OP posts:
Original poster
Forthelovagod · 01/03/2025 00:02

It wasn't just a bit of toast with beans, it was a proper nice meal and a specially bought dessert. He defo wouldn't do it for a male friend. I know this 100 %

OP posts:
mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 01/03/2025 00:18

Forthelovagod · 28/02/2025 23:59

@BobbyBiscuits she doesnt live nearby at the moment which is why he had her over tonight when she was back in town. I've met every other friend that's been around since starting our relationship. He's very good like that. I wonder if id have been invited had i not been away 🤔

I'll sleep on it.
He knows me well. We have been close pals for years. He will know im stewing over something. I guess it's just that dinner 1:1 seems datey to me and made me feel a bit jealous. I think that is ok. Im not about to lose my shit over it. Just need it acknowledged maybe

I think the fact that this is a new relationship and you know him well already, but feel uncomfortable about this would be ringing alarm bells for me. This is not some random man you've only known for a couple of days.
You seem confident be wouldn't go go these lengths for a male friend, so why's he doing it now?
I'd be very wary of them going to church together anbeing responsible for

Crichel · 01/03/2025 00:22

Forthelovagod · 28/02/2025 23:26

I definitely won't be causing a fuss about it, i just needed somewhere to vent and try to make sense of why it has bothered me. Im not normally a jealous person, at all.

I guess i just see making a meal as quite romantic hence why he wouldn't make his male pal a nice meal

That’s your issue, then. There’s nothing inherently romantic about feeding someone. You’re new on the scene, so, as he’d be crazy to ditch long-established friendships for a new relationship that may not last, it’s a matter of deciding whether this is going to work for you.

I’ve been happily married for aeons, and have slept with a couple of my male friends — it was so long ago, it feels more like myth than history.

Pyjamatimenow · 01/03/2025 00:25

Nah I wouldn’t be ok with this.

BobbyBiscuits · 01/03/2025 00:25

@Forthelovagod that sounds sensible.

Is she single? Has she form for flirting with attached men? But even then if you trust him that shouldn't even matter. I'd not call one to one dinner 'datey' really. I often meet mates singularly for meals or drinks. It's a good way to catch up with someone if you don't meet that often as you've no distractions from chatting.

Ellepff · 01/03/2025 00:30

I think it’s time to find out which female friend(s?) he’s slept with and set different boundaries for them - my dh had been sleeping with 3 of his female friends at various points and after a few months I realized we needed different boundaries around them - starting when I realized he went with one on a nice afternoon out Valentine’s weekend. Those ones I asked for rough summaries of communication, not to make certain kinds of life decisions with them, and if we hadn’t been living together I’m sure I wouldn’t have wanted him cooking and having one stay over.

Two of the three were so happy for him and stepped back (going to a pub instead of him going to hers for beers on the sofa- she’d be welcome at ours though). The third showed her colours.

MsDogLady · 01/03/2025 00:40

… and this friend has shit going on she wanted to talk about.

@Forthelovagod, I can understand why you feel unsettled. I would as well.

He wanted to do something special for her, so he prepared a lovely meal and bought a fab dessert. Also, he offered her a shoulder so she could confide about her troubling issues. It all sounds rather cozy and intimate, and feels too close for comfort.

You need to talk to him and calmly express your discomfort.

Chuchoter · 01/03/2025 00:54

Funny how the old friend rocks up just when you happen to be away!

He told you about it so that when you come home you'll be feeling insecure and be wanting to throw yourself at him.

NotRightNowPlease · 01/03/2025 01:16

Follow your gut.

Monty27 · 01/03/2025 03:44

You probably feel bad about your own insecurities. Where's the trust? What is bothering you?

Monty27 · 01/03/2025 03:47

Monty27 · 01/03/2025 03:44

You probably feel bad about your own insecurities. Where's the trust? What is bothering you?

Personally I wouldn't be having any of it. My oh can't cook but that's neither here nor there.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 01/03/2025 03:52

This is one of the reasons i'd never date a man who was still friendly/in touch with an ex/someone he'd slept with (bar necessary contact when a child is involved). I just know i'd never feel comfortable with his fondness for someone he'd been so emotionally and physically intimate with. As honest as it may be he had no intention of it going there again, the fact it had in the past would always be on my mind that if it's happened before it could happen again. In an irrational way, i'd feel i was having to share him with another woman. Every thoughtful gesture (like your situation above) would sting and i'd be in my own head questioning if there was more to it, or was there desire on her part even if not his for it to be more, and if she made a move would he potentially reciprocate in the moment.

beencaughttrollin · 01/03/2025 04:25

Given the need for a private chat, the time of day, and the fact that he loves to cook, I'd not have been surprised that he made her dinner. I wouldn't be bothered about how he described the visit in advance - e.g., saying "in for a catch-up" instead of "coming over for dinner", as the chat seems to have been the driver (at least from what he's told you). I WOULD find it weird if he routinely fusses over home coking and special desserts for his women friends while the men are lucky to get a packet of crisps under the same circumstances (in for a private talk in the evening), but I'd be more inclined to think he might have rigid gender stereotypes about women's vs men's tastes and standards than that he had romantic/sexual feelings for the women. ("... assures me unprompted that no one is a threat to me, he adores me" would jar me a little though - why would his thoughts even "go there"? )

If it's still bothering you after a few days, I think you have to talk to him, but figure out first what it is that you want. Would you have felt OK about it if you'd met this friend? If he'd gone out with her rather than staying in? If he'd told you more up front - "Janie's having trouble with her boss and wants to pick my brain as I used to work for him - I asked her over for dinner so we can talk in private since her work is so sensitive. Guess I'll be making the Duck à la Pêche and picking up a Tarte Tatin at the bakery..." Or if he didn't see her alone at all?

It doesn't matter if you're being unreasonable (by his or anyone else's standards) or not if the situation is going to continue to bother you. Once you're sure you feel strongly enough that you need to speak up and you can can articulate what you want, tell him and let him push back so the two of you can see if you can reach a compromise.

Joystir59 · 01/03/2025 04:28

What is the status of your relationship? Are you having sex in which case I would make sure you are exclusive, nothing less would suit me.

Joystir59 · 01/03/2025 04:33

I absolutely would invite a friend over and make dinner for them. I think the issue is that your guy has slept around in his friendship group and perhaps that applies to this dinner-attending friend? So in that case there might be a sexual charge between them? And perhaps you haven't had the conversation about fidelity, so aren't sure where you stand.

TemporaryPosition · 01/03/2025 04:34

bunnypenny · 28/02/2025 23:16

i can’t be the only person who read this and can’t work out the issue? You’re sad he made a nice meal for a friend?

OP said that he doesn't cook for his male friends. Of course she has an issue with him having a cosy date night with another woman. They might not have sex, but they're enjoying each others company in an intimate way.

beachcitygirl · 01/03/2025 04:36

Honestly. If he's going to shag about he will. Doesn't sound like it here.

Male/female dynamics are different. Length of journey is different, some male pals may want to hit the pub, female pals may want a night in and a blether.

First trust him until he gives you reason not to or hit therapy and find out what drives your insecurity.
He has no reason to tell you and has no reason to lie
You're not engaged or married or have kids.

He chose you.
If you can't cop on you'll lose him

PrincessOfPreschool · 01/03/2025 06:49

I can see why you're miffed. There's something about wanting to impress someone when you make a nice, home cooked meal just for two. Maybe the only time you've experienced that was someone trying to impress you (and get in your knickers).

It could also be his way of trying to cheer up this friend if she's having a difficult time and didn't want to talk in a public place.

I think it's likely the latter situation in the context of other things you've said. But the feelings of jealousy are very normal, even if you hadn't had a messed up relationship before. I would feel it too.

Boredlass · 01/03/2025 06:51

Halloumiheaven · 28/02/2025 23:25

Its very cool wife to be totally ok with opposite sex friends- but I dunno...

Every single male friend I've ever had has tried it on with me or crossed boundaries at some point in time and I've had to bin them off.

And every single male friend of mine, which is a fair few, has never tried it on with me

SpanThatWorld · 01/03/2025 06:55

Halloumiheaven · 28/02/2025 23:25

Its very cool wife to be totally ok with opposite sex friends- but I dunno...

Every single male friend I've ever had has tried it on with me or crossed boundaries at some point in time and I've had to bin them off.

Not a single one of my male friends has ever tried it on. Not one.

Didimum · 01/03/2025 06:55

bunnypenny · 28/02/2025 23:16

i can’t be the only person who read this and can’t work out the issue? You’re sad he made a nice meal for a friend?

That’s the whole point. OP is trying to work out why too.

Original poster
Forthelovagod · 01/03/2025 07:13

I trust him
I genuinely dont think he is interested in anyone else or trying to keep amyone else on the back burner type thing.

Its the intimacy of dinner together.
I'd feel thevsame if he said she came over to watch a movie. Or if he bought her a really personal gift for Christmas, like perfume maybe....

I just feel it's too datey and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I wish it didn't bevause he is a good guy and i do trust him.

Also his comment about no one being a threat to me is not out of character for him, he said it because he wamts our relationship to work. He has said this. I do too. We are not just having sex. Not at all. But despite all this i feel weird about dinner 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
TagSplashMaverick · 01/03/2025 08:17

Also his comment about no one being a threat to me is not out of character for him, he said it because he wamts our relationship to work

Hmm.

renthead · 01/03/2025 08:38

I don't see an issue here. You yourself have said this is a new relationship, and this woman is an old friend of his. You can't go dictating which friends he can and can't have dinner with as a new girlfriend (and I know you're not planning to!)

It's also not strange to me that he is cooking dinner for a female friend but wouldn't for a man. I don't know any male friends who get together for dinner a deux! Whereas this is normal for women. It's a different dynamic, but I also don't see it as date-like in any way.

Crichel · 01/03/2025 09:14

Forthelovagod · 01/03/2025 07:13

I trust him
I genuinely dont think he is interested in anyone else or trying to keep amyone else on the back burner type thing.

Its the intimacy of dinner together.
I'd feel thevsame if he said she came over to watch a movie. Or if he bought her a really personal gift for Christmas, like perfume maybe....

I just feel it's too datey and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I wish it didn't bevause he is a good guy and i do trust him.

Also his comment about no one being a threat to me is not out of character for him, he said it because he wamts our relationship to work. He has said this. I do too. We are not just having sex. Not at all. But despite all this i feel weird about dinner 🤦‍♀️

That again reflects your own ideas about ‘dates’, though. I hate cooking, but have made dinner the odd time for male friends, and they’ve certainly much more often cooked for me, and we’ve often watched films at home and gone to the cinema together. And on earth wouldn’t we exchange “personal’ gifts for Christmas and birthdays? We’ve known each other for many, many years, so know exactly what the other likes. An old friend often gives me my favourite Jo Malone bath oil, for instance. There’s nothing ‘datey’ about that — he’s not taking a bath with me!

The more you say, the less it sounds as if this relationship is going to work for you. You can’t expect someone to ditch longterm friends for you, for any reason. Anyone who would dump friends because of a new relationship would have their priorities all wrong.