12 year old in Dad's bed

[Rankandfile]

Husband and I are divorcing after a long marriage. Difficult and challenging and he's living in the (rented) family home as we sort finances. He's moved into the spare room (thank God) and we have told the kids about the divorce.

My 12 almost 13 year old son has recently started sleeping with him every night (double bed) and it's making me really uncomfortable. I've tried talking to him about it, but he's glued to Daddy who is currently playing Perfect Parent.

Am I being unreasonable - should I just accept that my son wants the comfort at this difficult time? Am I NOT being unreasonable - an almost teen boy should be in his own bed.

I honestly don’t see what is wrong with this if it comforts him.

What are you worried about? Do you genuinely have a fear that your DH would act inappropriately towards your son just because he’s in his bed?

If yes, YABU for letting your son anywhere near him.

If no, also YABU because this is just a nice thing that your son still feels childish enough to do. Making him feel weird about it would be pretty horrible of you.

You’ve split up.
his family is falling apart.
he’s expecting dad to move out asap
and your issue with your son sharing a bed is what?

When my DD was 12 and struggling with her mental health, she slept with me any night she wanted to.

What's your issue with it?

He's feeling insecure because of the changes about to happen and wants to be close to his dad before he potentially isn't living with him anymore? I honestly don't see an issue with this

Maybe he's worried his dad will be leaving the family home, and he doesn't know what the future holds for his parents relationship. He senses the issues and is needing to do this as a comfort. To say he doesn't want you to split up. I think.

He's wants and needs his dad. Leave them be.

Bloody hell one of my 14 year old dts got into bed with me a while ago.
We were just chatting quietly, then lay there in silence then we fell asleep.
It was nice, I think he'd had a shit day and wanted to be close to someone.
12 is no age at all he's still so young and he obviously really needs it.

Unless you suspect SA then I don't see the issue. It's his dad.

Unless you believe your husband is acting inappropriately then YABU.

Your poor son. Do you not have any insight into how difficult it will be for him knowing his parents are splitting? He is probably worried about his dad moving out and not seeing him much so wanting to be close to him. It sounds like this is coming from jealousy with the perfect parent comment. That kind of behaviour is not going to be healthy for your children or help with co-parenting.

Are you upset that he's in with his dad, or upset that it's his dad he wants and not you? Dad will be the one moving out and DS is probably scared dad won't have much contact once he moves out. If you actively try to stop him sleeping in with him it'll just upset him more.

Also, when my parents got divorced I was 12 and had to sleep in with my mum and my Dbro 15 on a camp bed in the same room for few weeks whilst we stayed at my grandparents. Nobody died!

Check yourself OP. It's a horrible thing to say this is making you uncomfortable unless you think your ex is unsafe around his child. I'd imagine you're stressed and hurting but take care - your ex and your child are going through this too.

Your little boy is desperately sad that his parents no longer love each other. He probably feels worried and scared that he won’t see his dad much any more. He’s seeking to be close to his dad who he loves and adores. He may even be feeling really sorry for his dad that he’s no longer loved by you, and feeling that he has to provide more love for him, to make up for it.

Let him be. And be prepared for him to act out and be hugely challenging when your husband moves out - prepare to help him through what will be the most terrible thing he has ever experienced, with kindness and empathy. This isn’t his fault.

Unless there is information you’re not revealing… YABVU. Your boy’s world is about to be turned upside down. I remember when I was about that age and my best friend’s parents split up. I remember being so worried about how I’d ever cope if that happened to my parents. He obviously finds it a comfort at this uncertain time. Let him be.

My friend's 11 year old daughter slept in her bed for around a year after her father left. It's comforting for your son to sleep next to his dad, it's probably devastating him that his parents are separating. Let it be.

I would say he can sleep where he wants tbh, unless you have genuine concerns that he might come to harm?

After my ex left my 11 year old moved into my room. After a year ish he moved back into his room.
My theory is that intrusive thoughts happened more at night and knowing that I wasn’t going to leave him, made him feel better. It was an age where he couldn’t really vocalize things hence the theorising.

My daughter slept with me after her dad moved out. She still does occasionally and she's 14. The only thing untoward that happens is that she kicks me all night. 😒

Her family was falling apart and she needed to be with me. I think your son is old enough to decide if he's comfortable with it or not.

Try to remember how utterly terrifying and sad this os for your ds.
I often read Mumsnetters and in irl people massively minimise the trauma for dc of separation.

You sound very jealous.

Your DS's world has imploded and he's anxious and sad.
He needs to feel safe and secure so sleeps next to his DF
Surely you want your son to cope with. a traumatic situation in whatever way helps him?
When my exh left I had at least one of mine in bed with me for a while.
It's not hard to understand

i don’t see anything wrong with this.

my 12 yr old DD sometimes comes into my bed

This

Well thank you this is all very helpful. Looking more deeply yes I probably am jealous, the “perfect parent” comment came from the fact that my husband is a narcissistic horror (not formally diagnosed but there have been ongoing patterns of narcissistic behaviour and coercive control over the years) and the kids have been pretty scared of him and his temper. Yes it does piss me off that my kids are rejecting me and clinging to him because he’s been pretty awful to them up until the divorce kicked off. He’s incredibly manipulative and lazy and that is probably at the root of all this for me. I am trying very hard to be cool about it in front of the kids and I think we are doing a decent job but yes the reality is that their parents are splitting and that must be incredibly traumatic for them. I have no concerns that anything inappropriate is happening so I will reframe this as best I can.