Mum doesn’t want baby to go nursery

[HelloVeraPlant]

I’m very lucky that I have family support. My baby is nearly 1, I have to go back to work and my partner is undergoing a major surgery in another city - and is staying with his family, so my family has stepped in with childcare. I work 3 days now, so I’ve put my baby in nursery as partner will be recovering for over a month.

My mum says that she doesn’t like the fact I’ve put the baby in nursery and that she will do the childcare. She has been super helpful! But when I work from home, and she is baby sitting - she will rush me, and only looks after the baby whilst I’m on calls without realising that I need the day to get the actual work done - which is one of the reasons I decided to put the baby in nursery.

I think she is being unreasonable. I get nursery isn’t ideal - and annoyingly baby caught a cold on the first week so it hasn’t helped my case. But at the same time relying on my mum means my production is low and I’m not getting much work done.

And yes, I could completely ignore her - but I’m staying there for a while whilst partner undergoes surgery and our flat has had other issues that makes staying with parents easier.

Who is unreasonable here - I almost feel bad for putting the baby in nursery so young but I’ve paid and his place is secured. But we really need the income as this year hasn’t been kind to us.

Your mom doesn't make those decisions for your baby, you do.

Given the fact that she rushes you now while you're trying to work from home, your job could be on the line if she continues as childcare. Some people just don't get or don't want to get that working from home is still working and you are on your employer's clock. She's going to have to suck it up. Maybe get her something nice or take her to lunch as a thanks for her support.

I think you made the best decision for your situation and I hope your partner recovers well.

Could your mum take the baby back to her place, or out for the day?

Unless you go to the office or a xo workimg space for the full time so you can work for the period. That would be one solution.
The other is put baby in nursery.

I would go ahead with nursery to be honest op. You could always look at reducing the days your child is in when you see how things go and your dh is back and recovered. I think your mum is well intentioned but realistically you also need to be able to hold down your job and it'll be very stressful if you're trying to juggle both and things start building up. I also live with my parents at the moment and they do childcare for me twice a week and ds is in nursery the rest of the days I'm in work but as you say, when I have had to do things from home and ds was there he's not settled for them, been looking for me and I've felt like I've done a half job at everything. Ds absolutely loves nursery, I'm very hands on with him but his speech and abilities have come on leaps and bounds. The first few months were brutal with illnesses but now he's been going a year and a half and he's sick nowhere near as often. Plus I'd personally rather he was sick like this now than when starting school so I'm telling myself I'm paying it forward in that respect. For me the main difference is in ds confidence though- before he never wanted to leave me, was hard to settle with anyone and if we were in the park he was very shy whereas now he will talk to anyone and has really become a little social butterfly. So while it's not ideal, it's also not the worst thing in the world.

Have you told your mum that your working hours are from X to Y, and she needs to be fully in charge of the baby and not to interrupt you at all for the entire duration of your workday?

That you are expected to be at your desk and fully engaged in work every minute of your workday apart from allowed loo breaks, and not dealing with the baby or housework or conversing with DM during the hours you are being paid to work?

My Mum is anti nursery too. I don’t think they always realise how great some of the nurseries are.

Can you find somewhere else to work? Or ask Mum to have the baby at her house? Or book somewhere for them to go for a big chunk of the day like soft play, farm trip etc?

Honestly ignore the others trying to find an alternative .

if you want to be kind just say you find it really difficult to concentrate with the baby in the house ..

I would also as pp said the benefits of nursery . Tell her with everything going on some normality is what you all need .

it sounds like she really wants to help just isn’t

Stick with the nursery.
Your mum doesn't actually want to childmind properly, hence the not letting your work. She's just judging you for working at all by the sound of it and needing childcare. Because bills pay themselves. Not.

Thanks for the replies. My mum is a complicated character and whilst we are amiable, we have a strange relationship for various reasons. She can be very set in her ways.

I’ve explained everything to her. I’ve told her, but in the moment, if I’m working from home she will come to me for a ‘break’. And she doesn’t seem to get the concept of working from home. She also works in the afternoon so I have to be back by a certain time and nursery allows me to do my hours. She also has stuff to do during the day sometimes so I feel it’s unfair for her to take on all the childcare when nursery is an option.

Either way, she is aware - but has a passive way of pushing her opinion. She’s spent the whole week quizzing me about the nursery and checking to see if it’s a good idea - her tone indirectly indicates she doesn’t think it’s a good idea (example, constantly asking “do you think he is big enough for nursery” or “I don’t really like nurseries”).

I’ll just have to be firm.

Even if she was able to step up a bit more, it can be very hard to get work done with a kid in the house. Also, little kids get upset when they know mum is there and they can't go to her. It sounds as if nursery is better all around.

Then you have to stick with the nursery. It'll be great for the baby, socialising with little people.

3 nursery, 2 DGM.

How old is your baby?
I would use a nursery as it sounds like there’s too many strings attached with this set up.
You can’t focus if she keeps coming to you for a break. I get it’s tiring but that’s what she signed up for and it’s hard enforcing that when you are in the same house.
I would try and work elsewhere for short bursts so you can get the focus.

Who’s baby is it?? It’s your decision who cares for the child, not your mums.
Mine went 3 days at week, one from 8 months and one from 10 months as I returned to work. No long term effects and, yeah they get ill but it build a good immune system as they are rarely ill now.

Nursery under 3 is not ideal for the child , so if you have the option...

We opted for a mix. Half day nursery and then grandparent picked up after lunch and had a few hours of the afternoon. As this meant leaving the house to pick grandchild up the grandparent then usually took her to the park or library and didn’t get back until 3/4pm.
Could you try and sell it to the granny as much needed socialisation time and look at the half way option to protect your working hours a bit more?

Your child, your choice.

Your mum WANTS to look after your child (as it suits her).

You NEED to send DC to nursery to facilitate your demanding job and your husband's health.

Here are good reasons for sending a child to nursery - there will be others you can add to your responses as to why you've chosen to do it.

Also it might be an idea to stop referring to your DC as 'the baby' - suggests she's being seen as younger than she is, not yet ready to go. Name, our daughter etc.

https://littleacornsnursery.org.uk/i-have-time-to-care-for-them-myself-why-should-i-send-my-child-to-nursery/

Personally, I wouldn't put a baby in nursery when they could be looked after by a helpful close relative right there where you are. You just need to reiterate to your mum your expectations and remind her that she needs to properly care for baby as you are working.

Can't believe people on here are talking about a baby this young needing to socialise 🙄 Studies show that babies and young toddlers are best with their family, and socialisation isn't needed until later.

Nursery being needed for socialisation is a myth that people spout out to make themselves feel better about using nurseries, I know my view won't be popular, but socialisation is banded about so much, I'm a home educator, so I hear it a lot!!

@Totototo dreadful advice, and a NICU consultant should know better

On what reason are you basing this?

I agree. Babies this age do far better being looked after by a carer who loves them. The social stuff doesn’t come for another couple of years. There’s a bizarre love of nurseries on MN. I think people aren’t confident in their own ability to look after a baby, and assume it’s best done by a teenager who has 2 other babies to look after, but who knows how to tick EYFS boxes.

Yup. You need to keep that boundary strong. Even when she is quizzing you on the nursery to see if it is good enough, I would shut it all down. You know what is best for your child and have made that decision. She doesn’t need to know the ins and outs, she doesn’t have to like nurseries.

“I don’t like nurseries”
”What a good thing that it is DS who is attending then!”

One year olds don’t need to prepare for school

Be is 1.

Now DS is sick and has caught a virus. It was so bad we had to go and emergency care. So the nursery won’t have him anyway as he has been throwing up and conditions go against their sickness policy - and I think it’s cruel to send a baby to Nursery when they are this sick.

My mum is very happy to take on the childcare, and is thriving off the fact that she can take care of the baby whilst he is recovering. Again, I am super grateful for this, however, her snarky comments about Nursery’s have being so annoying on the journey back home from the hospital.

Outside of this, I’ve explained to her that my hours clash with her hours, she’s replied back asking if I can ask my work to change my working hours.

I’ve explained why it would be difficult if I do.

My mum has always worked part time and inflexible manual work, so there’s also a massive misunderstanding of how office dynamics work. However, that is no excuse.

Either way when the baby is better, I will take him back to nursery, I guess my current frustration is having to listen to the many reasons why I’ve made a bad choice by sending the baby to Nursery.

Of course, Nursery has its benefits, and so does staying with family. I’ve seen the benefits of DS being at nursery, he is very clingy, and always sleeps on me – and being in Nursery means he’s done those 2 less.

Which I guess is better for me, as it means naptimes are longer – so from a selfish point of view, there are other benefits.

It would not be a good idea to change your working hours to suit your mum when you have a childcare place already. What would happen if she asked you again and then again? My place only allows requests once per 12 month period.

can’t you work from the nearest library? or arrange for activities for her and child that they can go to during the day?