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Original poster

Please give my head a wobble-secondary infertility

40 replies

feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 09:47

Long story short we have one wonderful DC and have been trying for another for more than 3 years. Decided against IVF as complications for me are likely plus it's too expensive (we have been incredibly lucky to have one DC naturally!), problem is mainly male infertility. I always said one child would be great and every further one a bonus but I seem to have completely lost all perspective and think about nothing else- I could cry when I see siblings play, when someone announces a new pregnancy- I have tried 2 different therapists but nothing helped and am seriously considering antidepressants now as I feel so hopeless, and that the best days are behind me, and so sad that I will never get to be pregnant/ have a baby again. We have such a lovely life and all I can think of is why did it not work out with a second child- I want to be grateful for what I have but I keep ruminating and going round in circles. I'm 37 now so it's probably not going to happen now and I am starting to worry about complications- please can you give me some sort of perspective and tell me that I should be happy for what I have?

OP posts:
Groves1997 · 28/02/2025 09:49

Believe me I know many people get pregnant naturally YEARS after 37 ❤️

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 28/02/2025 09:50

That's really hard OP. Doesn't really matter how many people tell you you're lucky/ve grateful for what you have etc, you feel how you feel and that is valid. My friend in this situation actually went back to birth control to remove the slight possibility as they found it helpful not to have that slight up and big down of hope every month, and then could deal with acceptance and grief to move forward.

JoeySchoolOfActing · 28/02/2025 09:52

Totally normal to feel as you are feeling now, try not to beat yourself up. Keep trying with the therapy, you will get through this. Meds may also help, talk to your GP.
You obviously appreciate what you already have but it is ok to feel real sadness about secondary infertility.
I wish you well

summersingsinme · 28/02/2025 09:54

The thing is, you clearly are happy with and grateful for what you have. You were just hoping for something slightly different, and somewhere along the line, that hope has bloomed into something that is now causing you pain, because what you want may not be attainable. I think you need to deal with that pain and perhaps some outside help in the form of therapy might be a good place to start.

ScentOfAMoomin · 28/02/2025 09:57

I had secondary infertility after the birth of DC1 and a subsequent miscarriage. We tried for 18 months, which I know isn’t long in the scheme of things, but was heartbreaking.

what worked for us was making a conscious decision not to have sex in my supposed fertile period, to actually ignore that time and go back to having sex for fun in other weeks.

low and behold, along came DC2 within a month of trying that!

BattIestar · 28/02/2025 09:58

I got pg finally with my second at 40. No cause of the secondary infertility was found. I was desperate for a sibling for my first (and obviously a second child for myself). We were saving for IVF when I managed to get pg on my second round of clomid (actually did get pg on the first round but lost that one). 37 is not too old, imo - if you can bear the heartache every month, I'd keep trying. I had told myself 40 was my cut off, and we'd have managed one round of IVF if it hadn't happened by the xmas of my 40th year.
For those years it wasn't happening though, i was exactly the same as you - I didn't see a therapist, but I am sure I had depression. I can relate.
If you do only have the one, there are so many pros to having an only.

Edited for typo

Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:01

Thank you all. It's pretty severe male infertility for which we have tried many things like acupuncture, and also lots of expensive supplements. The thing is I am imagining other people judging me for just having one, and for my child to miss out- we are also looking at getting a pet- and I feel I have to arrange constant playdates to make up- though funnily enough me and my sister are 9 years apart and I personally never missed anything at all, which makes me think that I am totally blowing it out of proportion!

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 28/02/2025 10:01

So does your dp have a low sperm count? It’s not clear

Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:03

Quitelikeit · 28/02/2025 10:01

So does your dp have a low sperm count? It’s not clear

Yes- low motility, morphology, and count. It was already low when trying for our second but has gone worse over the years. I stupidly thought that surely if we have one, another would follow eventually- never realised how many people struggle with secondary infertility and feel really silly now. In addition I have always had an extremely unreliable cycle but no cause was ever found and believe me I had all the tests you can have- and I also have a prolactinoma which is why IVF is dangerous

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:07

BattIestar · 28/02/2025 09:58

I got pg finally with my second at 40. No cause of the secondary infertility was found. I was desperate for a sibling for my first (and obviously a second child for myself). We were saving for IVF when I managed to get pg on my second round of clomid (actually did get pg on the first round but lost that one). 37 is not too old, imo - if you can bear the heartache every month, I'd keep trying. I had told myself 40 was my cut off, and we'd have managed one round of IVF if it hadn't happened by the xmas of my 40th year.
For those years it wasn't happening though, i was exactly the same as you - I didn't see a therapist, but I am sure I had depression. I can relate.
If you do only have the one, there are so many pros to having an only.

Edited for typo

Edited

Aww congratulations! How long did you try for a second if I may ask? Yeah I think I will just keep trying with the slight glimmer of hope each month!

OP posts:
BattIestar · 28/02/2025 10:07

I wouldn't swop having my two for one, obviously, now the second is here, But truly, I can see huge advantages of just having the one, and I know many One and Dones and the child is absolutely thriving. My three closest local friends all have one (all boys, weirdly!), and each child has the best of adventures and schooling and travel and afterschool clubs. I have to juggle mine, and there are many compromises to be made.

My advice as it is your DPs sperm that is the main issue, is to keep trying, but not focus on it. You've done all the right things, and it's in the hands of fate.

BattIestar · 28/02/2025 10:12

feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:07

Aww congratulations! How long did you try for a second if I may ask? Yeah I think I will just keep trying with the slight glimmer of hope each month!

Show quote history

Thank you. I tried pretty much immediately after dc1, as I was already 36 by then. I have a four and three quarters years age gap between them. As I said, I did have a miscarriage just before I got pg with dc2, and that would have given me an age gap of 4y4m. It was truly demoralising seeing everyone have two kids in quick succession, but I had gotten to the stage just before we did finally get pg of thinking, I am lucky to have my one, and if this is it, so be it. It feels like a miracle that I got my second without IVF, as that was the path we were on, and had just needed a couple of months of saving to have afforded it, then it happened. ExH also didn't have the best swimmers, but they had said he was not low enough for it to be flagged as a major issue, so deemed us unexplained secondary fertility.

Best of luck x

Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:16

BattIestar · 28/02/2025 10:07

I wouldn't swop having my two for one, obviously, now the second is here, But truly, I can see huge advantages of just having the one, and I know many One and Dones and the child is absolutely thriving. My three closest local friends all have one (all boys, weirdly!), and each child has the best of adventures and schooling and travel and afterschool clubs. I have to juggle mine, and there are many compromises to be made.

My advice as it is your DPs sperm that is the main issue, is to keep trying, but not focus on it. You've done all the right things, and it's in the hands of fate.

Thank you so much for your kind and honest words. This is it- my child is wonderful, kind and clever, we get to travel a lot and all is good, so I think this feeds into me feeling ashamed of feeling not grateful enough. I really like how you say it is up to fate- I think that's so true! I should just let things run it's course!

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 28/02/2025 10:20

Is a sperm donor out of the question with IUI?

Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:25

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 28/02/2025 10:20

Is a sperm donor out of the question with IUI?

That's not something I would consider and neither would my husband (no offence to anyone who does obviously, nothing wrong with this!)

OP posts:
Waterlilysunset · 28/02/2025 10:27

Would you consider sperm doner. You could find one similar to your husband and never have to publicly tell everyone

Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:27

Waterlilysunset · 28/02/2025 10:27

Would you consider sperm doner. You could find one similar to your husband and never have to publicly tell everyone

Nope, not for me sorry!

OP posts:
Waterlilysunset · 28/02/2025 10:28

feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:27

Nope, not for me sorry!

Show quote history

Ah well if his sperm isn’t good and you won’t think about the alternative I don’t know what you are hoping for?
if it were me and my eggs weren’t good and I wanted a baby I would say yes to doner eggs in a heartbeat

Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:31

Waterlilysunset · 28/02/2025 10:28

Ah well if his sperm isn’t good and you won’t think about the alternative I don’t know what you are hoping for?
if it were me and my eggs weren’t good and I wanted a baby I would say yes to doner eggs in a heartbeat

Show quote history

With the greatest of respect but this thread is not about using donor sperm whatsoever. I was explaining that I am feeling down and sad and for people to give perspective. I would either want a full sibling or none at all- again no disrespect to anyone doing otherwise but that's just not for me and this thread is not about this

OP posts:
Coloursofthewind2 · 28/02/2025 10:34

I also have one child. I won't tell you not to be sad, whatever you feel is valid.

What I will say is that children grow up so fast and if you spend your child's early years obsessed with wanting another baby then you run the risk of missing out on the joy of the one you already have.x

BattIestar · 28/02/2025 10:36

feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:16

Thank you so much for your kind and honest words. This is it- my child is wonderful, kind and clever, we get to travel a lot and all is good, so I think this feeds into me feeling ashamed of feeling not grateful enough. I really like how you say it is up to fate- I think that's so true! I should just let things run it's course!

Show quote history

You are welcome. Of the three onlies I know, they really are all perfectly happy, and living great adventures.

Original poster
feelingabitmeh1 · 28/02/2025 10:37

Coloursofthewind2 · 28/02/2025 10:34

I also have one child. I won't tell you not to be sad, whatever you feel is valid.

What I will say is that children grow up so fast and if you spend your child's early years obsessed with wanting another baby then you run the risk of missing out on the joy of the one you already have.x

So very true. Thank you for your kind words!

OP posts:
Sunnysideup4eva · 28/02/2025 10:38

Waterlilysunset · 28/02/2025 10:28

Ah well if his sperm isn’t good and you won’t think about the alternative I don’t know what you are hoping for?
if it were me and my eggs weren’t good and I wanted a baby I would say yes to doner eggs in a heartbeat

Show quote history

Theres a big difference if you haven't had a baby at all and considering using donor, and having already had one child who is 100% biologically yours and considering donor sperm for a second. Loads of people would really struggle to see that second child in the same light as the first no matter how much wanted it is, it's human nature.

summersingsinme · 28/02/2025 10:40

I have an only child and she loves being the sole focus of our devotion! Honestly, siblings are not all they are cracked up to be sometimes and I know far more people with brother and sisters who wish they were an only child than the other way round. It doesn't take away from your sadness I know, but please don't let it add to it.

MarrySlapDivorce · 28/02/2025 10:43

I am 36 and have one daughter in secondary school. I was judged for havinv an only but people don't know the real reason is my dh. I didn't want ivf for side effects and costs. I do feel sad that I don't have another child but I just try to remember the positives. I think you just have to come to peace with your situation. I told myself: well what do you want to do? Ivf? Break up and try to find another man and blend families? It was no for both so I just replay the positives of my only child and then remember that its more important to me to be a 2 parent family than multiple kids with different dads. An only child wasn't my dream family and certainly blending families isn't so I just accept reality because it's the best out of the other options. You jusy have to be firm and realistic with yourself.