Please give my head a wobble-secondary infertility

[feelingabitmeh1]

Long story short we have one wonderful DC and have been trying for another for more than 3 years. Decided against IVF as complications for me are likely plus it's too expensive (we have been incredibly lucky to have one DC naturally!), problem is mainly male infertility. I always said one child would be great and every further one a bonus but I seem to have completely lost all perspective and think about nothing else- I could cry when I see siblings play, when someone announces a new pregnancy- I have tried 2 different therapists but nothing helped and am seriously considering antidepressants now as I feel so hopeless, and that the best days are behind me, and so sad that I will never get to be pregnant/ have a baby again. We have such a lovely life and all I can think of is why did it not work out with a second child- I want to be grateful for what I have but I keep ruminating and going round in circles. I'm 37 now so it's probably not going to happen now and I am starting to worry about complications- please can you give me some sort of perspective and tell me that I should be happy for what I have?

Thank you so much- you really put that so well, that's my thoughts exactly.

Thank you ever so much. I really like your practical take on it, and I feel the same- I love my DH so very much and would never want anyone else, so it would be crazy to throw all that away. We really are a very happy family. And I could not forgive myself if I did IVF and my health would go south!

OP I’m sorry to hear you are going through secondary infertility.

Some words of advice I can give you are you are in a position where there’s no worst case scenario. You have a beautiful DC, even if you cannot have a second.

That being said your feelings are really normal and you definitely don’t need to give your head a wobble. Going through infertility is such a hard journey and it’s natural seeing others with siblings and wishing you could have that. I remember feeling the exact same when I had losses before conceiving my DS. I was angry at the world and felt guilty about it.

37 is not too old and there is still hope though. I know woman who conceive naturally at 43-45 years old. Please don’t lose the hope at 37.

At the end of the day having an only child is not a bad thing. I promise you people judge no matter what. You have 2? You’re crazy and have to split your time. You have 1? You’re selfish. If you have 3 or more - people don’t even want to congratulate you on your pregnancy as they think you’re mental and having too many kids.

Wishing you ALL the best no matter what happens

Read the post properly.

Oh and I wanted to add if you made peace with having one child that’s also OK! Do what’s best for you ❤️

Would it be helpful to read about the advantages that only children have in life? There are quite a lot.

It would be actually! Can you recommend some further reading?

OP I will give you a bit of a different perspective as an only child myself.

I have one DC and we’re on the fence about having a second at all, simply because both me and DH are only children and we know the many, many benefits of that.

I will list some of the benefits as I feel MN is heavily skewed towards 2 DCs and I rarely see the positives of only children. All parents want what’s best for their children so hopefully if you read my comment it will make you feel a bit better that you will be giving your one DC a lovely life.

We are incredibly close to our parents which we haven’t really witnessed with our friends with siblings (obv people can still be close, just haven’t witnessed it being exactly like in our case). We spend all of our holidays together and it’s so cosy and fun, we all get along as I feel that our parents having only us meant they had time to really get to know us, to enjoy us as people more and both me and DH consider our parents part of our friends network. We share hobbies with them, we have great chats about literature, cinema etc. We help each other a lot without feeling guilty (I know my darling GM always made it a point to help all her DC equally but still one of her DILs was ungrateful which caused DM lots of pain), we get lots of solo time as a couple too because two sets of GP help out.

We’ve traveled loads with our parents which means we have a great love of the arts, culture etc. Our parents weren’t rich by any means but because of only having 1 they gave us opportunities that we definitely wouldn’t have had otherwise (for example I have two uni degrees, I’ve had the opportunity to explore lots of sports and hobbies, one of which became my career which fulfils me incredibly and two are still my main hobbies). My DH and I have a very special relationship which I owe partly to the fact that we don’t have siblings to rely on for that, and because of this we are each other’s number 1 person.

Of course there are many benefits to having siblings and I don’t want to take away from that but just wanted to give you a perspective from the possible future of your one DC. in

I never managed a successful second pregnancy, and was sad for such a long time as I would have loved another and a sibling for my child.

What I can say is that he is 8 now, we have a wonderful life as a trio, and whilst I get the occasional pang, I am at peace with it. I cannot actually imagine now what the dynamic would be like, and I really appreciate that we can travel and do things as a family that don't involve too much wrangling and compromise. He is a happy lively affectionate boy, who is also happy not to have to share us!

What helped for me to come to terms with it - but we're all different - was drawing a line under it and deciding to stop trying to get pregnant (I was probably 40 at this point). I mean actively using contraception again. The monthly am-I-pregnant-am-I-not was the hardest, cruelest part, and once I'd made an active choice to accept things as they were, I could begin to heal. But I appreciate that for some people the scrap of hope is the thing keeping them going. For me, it kept me in a state of limbo for a long time.

Hey Op,

You are in exactly the same position as me. But I am further down the line in my journey.

I got pregnant with DS pretty much straight after we married at 25. We started trying again 3 years later.

Turns out it also is a male fertility factor.

DS is now 14. We never had another, hopefully for you it's not the case. We even had ivf twice, which still failed.

However, as DS got older and more independent my feelings for a second child faded over time. It was all consuming in the beginning, it was a dark time.

I felt guilty about DS not having a sibling. DS himself says he wouldn't want a sibling now. He has lots of friends and family, he never feels lonely and has been able to travel/experience more (we could have not afforded this with a second child).

What i am trying to say, if you don't have a second child, you can come out of it the other side, and be happy.

There's a few here:

https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0033-2909.100.2.176

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/singletons/202308/why-only-children-often-go-to-the-head-of-the-class

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/09/only-children

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/20427201_The_well-being_of_only_children

Showing that only children are equal to first born children in most regards, but also have a few extra advantages.

It might also be helpful to consider how siblings often are as adults. I know a few who get on really well but more who find their adult siblings to be a source of stress. Only children as adults often cite the difficulties of being the only one to care for/ support their aging parents, but in families with more than one child, it often ends up being one sibling who takes on all this work anyway which breeds resentment.

Two books that really helped me were Fertile Thinking, about the mental side of infertility, and Parenting your only child which really helps dispel some of the myths around having one child. Having a Mirena coil.put in at 45 for HRT was an important turning point - I cried at the appointment but it helped both through drawing a line under trying and no longer getting periods to remind me that I wasn't pregnant.

This was wonderful to read. Thank you so much! It's lovely what a great relationship both you and your husband have with your parents. Wishing you all the very best.

We had secondary infertility for 18 months which isn't long I know but felt horrible and I was quite upset and stressed by everyone seemingly having another one. We finally found out that DH had terrible sperm all round and it was a shock we had ever concieved and we'd need ICSI.

Anyway, just as we were wondering what to do next- next cycle I got pregnant! Purely anecdotal I know but these things do happen. I would just keep living your life, DH makes lifestyle changes and lots of trying throughout the month. I know quite a few only children I've taught who've had siblings arrive when they are 6 or 7 or 8. 37 really isn't too old.

For different reasons we never managed to have a second. It took a while to come to terms with it and I do still get a little teary every now and again thinking of how life could have been different.

That said I do think focusing on the positives helps, for me those are; the time and resources we can give to DD are way beyond what we could have if there were 2, we both have time to fully explore our own interests without overburdening the other with caring responsibilities, DD is the only grandchild on my side of the family and gets the red carpet treatment at all times, DD is really good at making friends- she can enter any playground then come back 10 mins later having made a BFF for life which is not something DH ever did as we both have siblings we played with and neither of us are particularly comfortable in networking / business socialising scenarios now - i think this will be a huge advantage for her in her career, travelling is easier and cheaper.

The thing that made a big difference to me helping to move on was DH getting a vasectomy, prior to there was always the possibility that it might happen and it left me in limbo a bit. Him getting the snip properly drew a line under it and that really helped.

I reckon a third of the kids in her class are only children and in our NCT group only half went on the have any more (kids are 7 now) so certainly in my circles nobody bats an eyelid that we only have the 1.