How do I begin to change :(

[Hangingonthewall]

Sorry if this is in the wrong topic
I’m almost 30 and my self worth is so low. I was bullied as a child and it’s caused lifelong damage to my self esteem. I’ve always hated myself and the feeling never goes away, it’s so deep rooted. I’m in a fairly new relationship after being single for a few years and I feel even worse now because I don’t believe that someone could actually love me. I’m worried about ruining something special. Has anyone been through similar and come out the other side?

I’m in free therapy (cognitive behavioural) and i dont feel it’s working too well right now. I can’t afford anything more expensive right now

Have you tried church? Christian teachings are heavily about how we are all created as beautiful and unique individuals, like precious jewels.
If that isn't something you are interested in, totally fine. Just thought it mifhr be a way to get some free support to start to see yourself differently.

Whoops. Didn't spot this was aibu. I assume someone will come and tell me off for being a Christian and talking about it in public.

There are charities that can help with therapy.

personally I find talking therapy more useful for self esteem.

This isn’t what CBT was designed for so it won’t help in the way you want and need it to. Charities will offer a short term solution but are staffed by students volunteering and are very time limited sadly.

Forget therapy/counselling - it's superficial & nigh on impossible to find a great one. Google to find the most beautiful Catholic Church in your area & work out when they have Mass. Ideally find one where they have Traditional Latin Mass. I'm not Roman Catholic myself but many of us out there, including myself, find this to be the most authentic, soul nourishing, cleansing, encouraging & awesome experience that has you wanting going back for more, with a delightful community. Life changing.

Fuck me, the crazies are out tonight!
yes, forget talking g therapy, too slow, go straight to believing fairy stories about mythical beings…

Oo! Christian here and lovely to see our communities championed 🥰
However I would tread carefully. They’re/ we’re not always the most emotionally literate places and you could find yourself having your boundaries trampled on- with good intent, but not what you need right now.

OP, have you looked into EMDR therapy? It can help with traumatic experiences like bullying, and you don’t need a lot of sessions…some people have had very good results from it. The NHS will cover it if you have post traumatic stress from bullying: www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatment/

Oh bore off. Millions of people around the world get great strength from their faith.

Technically speaking, some CBT strategies can be helpful. But what might be more useful is compassion-focused therapy which you can absolutely start exploring independently. You can buy Paul Gilbert's workbook on Amazon. The important thing to remember is that therapy is an active process, the strategies won't work right away but they will work with practice.

Why be rude?

And also millions of people around the world, myself included, have been made to feel shit about themselves by people of faith. So it clearly isn't for everyone... much like CBT, I suppose.

I disagree. I've seen a few but the one I'm seeing now has helped me massively with ny self esteem and confidence

You sound like a lovely person & you deserve your happiness.

I would suggest a ‘fake it til you make it’ strategy. Google some positive memes and say them to yourself. Tell yourself that you’re worth it & eventually your brain will believe it. I know it sounds woo, but if you have low self-esteem because of things that were said, then you will be able to reprogram that by being told good things.

Why don’t you tell us some positive things about yourself? I can already see that you are thoughtful & caring about your relationship.

This is really good advice. And I once heard to get good self esteem do esteemable things. You’ve got at least one person who thinks you’re great. Lots of people here are rooting for you. You deserve to be happy (everyone does!) and more so for being proactive.

Have a look into charity's support groups on your area. Also maybe try counselling? Self help books? Mindfulness. Happiful.
Remember little small things u have achieved and write it down. Start writing a list of things u like/love/do well and make it your homework. I think self esteem is a million small things that help build it up.

Blimey, first sensible response, the god squad are out in force tonight 😞

What you need to do is like yourself OP. Maybe try writing a list of things that are good about you - not amazing or perfect, but good. Write some specific examples if you can think of them ie I am a kind person + and example, I am a good friend +plus an example, I am a hard worker, I am a good partner, i love animals etc etc - just a list of good things about yourself and an example that makes you smile to think of it. Then read them every day and remember those good things. Add to it as things happen or you think of other things you've done. Whenever you're having a loss of confidence think back to your list.

Look in the mirror and smile at yourself, appreciate your skin even if it isn't perfect, your hair even if it's crazy. Like your crooked smile or your big nose. Just appreciate what you look like and like yourself no matter how imperfect. Be kind to yourself, think of yourself as a child that deserved love and to be cared for and now as an adult that still deserves to to be loved and cared about. Then give yourself that love and care - don't look for validation to come from someone else, give it to yourself and let others add to it but not take it away.

Keep up these good thought about yourself and you will hopefully find yourself changing - Every time you think positively, you reinforce new neural pathways in your brain that eventually become automatic processes.

I've been working on my self esteem and it's made a big difference.

Basically, if you want to feel good about yourself you need to do things that will make you feel like a good person - and then make sure you reflect on those efforts daily.

For me that meant being less selfish, thinking of others, small acts of kindness, being honest, owning mistakes, apologising. Then things that were being kind to me eg good food, exercise, skin care etc. Also being brave and facing fears.

I would reflect each night and write down what had gone well, what I was grateful for and what opportunities I had missed to 'do the right thing' so that next time something similar came up, I made a better choice.

You sound quite ignorant tbh. There is a lot of comfort that some people derive from having a belief in a religion. If it does not work for you, fine, but to belittle other peoples religious beliefs is quite crass imo.

OP I have no idea what parallel universe I've entered here on this thread. Self esteem absolutely will be improved by counselling and I'm fairly certain religion has no place in improving self esteem. It's not an overnight fix but you should be able to get counselling on the NHS with a wait. You will 100% feel better for doing it. I've had it several times in my life and felt rejuvenated afterwards. I see no way that self esteem can be improved by religion. Most religions seem to exist to bash you into submission and from what I can see are used as a way of controlling people (particularly women). Please go for counselling and make it known that this is what you wish to focus on. I was bullied too at school and I've had to work hard to change the way I think about myself. I'm not saying I'm super confident now but I know who I am and I'm happy with myself. I wish you lots of luck OP.

I'm not at all religious but have some respect for people putting ideas forward.

PS - Wash your potty mouth out.

I would also say make time for self-care - like a bubble bath or painting your nails or going for a run. SHOW your body that it’s deserving of care & your mind will start believing it too.

Please speak to your therapist.

I am a free CBT therapist and if a treatment isn’t working for a patient, I want to know so I can offer you something different.

there are lots of different types of treatment - don’t give up!

I'm with you @Arrivals4lucky . The OP has asked for genuine help with a mental health issue. I'm pretty sure if she wanted to follow a religion she would already be doing it. It's just not helpful! And for what it's worth I like your potty mouth. Don't go changing. 🤣

There's a lot of reading you can do about the psychology of trauma and 'complex PTSD', both online and at the library.

I had a crappy childhood and although I have been lucky enough to have talking therapy I also did a lot of reading. You need to reprogram your mind to stop being so harsh on yourself which is the root of low self esteem and shame.

Understanding your triggers and why your body and mind reacts the way it does is very helpful. It makes it less personal, less a perceived 'failing' in yourself and more a reasonable response to what you experienced. You can gradually detach from those feelings of inadequacy and shame. It also helps to realise you are not alone in this.

Pete Walker is a good place to start.