How do I begin to change :(

[Hangingonthewall]

Sorry if this is in the wrong topic
I’m almost 30 and my self worth is so low. I was bullied as a child and it’s caused lifelong damage to my self esteem. I’ve always hated myself and the feeling never goes away, it’s so deep rooted. I’m in a fairly new relationship after being single for a few years and I feel even worse now because I don’t believe that someone could actually love me. I’m worried about ruining something special. Has anyone been through similar and come out the other side?

I’m in free therapy (cognitive behavioural) and i dont feel it’s working too well right now. I can’t afford anything more expensive right now

This sort of nonsense might work to distract yourself if you stubbed your toe or something but please don't use it as a technique to try and achieve meaningful change.

Psychotherapy is probably the best approach but it can take a long time, ie many, many months and probably years.
Maybe look into EMDR if you feel your trauma is rooted in a single event.

Shame but unsurprising to see people’s reaction at the suggestion that someone might go to church. Therapy for sure can work for people, but to suggest that religion ‘doesn’t work’ for people is just untrue. I know so many people personally whose lives have been transformed by their faith for the better. Many of those people went to therapy first and found it didn’t really do much for them! And the ‘controlling women’ narrative… never felt more freedom in my life being a Christian, being a woman.

But this is about OP - genuinely OP, I am so sorry to hear about how you are feeling. Therapy I’m sure would help such a lot to explore how you were made to feel and how much that’s affected you. You absolutely deserve to be loved. Church also does help an immense amount in terms of community, social and emotional support and the peace that comes through prayer and the teachings of Jesus. Even if you don’t explore the faith side of things, the community and support that can come with church is amazing.

And if you read the OP properly, you’d have seen that she can’t afford months & months of psychotherapy. Or any.

So maybe you’ve got some better suggestions on how you think she could achieve her goal without costing a fortune…..?

I'm really disappointed that the religious are using this as an opportunity to recruit vulnerable people. It's not on.

OP - it can be harmful for a relationship if you are struggling to accept the other person's love. It's extremely unlikely that you have ever done anything to make you unworthy of love and kindness. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else.

how about you TELL whoevers conduct the cbt what you just said-save you both fannying about?
try this https://alison.com/course/build-your-self-esteem
x

I really appreciate everyone taking time to reply and all of the advice, thank you. I don't mind the religious suggestions! My family are christians and I grew up going to church but apart from attending church once last year at a particularly low point I can't seem to make myself believe and do agree that my self esteem will come from within.

For the people who have mentioned CBT is the wrong form of therapy - I'm doing CBT for my social anxiety which is affecting me so much at work and in my daily life it's something I wanted to tackle first but it's becoming more apparent that the social anxiety is a direct consequence of my low self esteem. My therapist has suggested talk therapy once the CBT sessions are complete which I plan to do. I will look into the other forms of therapy that people mentioned and the resources too thank you

I got the opposite message from going to church. That we are all worthless sinners and to be grateful God loves us despite our inherent worthlessness.
It was a terrible message for someone already feeling shit about themselves.

it sounds like you have a plan OP.

If you are looking for practical things to do, then pp are right that finding something meaningful to do can help. Why not join a group where you are engaged in an activity ( so no need to talk if you don’t want to) but still involves being around other people. That sort of thing is low stress ( no pressure to socialize) but working along side others allows social interaction to happen naturally. Maybe something like conservation volunteering? Also allows you to feel good about yourself for doing something good.

And yes there are some people of so called faith who definitely have got it very wrong which is a total and utter travesty.

Jesus was killed by the religious leaders of his day, who got it completely wrong.....so all I can say is we don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater

Some churches are crap. Sorry.

I am trying to raise my self esteem too. I have tried therapy and CBT and they have helped to some extent.

But I think it comes down to this. If you have low esteem then for a long time your brain has been telling you - I can’t do this, I’m no good at this, this will go wrong.

This is an automatic thing and causes the brain neurons to fire and go down a well worn route. Recovery means each and every time you find yourself in this pattern, you have to stop yourself and tell yourself the opposite.

This can be exhausting and why they say therapy is hard work. The brains that fires together, wires together. It would be like if you had to think “breath” before every breath you take, it’s hard to keep it up.

I have found constantly reminding myself to question these automatic thoughts becoming more ingrained. I have also found finding mantras helpful.eg I want to be the main character in my own life etc. Sometimes it’s about thinking more about the person you WANT to be and acting like them. (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). One therapist advised standing and adopting a powerful pose when thinking this.

I think a big forward step for me was realising that although my childhood and marriage caused this, it was now my responsibility to own it and let go of blaming others.I had to stop giving power to them and take it for myself.

There also a thing called Locus of Control. You have to move from thinking that things happen to you, to thinking that you can make things happen.

There are many good suggestions above. Keep reading and learning, here and there you will find things that resonate with you. You have to change the way you think, before you can change your behaviour.

As I said it’s really hard work and slow going. I am thinking of trying EMDR next as I’ve heard good results.

This is really good advice and something I am learning in CBT - challenging my thought patterns but it’s so difficult isn’t it? sometimes I feel like it’s working but then I slip back into old patterns.

again thank you everyone so much for the advice it’s really helping to read everyone’s replies

I did schema therapy last year. It really helped me realise that the child I was wasn't faulty, I was just unheard and uncared for and how I was as an adult, using and having the same reactions that I'd learned to protect myself as that small child.

With time, I learned healthier responses and empathy towards that little Sheeit. I learned that I deserved good things, that I can have boundaries and I don't need to try and keep everyone happy.

I'm in a much, much better place now.

I think this is good news. If you can see your thought patterns and realise that they are indeed perceived thoughts and therefore not real then they don't have to be believed. As for going down rabbit holes with habitual behaviours, this needs to be seen as a good thing because every time you can catch them you heal and get stronger.
As for childhood it has to be realised that you dealt with this as only a child can, without the benefit of life experience.
However you're not a child anymore and those things that happened are just that something that happened, you're not guilty or responsible for others behaviour.
It was a lesson not a life sentence. You are now the adult that can love the child that was conditioned by others behaviour.
Every time you catch a thought and let it go count it as a victory and another small step on your path to Reality.

I did EMDR and it worked wonders. About six sessions, and all that interior negativity just…wasn’t there anymore? The rumination over past events…gone. I think it is definitely worth trying. It also can help you assimilate good thoughts about yourself too.

It often stems from lack of intelligence I find.

Did the EMDR work immediately? Or was it over the course of weeks/months that you noticed changes?