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AIBU?

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Original poster

No longer find my DH attractive

36 replies

Lalalandlucy · 27/02/2025 16:35

Thank god this is anonymous because I’d never admit this to any of our friends or family but I’m really struggling to find my DH attractive anymore. His done so much for me and our dd so I feel really guilty and disloyal. He allowed me to be a SAHM for many years and took care of us in every way. We’re so young (early 30s) but our sex life is non existent. I have a very high sex drive but with having a child and him being self employed and constantly having to work, there is no time for intimacy. Whenever he is in the mood he only wants to be pleasured and completely ignores my needs. Next, we recently went on holiday to Bali and this will sound funny but he was literally scared of all the wildlife. From lizards to ants, you name it, he would literally hide behind me and make me deal with them. The whole thing just put me off I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the lack of intimacy. His just been acting like a baby lately; waiting for me to do everything with our dd, if we are out of anything I have to replace it, the other day I came back home and the house was filthy and the bins smelt. He complained he had to work and could not take them out nor watch dd while I did, so I had to take her with me to do it. I arranged a dentist appointment for our dd and he had to take her but he guilt tripped me into believing he was behind on his work so I rescheduled it and instead he got a HAIRCUT the same time her appointment would have been. One of my biggest turn offs is he misses meals because he wants to eat chocolate and junk food all day. When I cook or get food, he complains I didn’t make him anything he likes or didn’t order anything he’d want. If I go to the shop and ask him if he wants anything, he will say no and then complain I didn’t get him anything and I don’t care about him!!! It’s driving me nuts. His being such a little man child. Admittedly when I was on holiday I would briefly stare at other guys which I never do and it’s just confused me. Am I losing feelings for him? Is this normal?

OP posts:
Dollydaydream100 · 27/02/2025 16:39

Well! I'm not surprised you have the Ick massively - I think most women would.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish, cowardly twerp.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 27/02/2025 16:40

You have the ick and he is taking you for granted because he thinks he doesn't have to try.

He won't improve, so it just depends how much of your youth you want to give this man.

When you are 80 years old, how many years will you look back on and be happy to have shared them with him?

He doesn't care about your feelings, your pleasure, about being a functioning adult...

How much do you value yourself?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2025 16:41

Your reaction to his behaviour sounds pretty normal and fair. His behaviour is neither. Has he changed or are you seeing him differently? It’s time for a serious state of the nation chat. You could write him a letter if it’s too hard to speak about it and you need him to hear you before interrupting. Try and use I statements: I feel sad about x y x, I wish we could x y z, when x y z happens I feel.

It sounds pretty bad but it’s not necessarily terminal if you can talk to him, listen to how he’s feeling, try and get to a better place between you. It depends a lot on what things have been like before, did he use to make an effort with sex and intimacy? Was he better at housework or has he always been a lazy slob? Is lying new or has he always been shifty and dishonest?

Sassybooklover · 27/02/2025 16:44

When you have young children, tired, working, chores and life in general, does get in the way of an intimate relationship. I know it's not particularly romantic, but could you schedule some time together? It does seem that your husband, is avoiding having to actually parent your child. He is half responsible for her, so therefore should be looking after her/doing things for her. Have you sat him down and told him that he needs to buck his ideas up?! Not all men are like this, my husband certainly isn't and never has been. You are human, might be married but not blind or dead, it's normal to look if you see an attractive man!

Adm1010 · 27/02/2025 16:51

It’s the ick and I don’t blame you !

only you know if you can come back from this . I guess the first question is do you want to ?

PoppyBaxter · 27/02/2025 16:55

You're having to parent him and it's turning you off sexually. I've been there and been honest with my husband in the past about it.
I think my husband is SO handsome, but if he makes me do all of the mental load and if I feel I have to be in charge of every single situation we find ourselves in, I get the ick.
We've been together 20 years and are in a good place now, but it takes constant work to prevent him slipping back into old habits. He's always very keen to change though, and horrified when I say things have slipped again. That doesn't make it OK, but we are making it work.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 27/02/2025 16:56

He sounds quite selfish, and maybe you are getting sick of it.

Also this bit - Whenever he is in the mood he only wants to be pleasured and completely ignores my needs.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't care about your pleasure? I would get the ick too.

Futb · 27/02/2025 16:57

Whoever invented the term “The ick” nailed it. This is the exact scenario where we lose respect, which I suppose is the other term but ‘the ick’ is quick and easy.

Hiding behind you because he was scared of the wildlife! No wonder you got the ick 😂

JemimaFlubberCluck · 27/02/2025 17:02

Sit him down and tell him how you feel. His behaviour is killing your feelings for him. How receptive he is to that and whether he’s willing to work on it with you will tell you what you need to do next.

Original poster
Lalalandlucy · 27/02/2025 17:06

Adm1010 · 27/02/2025 16:51

It’s the ick and I don’t blame you !

only you know if you can come back from this . I guess the first question is do you want to ?

That’s the question I keep asking myself. I think I owe it to my dd and to him after all his done for us to try working this out but something is telling me I could be happier elsewhere. Maybe the grass isn’t greener though

OP posts:
Loubylie · 27/02/2025 17:11

Dollydaydream100 · 27/02/2025 16:39

Well! I'm not surprised you have the Ick massively - I think most women would.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish, cowardly twerp.

Agree with this. And have made a mental note to bring twerp into my active vocab.

OuterSpaceCadet · 27/02/2025 17:45

I didn't think you should feel guilty about your feelings at all.

Have you ever had proper sex with him, where it's mutual and you both care about each other's pleasure?

Has he really done lots of great things for you? I find it hard to imagine a truly great man who would be happy to have sex at you, instead of with you. How can he be so ignorant or dismissive of female sexuality?

TheAmusedQuail · 27/02/2025 17:50

Men don't seem to understand what gives women the ick. Acting like children is deeply, deeply unsexy. Being dirty. Not caring for the child that is 50% theirs. Leaving women to act as a mommy/maid. Sexually selfish.

TELL HIM why you feel this way (maybe not the insects thing - people can't help that - the rest is fair enough).

Ultimately, the maternal instinct is a turn off when it's needed to be used for a man.

loropianalover · 27/02/2025 17:53

You’re too young to resign yourself to this for the rest of your life.

However, I would speak to him seriously and maybe try counselling before just deciding you should divorce. Explain to him what’s turning you off, if he can’t be receptive or can’t work on anything, I would leave.

coxesorangepippin · 27/02/2025 17:54

You're having to parent him and it's turning you off sexually.

^

This. Absolutely wrecks it

Pootlemcsmootle · 27/02/2025 17:54

It does sound grim OP.

I think it's time for a very serious conversation so he understands your marriage is in trouble and needs work
Counselling?

Or do you in your heart of hearts know that feeling will never come back?

DazedDragon · 27/02/2025 17:55

Are you still a SAHM or now working?

If you're a SAHM then yabu to expect him to take your child to appointments as that should be your job.

But the rest of it would give me the ick!

I am not attracted to my DH either. His constant phone and TV use is so dull and a turn off.

Crushed23 · 27/02/2025 18:42

An ex was scared of squirrels and it gave me the biggest ick.

Another ex was just not very manly or worldly, a proper man-child, I felt like I was mothering him... again, gave me a massive ick and killed my sex drive.

I'm afraid IME there is no going back from the ick. However, how you were ever able to 'get it up' for a man who didn't care about your pleasure is baffling - that alone would put me off completely, man-child or no man-child.

IainTorontoNSW · 28/02/2025 05:31

@Lalalandlucy Please!

There is always time for intimacy somewhere in a day or, at least, once every couple of days if both partners want one another's company.

5 minutes, 12 minutes, 17 minutes, 31 minutes ... you'll find time if you really want to.

Mind you ... the word picture you paint of your selfish man-child is quite uninspiring.

TheAmusedQuail · 28/02/2025 05:53

@IainTorontoNSW When a woman becomes a mommy/maid to a man, the sexual attraction switches off. The maternal instinct and sexual attraction are incompatible, I suspect for biological reasons. So men that treat their partner as a maid are themselves switching their partner's attraction to them off.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 28/02/2025 06:02

He’s selfish and that’s not attractive.

TheaBrandt1 · 28/02/2025 06:03

God that’s bad. Just no. As you have a child and are marriage you need to give him a chance to change by telling him this. But if he doesn’t well you can’t go on like this. Best to end it while you’re still young.

We were on a safari holiday years ago and a monkey attacked us and another couple on the way to dinner. Instinctively the 3 of us backed behind Dh who took it on. Was secretly proud! Not sure what the other woman felt about her boyfriend!

May229 · 28/02/2025 06:08

You are just too tired and he wants to rely on you, so he leaves everything to you. Maybe you can talk to him and tell him that you don't like him doing this.

TubTubTub · 28/02/2025 06:23

I don’t think it’s unusual after a few years of marriage and kids for things to be boring. I feel a little of the same in my marriage but I’m sticking around because I don’t think the grass is greener. I wonder if women naturally take a strong, dynamic role in a partnership and even more so when kids come along, and this is rarely acknowledged, but so many women are like this.

TealSapphire · 28/02/2025 06:27

How old is your child?