No longer find my DH attractive

[Lalalandlucy]

Thank god this is anonymous because I’d never admit this to any of our friends or family but I’m really struggling to find my DH attractive anymore. His done so much for me and our dd so I feel really guilty and disloyal. He allowed me to be a SAHM for many years and took care of us in every way. We’re so young (early 30s) but our sex life is non existent. I have a very high sex drive but with having a child and him being self employed and constantly having to work, there is no time for intimacy. Whenever he is in the mood he only wants to be pleasured and completely ignores my needs. Next, we recently went on holiday to Bali and this will sound funny but he was literally scared of all the wildlife. From lizards to ants, you name it, he would literally hide behind me and make me deal with them. The whole thing just put me off I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the lack of intimacy. His just been acting like a baby lately; waiting for me to do everything with our dd, if we are out of anything I have to replace it, the other day I came back home and the house was filthy and the bins smelt. He complained he had to work and could not take them out nor watch dd while I did, so I had to take her with me to do it. I arranged a dentist appointment for our dd and he had to take her but he guilt tripped me into believing he was behind on his work so I rescheduled it and instead he got a HAIRCUT the same time her appointment would have been. One of my biggest turn offs is he misses meals because he wants to eat chocolate and junk food all day. When I cook or get food, he complains I didn’t make him anything he likes or didn’t order anything he’d want. If I go to the shop and ask him if he wants anything, he will say no and then complain I didn’t get him anything and I don’t care about him!!! It’s driving me nuts. His being such a little man child. Admittedly when I was on holiday I would briefly stare at other guys which I never do and it’s just confused me. Am I losing feelings for him? Is this normal?

He treats you like his mother and prioritises his needs over your child's. None of tgat is attractive.

You can tell him to grow up and pull his weight. You can make sure you're not covering for him and push him to take responsibility. Maybe if he starts to grow up things will shift.

You have no respect for your child's father who has bank rolled your lifestyle. I suspect he knows how you feel. You should get a job and then leave. However you will have to put the bins ourself.

How old is your child?

There are several things here, you do have time for intimacy you just don’t want to prioritise it. And that goes both ways. With one child and limited additional responsibilities it shouldn’t be hard to find time.

It sounds like neither of you fully understand or agree what the sahm set up is for you.
Shouldn’t it be your job to do the bin or the dentist if he was working during this time?
The reality is a sahm role needs to be managed like a job, be clear about the duties and responsibilities so neither of you feel bitterness.

It’s possible his attraction has also dwindled because he sees a different side to you just at home in a traditional role every day rather than the pre kids version of you who was a go getter, out working, prioritising herself etc.

I personally think you can’t throw away a marriage with kids without actually trying. It doesn’t seem like you’ve communicated this to your DH. You need to have a conversation around intimacy and the closeness in your relationship and agree together you will come up with a plan to move forward.

hey, I think if you are a SAHM, it’s a fair expectation that you’ll deal with everything at home incl life admin and chores.

other than that, not putting in any effort into the relationship is shit behaviour. When you order food or cook, don’t you check with him ? Do you just expect him to eat whatever is there?

Why don’t you get back to work so he gets a break, and see if things change?

Women do this when men don't step up to the responsibility of parenthood and adult responsibility. Someone has to.

Just seen your child is school aged, why did you have to take her to bring the bins out?

Honestly I think age is a key factor here. Women don’t want to feel like a slave doing every single domestic chore at home, but at the same time if you don’t want to work and are happy to have your husband do all the work to generate income then it’s just part of the deal. Keeping an eye on when food or household items are out should largely fall to you.

You have the ick because you are parenting him. You need to tell him how you feel or you get back to work if you aren't and start building plans to split. I could not be with a lazy child like him, they add absolutely nothing to your life apart from sustaining the bills. And I am sure you are quite capable of doing that too.

I could never be with someone who lays backs and expects to be pleasured without a thought in return. You are not a sex robot. Ick ick ick

Just be honest with him how you’re feeling. The only wanting pleasure for his self. The acting like a child is turning you off.

You should seek some therapy and talk openly to your husband about the issues. And ask him if he has any issues. He behaves like that not from the happy life I would say. You guys need some work. Don’t give up on marriage easily. Discuss it, and work on it. Things can change.

Whom OP has happily accepted paying for everything?