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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it menopause or motherhood that has turned me into somebody I don’t recognise and am not sure I like?

32 replies

Mytaytopowers · 27/02/2025 12:44

I had my first baby late (age 40.) I loved him, very much, but didn’t love being a mum, though it pains me to say so. Even so, went on to have a second a few weeks shy of my 43rd birthday.

I am now 44; my children are 19 months and four, and while there is this nice part of me still who I hope my children mostly see I am often irritable, snappy, quick to anger (often over nothing) impatient and sad.

My youngest is at a really difficult age and I know she’s not doing anything out of the realms of totally normal but it’s still frustrating and I had to step out of the room at a group we were at the other day as I was being pushed to my absolute limit and I could feel myself about to blow. The thing is I thought I was mostly okay but it seems to have ramped up lately. Today I’ve really been struggling with them both - my four year old is lovely but just never stops talking and the toddler is also lovely, but, well, a toddler. And i have no idea why I get so stressed out over not sitting in the pushchair and stupid stuff like that.

Help!

OP posts:
LunaLove1 · 27/02/2025 12:47

It’s probably a mix of both.
Do you get much of a break from being mum?

ThatMerryReader · 27/02/2025 12:47

It is both OP.

Original poster
Mytaytopowers · 27/02/2025 12:48

Just when I’m at work (three days a week) but that’s obviously not really a break. I know I’m shattered at the moment as we’re looking after some cats which I thought would be easy but they keep waking me up at stupid o clock so that won’t be helping.

OP posts:
Alalalala · 27/02/2025 12:59

Broken sleep will be making it much worse so I hope those cats head home soon!

Maybe chat to the GP about HRT. It’s symptom led now so don’t be fobbed off with hormone level tests in terms of whether you’re prescribed or not.

Motherhood is very tough, especially when they’re as little as yours are now. Sounds like you need a break - can you take a day off when they’re at nursery (or where they go when you’re at work) and just sleep and watch tv in peace for a few hours?

hello261 · 27/02/2025 15:02

Your in the thick of it with young kids. See if you can build in a break during the week somehow. No harm exploring HRT if feel needed.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 27/02/2025 15:04

It's a perfect storm of both I would imagine.

Ferryweather · 27/02/2025 15:29

Menopause utterly changed me and in particular I became a very different type of mother.
Estrogen is a caring hormone and its loss really impacted me, it was night and day.

Small children are demanding but I found that my care and love for them over rode any tiredness etc. But that was in my late 20s, early 30s. If I was to have them in my early 40s , I know I wouldn’t have had the same reserves. I’d consider HRT

Lime90 · 27/02/2025 15:34

Why did you have a second if you don’t like motherhood?

Pigeonqueen · 27/02/2025 15:52

Broken sleep, menopause and two young dc is enough to break anyone!

MotionofTime · 27/02/2025 16:36

Lime90 · 27/02/2025 15:34

Why did you have a second if you don’t like motherhood?

Oh give over. Twatty comment.

Original poster
Mytaytopowers · 27/02/2025 20:38

Lime90 · 27/02/2025 15:34

Why did you have a second if you don’t like motherhood?

I think it’s a fair question and it is because I can see the long game if you like.

In twenty years, I want to have a loving family around me. I always knew / know it wouldn’t be this hard forever, but it is still hard now.

Also I had my first during covid and although I do find it very hard … doing it all ‘properly’ with my second has been very healing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mytaytopowers · 27/02/2025 20:38

Ferryweather · 27/02/2025 15:29

Menopause utterly changed me and in particular I became a very different type of mother.
Estrogen is a caring hormone and its loss really impacted me, it was night and day.

Small children are demanding but I found that my care and love for them over rode any tiredness etc. But that was in my late 20s, early 30s. If I was to have them in my early 40s , I know I wouldn’t have had the same reserves. I’d consider HRT

Thank you - I appreciate you saying this!

OP posts:
NameChangedForThis2025 · 27/02/2025 21:11

No answers, just sending solidarity! 44 with a 3 year old, working 4 days in a high stress role. I am knackered ALL THE TIME, and feel ancient - creaky and weak - so I’m going to try to get on the HRT as I’m sure I shouldn’t feel this bloody old at 44, even with the 3 year old wearing me out!

My 3 year old has recently come out the other side (mostly) of a really difficult stage of hitting and throwing things, and there were several occasions when I really struggled to keep a lid on my own rage.

OhMaria2 · 27/02/2025 21:20

I'm 43 with a 3 year old and this thread really chimes. How do I make the Dr give me hrt when they never listen to me?

Ferryweather · 27/02/2025 21:23

Lime90 · 27/02/2025 15:34

Why did you have a second if you don’t like motherhood?

Jog on

Nmeag · 27/02/2025 21:28

Im 39 with 3 children aged 4, 2 and 1. It is so hard, and I find it so difficult to see the wood for the trees, I felt like I lost myself but one that that has helped me is making some time for myself and for the first time in my life I enjoy exercise. Perhaps this isn't your interest but carving out some time just for myself is the one thing that has helped me and, if you can, try to do the same.
And although it's soooo hard having 3 young children they are great company for each other and that thought always gets me through. youve gi en your 4 ywar old a sibling and that is such a lovely thing. Be kind to yourself, toddlers are hard work. Xx

ginandheels · 27/02/2025 21:30

Peri kicked in for me at 43. Like @Ferryweather says, menopause is a game changer. It is hard enough with teenagers in the mix - let alone small children. You have my sympathy. It is a difficult stage without the hormonal stuff to deal with too.

Definitely go to your GP and be prepared to fight for some HRT. Take a multivitamin, VitD, VitB12 and Magnesium supplements. Get some fresh air every day. Choose your battles. Give yourself a break, reduce the pressure on yourself where you can, safely. The fact you are ringing your own alarm bell here is positive. Look after yourself - it is a bumpy time of life but all will be well.

Shubbypubby · 27/02/2025 21:42

I am a big supporter of women having a baby that is right for them and there are advantages and disadvantages of having babies at all sorts of ages. I had my first in my 20s and I think one advantage of having them young is the adaptability of young people. I hadn't known my adult life to be much different and I think I adapted much more easily than I would if I had my first now in my 40s when I'm much more stuck in my ways. That's not to say I think it's "better" to have babies in your 20s - I just didn't have a lifetime of adulthood behind me living a certain way. Having kids is a monumental life change so be kind to yourself.

Shubbypubby · 27/02/2025 21:43

That should say I'm a big supporter of women having a baby at a time that is right for them.

Umthisisabitawkward · 27/02/2025 21:53

52 here with a 7 year old. I adore the very bones of her but sometimes it is TOUGH - and I think a lot of that is physical. I just don’t have as much energy as I did when I was 20 or 30. What I do have, though, is a ton more life experience which I think means I’m a better mother than I would have been when I was younger. I’ve recently decided to try and get in better shape physically, because I think that will help with my resilience. Peri kicks your butt and removes many layers of tolerance (well, it did for me!), having young children also kicks your butt and can be gruelling at times. Love sees you through though - and you sound very self aware which helps too. I don’t have any advice, but sending lots of solidarity to you.

Moonbark · 27/02/2025 22:21

I have children exactly the same ages as yours and it is so hard and exhausting. Only commenting to say you aren’t alone.

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 27/02/2025 22:33

Lose the cats
consider HRT
buy more help, if you can (childcare , cleaning)

those are horrible stages and ages - can you work more hours as a break and to earn more? Good luck

NewMarmiteJar · 27/02/2025 22:52

You need a break.

That's it. Then regular ones after that.

Do you have family?

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 27/02/2025 23:00

Thanks for this thread - it's prompted me to consider the same question. I am in a similar position and was putting it down to exhaustion, but my own mother had a very rough and early-ish menopause, so I'm wondering if I might be heading the same way. I'm going to talk to the GP about HRT, I think.

One good thing about having children later is the maturity - I don't know about you, but I wouldn't necessarily have had the self-awareness to step out of the room when I could feel myself being pushed to my limit in my 20s. So it's not all bad! You sound like someone who makes real effort to be a good parent, even when (especially when) it's hard.

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 27/02/2025 23:02

Lime90 · 27/02/2025 15:34

Why did you have a second if you don’t like motherhood?

Wowzers. The things people will say from behind a keyboard...