Is it menopause or motherhood that has turned me into somebody I don’t recognise and am not sure I like?

[Mytaytopowers]

I had my first baby late (age 40.) I loved him, very much, but didn’t love being a mum, though it pains me to say so. Even so, went on to have a second a few weeks shy of my 43rd birthday.

I am now 44; my children are 19 months and four, and while there is this nice part of me still who I hope my children mostly see I am often irritable, snappy, quick to anger (often over nothing) impatient and sad.

My youngest is at a really difficult age and I know she’s not doing anything out of the realms of totally normal but it’s still frustrating and I had to step out of the room at a group we were at the other day as I was being pushed to my absolute limit and I could feel myself about to blow. The thing is I thought I was mostly okay but it seems to have ramped up lately. Today I’ve really been struggling with them both - my four year old is lovely but just never stops talking and the toddler is also lovely, but, well, a toddler. And i have no idea why I get so stressed out over not sitting in the pushchair and stupid stuff like that.

Help!

I think it's a bit relentless at the stage your kids are at. Be really kind to yourself and try and build in some breaks and things that you find restorative away from the kids.
Mine are a bit older now and I enjoy it so much more than back then.
If you still feel bad try the HRT.

It’s a perfectly valid question.

Haven’t read the full thread but I think you might be me, right down to the age you had both babies and the number of days you work. It’s gruelling. I’m about 10 years down the line from you now, and it gets so much easier. I’m still effing exhausted, but get more time to myself.

young children can be exhausting and can suck every drop of energy out of you even when you’re otherwise in good health. Add in meno and, as a pp said, it’s a perfect storm.

firstly, you don’t have to be a perfect mum. Good enough is ok and what most of us manage day to day, with the odd absolutely crap parenting day thrown in. You have to learn to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself those moments you want to kill them. You left the room and didn’t blow - sounds like great parenting to me. Sorry is your greatest tool - if you fuck up, explain that to the kids and say sorry. Fabulous modelling there.

sleep - kids kill this, peri/meno kills it even more. Lack of sleep makes everything so much harder. The cats will go soon so don’t lose hope yet. Try to go to bed earlier too. I now go at 10 ish, often before my teens, and my god I wish I’d learned to do this sooner in life. What you might gain in an evening you may lose the next day in sanity.

meno - if you genuinely are peri (though toddler/preschooler stage can also cause sleeplessness, brain fog and inexplicable rage, it doesn’t cause sweats, flushes etc) then go to GP and talk HRT. I was early, peri symptoms started around 40, by which time my kids were in school and at a slightly less blood suckingly needy age. HRT saved me, and I really mean that.

The cats will go soon, try to get more sleep, drop your standards, and be kinder to yourself. Good luck op, you are doing just fine.

Don’t judge yourself op - you are in the trenches stage of parenting and menopause is a bastard to many of us. Combine the two and it’s rough as fuck. Menopause causes anxiety and stress over utter nonsense. I remember when I started menopause, the fact that my mum switched a light off in my house gave me a flash of heat and panic. And I was only looking at something unimportant as she did it. The panic is involuntary. Just try to push through, if you can pay for help then do so.

Oestrogen patches make me nice again 😁

It's sleep, probably. Any other reason you think you are peri? You might have a way to go yet before meno but your hormones might still be disrupted from motherhood.