Difficult relationship with my mum during pregnancy

[ThatBlueBee]

I generally have an ok relationship with my mum, but during my pregnancy it has deteriorated and I’m looking for advice on whether to involve her before/after birth when I will be vulnerable but need support.

As background, I had a tough fertility journey with losses along the way, and now I’m 34 weeks with our first baby and the first grandchild in the family (I’m the eldest of 3 girls). I have struggled with tokophobia, anxiety and I’m under the care of the mental health team due to high risk of PPP/PPD. I like to be in control of things, and I am having en elective C section but I also need to have a before and after support plan in place.

I just can’t get through to my mother about the support I need from her. My psychiatrist recommended setting boundaries, which she takes so badly. Her views are that every woman goes through pregnancy, and God will guide the delivery, so why am I making such a fuss and expecting special treatment. She invited herself to stay over Christmas and made me feel dreadful about all of my decisions, especially the C section.
Feeling that I was in a good place, I asked her if she wanted to help me prepare and enjoy a gentle spa day together at the start of my mat leave 2 weeks before the birth. She declined because she’s in an amateur dramatics play! I can’t believe I am less important than her hobby, and that she committed to it so close to my delivery date.

I feel that I need to make some distance now, and keep her away from me and the baby while I am vulnerable - instead having my mother in law’s support. I feel so sad that I can’t get her to understand the support I need. This entire pregnancy has been an incredibly lonely and isolated time and I feel so let down by her. But every time we talk about it she makes me feel like I can’t get through it because I’m not doing this like a “normal” woman would.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy, and I'm sorry about your losses.

I'm confused about what you actually want from your mum. You've mentioned setting boundaries - suggesting you want her less involved - but then you've talked about needing more support from her. What exactly is it that you want her to do/not do?

I also can't see what's wrong at all with her being in a play two weeks before your birth. Her society will have been preparing for it for months. Just go to the spa on a different date.

Is the baby's father supporting you? Is he your birth partner?

Congratulations on your pregnant, so so sorry for your hard journey and losses.

First of all, I don’t think your mums in the wrong for being in the play and not cancelling to go to the spa. Just my opinion.

Second, I’m sorry she’s been unfair and dismissive for your reasonings for a c section and your anxiety.

I don’t think she is going to be the supportive person you need right now, I know that hurts but it is the truth. Do you have friends / can speak to your partner for support x

Kindly, you're being a bit unreasonable to suddenly expect your Mum to be different if your relationship has been 'ok' but not great before.
She may be warmer once the baby arrives. In the meantime I would look for support from people who are more attuned to what you need right now.

Tbh I don't think you like your mother. Honestly I wasn't keen on mine and didn't feel she gave me the support I needed when I had my first child. However I am now a grandmother and am seeing the other side. Dammed either way frankly. I would get very organised by getting plenty of shopping in, batch cook and pay for a cleaner for a few weeks. You don't need your mum and her presence will probably just annoy you. Keep in touch via WhatsApp and FB. If she ever reads MN she is probably expecting to be pushed to one side anyway as it seems the norm for new mothers to not want older women around.

I think it is important that as we become adults we do not expect our parents to be perfect, but recognise that they too are flawed human beings just as we are. No-one can say or do exactly what we might wish of them.

I can empathise with her about the CS - my DD had one and I cannot claim that I was not worried! - here was MY baby being chopped open!!

It is not at all odd that she is engaged in her amateur dramatics - be thankful that she has a life of her own and is not expecting you to be her life.

You have been through so much to achieve this pregnancy and I can understand you wanting everything to be perfect - but your perfect may not be hers nor others'. I hope you can go with the flow a bit on this and that everything works out well for you.

YABU about the play. They could have been rehearsing already and it’s not reasonable to stop her participating.

Everything else, if she’s being openly judgmental in a critical way then I’d suggest distancing yourself from her for a bit and keeping interactions away from your Labour plans. But in reality if you discuss that with her then it’s not unreasonable for her to offer a view? Even if it’s not one you share. And you talk about boundaries but what do you mean? If it’s that you simply want her to agree that everything you want to do is the best idea and drop everything when you ask I don’t think that’s realistic.

I think I’d take a step back and work out whether it’s her reactions or your own worries which might be the real issue?

And yes I agree, I don’t think she’s the person to give you the support you want. If your relationship is deteriorating before the birth it’s going to get worse once baby is here. You both sound like you’ve got very fixed ideas about things so much better to arrange other support (cleaner/ freezer meals/ DH taking leave/ doula) and then just try to enjoy time with your mum without coming into conflict all the time.

So does God guide the delivery when a woman or baby has a bad outcome?

I'm so sorry OP. My mum was openly furious with my tokophobia as I was "ruining her excitement for her first grandchild". Tbh, my lovely, motherly line manager (who had just become a Granny herself) basically took over the role of my mother during my pregnancy, and I was fortunate like you to have a lovely MIL, and my wonderful dad and DH supporting me.

In my case, it turns out my mum had come off HRT suddenly after several decades on it, and she was utterly vile and unkind to us all for months until she released what had happened and started up on it again. We are 6 years on, and I don't think she knows how much she hurt me when I was at my very lowest ebb. Tokophobia and prenatal anxiety is awful, so my heart goes out to you. Concentrate on you and your needs right now, and those who will make your mental health better, not worse. For what it's worth, I found ELCSs to be wonderful experiences and felt better basically on the operating table.

YABU, it's not ok to expect her to cancel her hobby, you ask her times she's available and try and find a time that works.

Given your mental health issues and you say you want to be in control, it means it's likely quite difficult to support you as support also often means letting people do things their own way a bit. You'd be better off planning for you and DH to do everything and allow family to be guests only.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about the c section, I've been made to feel a bit bad because my son is in breech and I was given the option of an ecv to turn him to avoid having a section. I refused and said i want to go ahead with the c section (it's my 4th baby) and the doctor kept giving me leaflets and saying if I change my mind it's more than ok. You do what's best for you

Thank you for the helpful and kind replies!

Some context on why I was so upset and disappointed that her hobby comes first. The plays that she performs in are very regular, they are attended by 20 or so people only, and she is the weakest actor in the group. I feel that she is doing it for her own validation, and I am exhausted from competing for her attention. All my life it has been a battle between me and my sisters, and I can't forgive her if she puts the play first.

I took on a new role in my job in January, leading a team of 25. I worked incredibly hard for several years to reach this position, but it means that I am under pressure to have things in place and meet targets before I can take leave. This is why I don't want to invite her to stay with me sooner - I am putting everything into my job even at weekends so that I can take parental leave for a few months without worrying about how I left it.

Given the sneery comments she has made about my delivery, I can't have her here in the week that my C section is scheduled. I know she will damage everything I have overcome through counselling during the pregnancy.

You know that it's not mandatory to have a relationship with your mother?

I still think you are being unreasonable about the plays, why is it causing a battle between you and sisters? I know it’s hard to gauge because you know more than us but this is a regular hobby, what if she had a job would you say she should take days off to be with you because you come first? You are an adult and if she has prior commitments for her plays I don’t understand why she should cancel

I feel bad for saying this but you sound needy, your mum shouldn’t be making them comments about your anxiety and birth choice she’s totally out of order for that but from your OP about you’re annoyed she said she’d do a play 2 weeks before your due date and you want her to cancel on her hobby etc I feel maybe you expect too much.

Who on earth gets frustrated with a parent for doing a hobby 2 weeks before birth, you don’t even want her to stay before the c section so why are you annoyed?

Why are you competing with your mother's hobby ? Surely you are a grown adult that doesn't need her mother to organise her social life around things you want ? As in, spas are open 5 or 6 days a week every week, pick a day that suits you both like 2 grown ups ?

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy and sorry you are having such a hard time.
Gently, I do think you are a little unkind about the am dram. Its a community and important for people, shes also likely made a commitment by this point and it would be unfair to let people down. Its important to have your own life as a parent and it doesnt matter if you're good or not, its am dram, its about creativity and community.
You talk about boundaries and space but also about support. Have you been able to clearly articulate what you want from your mother? Maybe if both lay out expectations you can find a way forward. If you dont have that level of openness, then maybe she isnt the right support when youre so vulnerable.

Yes, is it not possible to do the spa on another day when it’s not at the same time as her play? Even if she’s doing it for validation- in a way that’s what most hobbies are for surely? And if you don’t want her around before the C section why suggest a spa day at all? It’s all a bit confusing.

I think in your position I would be trying to refocus things on her relationship with the baby- probably more productive to make sure her relationship with the baby starts off on a positive note than anything else. Obviously a bit of a backstory and it’s unlikely that will be resolved now when you’ve got opposing views on your pregnancy. She might be a brilliant granny, even if she can’t support you in quite the way you want.

The plays that she performs in are very regular, they are attended by 20 or so people only, and she is the weakest actor in the group. I feel that she is doing it for her own validation, and I am exhausted from competing for her attention. All my life it has been a battle between me and my sisters, and I can't forgive her if she puts the play first.

I'm sorry you're struggling but this is just nasty. You don't have to be the best at something to enjoy it and you seem to have double standards when it comes to self validation.

She's not "putting the play first" she's sticking to a prearranged commitment and doesn't want to go on a spa day, that's perfectly reasonable.

I’m sorry you have tokophobia - I think it’s clouding your judgment about things a bit though. Your mum is still a person in her own right and this includes her own free time, her own free will. She can of course be a support person to you but you can’t expect her to be at your beck and call 24-7 like a servant in case you should click your fingers and demand she’s free on a certain day. YABU

Having a baby is hard so I don’t think she is the person you need around you when you’re also vulnerable. I’d write her a letter setting boundaries about exactly what you want and take your MIL’s support if she’s been more reliable!

OP it sounds to me like you need to be a bit more guarded with what you tell your DM. I get wanting support from her but she's not the right person for this and it sounds like she's making you feel worse. I think you're better off being matter of fact and not having high expectations of her.

Your mum is also a person, with the right to her own boundaries. Part of growing up is recognising that. Your comments about her play are just horrible - the entire world does not revolve around you. Even wondering if this is a reverse tbh.

If she can't be as supportive as you would like, take a step back from her. Fwiw, I had an ELCS and it was a positive experience. I wish you the best of luck with yours too.

I don't see what the hobby has to do with anything. You aren't a child anymore and she's allowed to have a life of her own. It doesn't sound like you would benefit much from having her around so why does it matter if she's got commitments around your due date?