To request my DH is home more

[sunshine2025]

My DH is very supportive and a 50/50 dad normally but unexpected life has happened. His dad had a serious stroke and was taken to a hospital about an hour away. Originally was given no chance to live but nearly two weeks later is starting to regain consciousness and will be a slow journey for recovery (he’s likely to be in ICU another month).

DH is staying at his mums about 4 nights a week (she’s mid 70s and this was a massive shock to her so I do not begrudge this at all) and spending his days in hospital. I am barely seeing him at the moment.

All absolutely fine except we have a 20 month old, and I’m 26 weeks pregnant and working in a demanding job 4 days a week (5th day I have the toddler with me). I’ve had to request to wfh so I can do all drop offs and pick ups which I normally split with DH, and I’m basically doing all childcare, including night wake ups.

Last night was a particularly bad night with DS- he was up 11.30pm-1.30am and up for the day at 6.40am, so I’m
Not sure if I’m just massively exhausted today and feel like I need a break, but AIBU if I ask DH to start staying with us more rather than his mum so I have a bit of help (he can go still see dad from our house) or am I being a snowflake as I’m not even in my third trimester yet. I feel terribly guilty taking support away from his mum.

Would you suck it up for a while longer or ask for more help? If of any relevance, I was hospitalised at 32 weeks with severe preeclampsia and he was delivered at 34 weeks, so I’m also a bit worried about all the extra stress on me making my BP go up and the same issue happening this time (and if I go to hospital for a stay we truly are screwed from a childcare perspective).

By the way, DH would listen to me in a heartbeat and be back more if I said I needed him, but I’ve told him I’m managing well at the moment and encouraging him to do what he needs to with his family so he doesn’t have any regrets in the future.

Thoughts please.

AIBU- suck it up and be supportive during this difficult time for DH

YANBU- you are also a priority.

I think you should keep going for now. Like you say, if things change he will be there more.

I can see both sides here , and are a little bit more on your dh side I'm afraid .

His father is seriously unwell , and he is giving his mother support as well as being there for his dad , bad timing due to your pregnancy , but I think you will just have to cope for a bit longer .

How about getting help from your family ? Have you a mum or sister nearby that could come over for the evening / stay the night to help , or even a mate now and again.

It must be exhausting for you , but try to see it as your way of supporting your dh and his family.
Congratulations on the baby .

You must be exhausted. Is there anyone else who can stay with his mum? Can he stay with her 3 nights a week instead?

Tough situation. Are there any siblings etc on his side that can help support his mum?

YABU. Kindly, you need to just be supportive to him, his mum and dad right now. I fully understand how tired you must be and the huge upheaval to your life at the moment. But his dad is still very poorly. His mum must be in bits.
Is there anyone you can call on to support you a bit more with childcare etc? Your family?

Your FIL is an hour away in hospital, there is no need for your DH to stay away so much even at all.

That's normal commuting time for a lot of people.

Is be not working? I think he needs to give as much time to his kids as he is his parents.

It sounds like a very difficult and upsetting situation for everyone.

It sounds like this is going to be a marathon not a sprint and that his parents are going to need a lot of support in the long term as his DF recovers. Indeed it may be that things get more difficult and his DPs need more help once DF is discharged from hospital.

With that it mind I think you need to think about what that longer term support will look like and start putting it in place now, both in terms of how his parents get the support they need, and you get the support you need.

It's not the commute I wouldn't think but supporting his Mum at home.

Is there anyone else other than DH who can help you

at the moment it’s a bit of an impossible situation but his dad’s in icu and it does sound touch and go so I think that’s going to trump everything at this stage
hopefully once his dads stable then you can reassess things

It’s only been 2 weeks, I think it’s a bit unreasonable and insensitive to the support should be cut.
At 26 weeks you should be able to look after your son a couple of nights a week for more than 2 weeks in a pretty extreme circumstance.

Ok thanks everyone. Like I said, it's been a super rough night and I feel like a wreck today and I'm about to start my job with brain fog, and no idea how I am going to provide any useful legal advice to clients today (I'm a lawyer dealing in a very technical area), but I'm glad for the perspective and will keep cracking on for the moment.

Re my family- no one really around here that can help out on a day to day basis. My mum may be able to take him for a few hours on the weekend for me to visit in hospital, but that's about it.

And yes I think we are going to have to think about what support looks like in the long term as this is not an easy fix and is a long term issue. One step at a time I guess.

Not a straightforward AIBU - you need to be supportive of your DH/ILs but you are absolutely also a priority! I am sorry - what a difficult time for your family.

I suppose some key bits of information arw - if your DH is spending his days with your MIL in hospital as well, would she be ok to be left alone in the evenings? How is she getting to and from hospital? How long is the drive from your place to MIL?

As for getting through today, which is the immediate problem - you have my sympathy and a handhold. It's such an awful feeling having to face the day on broken and minimal sleep, having to do an intellectual job - especially pregnant with another child to care for so do feel for you my advice would be don't expect to be a leading light in your field today - stay calm and do just what you need to do, drink up to the pregnancy caffeine limit (if you do drink tea/coffee that is), treat yourself to chocolate and fresh air and make sure you have some breaks so you are able to look after your DC this evening. Leave all but the most essential of household tasks. Try not to think about how tired you are as everything will feel worse - just focus on the 10 minutes in front of you and you will get through it.

The

Do you have any annual leave that you could take a week off just now? Just to have one less thing to stress about and you can still send toddler to nursery or whatever childcare they go to.

Could MIL stay with you for a bit so she can be supported at your house rather than your husband being away?
They could drive to the hospital from your house?

I think people have been. A bit dismissive of the fact that you previously developed preeclampsia and had a 32 week delivery. I would be worried a about that too.

What a difficult situation

I think this depends on the health of his mother. I know she's 70 but my mom is 72 and completely fit and healthy and would be pretty horrified if someone was prioritising her over a pregnant woman with a toddler. However if she is not well it's a different story obviously.

I think you have to be sensitive to the stress he is under (which it sounds like you are), but that doesn't completely absolve him of responsibility to you and your toddler either.

it is hard on you. But i would guess it is extremely hard on DH, his dad and his mum. He sounds great and i would leave it for the moment. If he is usually so 50/50 there is no way he doesn't know what you are going through right now.

Give him a break, even when they are in their 70s it is a huge huge shock to have such a reminder that your parents are mortal.

In 50 years how would you feel if your DIL told your son that he was to stay with her rather than help you out a bit?

I suggest you post on the Elderly Parents board, it's in other. Lots of experience on there of juggling competing family needs and there is bound to be someone who has an idea.
Our own experience of a serious stroke was it's a bloody long haul (9 years non verbal, paralysed and incontinent) and an enormous strain long term. Our DC were older but it was still really tough so speak to all the agencies you can to get the appropriate support for MIL and don't be afraid to say that you/DH can't do something and help needs to be bought in. To use phrases popular on the Elderly Parents board you need to out your own oxygen mask on first and it's better to feel guilt than resentment. But in the short term do as much as you can to support DH and MIL even if it means buying in help at home, they've had a dreadful fright and are grieving the man FIL was and will never be again.

I would ask him to be home more in your situation. His mother will be okay if he stays there 2 nights instead of 4. She's not infirm or anything, so he can support her with calls etc but he can't physically be there so much each week when he has DC and a pregnant wife who need him at home. Doesn't she have neighbours and friends who can rally too?

I'm surprised your mil is on board with dh being there half the week when he has a toddler and a wife with a high risk pregnancy. I get she's struggling but so are you. Unless she has other care issues

I was going to suggest his as well.

If this wouldn't work, does dh have any siblings that could share the load of looking after their mother?

Gosh, what a difficult time for you all. Very important though, that you are careful with your own health. Could your MIL come to stay with you? Or would that be worse? Or, could you buy in some short term help - a temporary emergency nanny, for instance.

Suck it up! His dad has had a stroke and his mum needs support. You have had a bad night’s sleep. If you become ill further down the line he can (and no doubt will) reassess his priorities.

This.

What is he actually doing there?

My MIL would be encouraging him to go home and support his family.

It sounds really hard for everyone. I think 4 nights is too much.

I'm getting through at the moment by continually reminding myself we can do hard things, and the hard times will pass.

Tbf to MIL- she has said he can go home. But I think he wants to make sure she'll be ok alone before just leaving her- she's never had to stay alone for the past 50 years of marriage. He also does a have a brother who lives a bit further but isn't doing as much (he is a dr so harder for him to be around). I think going forward they'll have to chat how both of them can support the situation as well as be their for their own families (they also have a young toddler and no other family support). Will be tricky.

I'm just trying to keep myself zen enough to keep high BP at baby