To request my DH is home more

[sunshine2025]

My DH is very supportive and a 50/50 dad normally but unexpected life has happened. His dad had a serious stroke and was taken to a hospital about an hour away. Originally was given no chance to live but nearly two weeks later is starting to regain consciousness and will be a slow journey for recovery (he’s likely to be in ICU another month).

DH is staying at his mums about 4 nights a week (she’s mid 70s and this was a massive shock to her so I do not begrudge this at all) and spending his days in hospital. I am barely seeing him at the moment.

All absolutely fine except we have a 20 month old, and I’m 26 weeks pregnant and working in a demanding job 4 days a week (5th day I have the toddler with me). I’ve had to request to wfh so I can do all drop offs and pick ups which I normally split with DH, and I’m basically doing all childcare, including night wake ups.

Last night was a particularly bad night with DS- he was up 11.30pm-1.30am and up for the day at 6.40am, so I’m
Not sure if I’m just massively exhausted today and feel like I need a break, but AIBU if I ask DH to start staying with us more rather than his mum so I have a bit of help (he can go still see dad from our house) or am I being a snowflake as I’m not even in my third trimester yet. I feel terribly guilty taking support away from his mum.

Would you suck it up for a while longer or ask for more help? If of any relevance, I was hospitalised at 32 weeks with severe preeclampsia and he was delivered at 34 weeks, so I’m also a bit worried about all the extra stress on me making my BP go up and the same issue happening this time (and if I go to hospital for a stay we truly are screwed from a childcare perspective).

By the way, DH would listen to me in a heartbeat and be back more if I said I needed him, but I’ve told him I’m managing well at the moment and encouraging him to do what he needs to with his family so he doesn’t have any regrets in the future.

Thoughts please.

AIBU- suck it up and be supportive during this difficult time for DH

YANBU- you are also a priority.

I don't think YANBU with the worry about pre eclampsia at all. Exhaustion is no joke.

I can see how he feels it's the right thing to do to spend nights with his mum and be at the hospital all day but PP are right this is going to be a marathon not a sprint and this is not sustainable.

Can his mum stay with you?

If not, I think it would be reasonable to say that he needs to be home sometimes to help.

Can he and his mum come to yours for the evening, he does the normal routine with the toddler, dinner etc and then take his mum home?

Best of luck to you all.

I disagree that you should suck it up.

Dont wait until you're ill. Find a better balance now.

I disagree with a lot of the replies. I think it would be reasonable for him to stay at his mums 2 nights a week but he has a young family too. 4 nights is too much in your situation imo.

Also, this will sound mean but her living with us is really not either of us want. She is sweet... when you don't live with her. We stayed with her a couple of weeks once and ended up falling out for months as she'd take offence to everything and she is very set in her own ways. Her and DH clash and I just think it will be a very toxic environment especially while pregnant/ with a newborn.

May be relevant- we are of South Asian heritage and Indian MILs are not something to be reckoned with. I have deep seated trauma from my own childhood when my grandparents came to live with us and saw how it destroyed my parents' relationship as the dynamics and expectations changed so significantly. She's nowhere near that bad, but I'd rather avoid becoming my mum if I can.

I really disagree with most of the above comments. He should definitely be at home more helping you and protecting your health and that of your baby. It sounds like his mum needs emotional rather than practical support and that can be done over the phone, visiting for long stretches, dividing up hospital visits. He doesn’t need to be staying there overnight. His mum is surely asleep then and he would be of much more practical use at home.

I’d suggest he stay there one night a week and visit plenty, maybe take the toddler over at weekends if that would be a comfort and distraction to her. It won’t help the situation if you get pre-eclampsia and suddenly he has to do everything at home and worry about you too.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable @sunshine2025 . There is every chance (hopefully not though) that you will be hospitalised again and your husband will be forced to step away from his mum and become the 100% parent that you are currently being. The amount of additional stress and responsibility on you at the moment only makes this more likely. I think you need to start a conversation with your husband about how he can start to pick up responsibilities at home again. It's a very difficult situation where there just aren't enough hands to manage what needs to be done and you will not be doing yourself or your family any favours by running yourself into the ground. Your blood pressure is key here. Is it already elevated?

She's 26 weeks pregnant with a history of preeclampsia and and a 32 week birth. There could be permanent implications for her and baby if she were to 'suck it up' and not look after her own wellbeing. That's a very dismissive comment.

I'm never quite sure this 'supporting his mum' she's mid 70s, her husband is in hospital what is he doing 24/7? Yes visit his dad, but I'm sure his mum will be fine at home herself.
OP needs him back home, especially now his dad is improving.

I don’t think he should be staying there 4 nights a week. That’s a lot of time away from you and your young child. It’s a lot on your shoulders especially working a stressful job too.
I would be asking him to stay maybe 2 nights a week with her.

OP, it is a very hard situation all round but I would be hugely concerned about you.
You sound very stoic but tjis is too much.

That your husband needs it pointed out is really very poor.

This stress could cause an early arrival which you do not want.

He needs to be around a lot more, its as simple as that.

It sounds tough all round but I think you and your husband now need to be thinking about the longer term and getting the balance right for everyone as its going to be a long haul. This needs to also include his brother . Everyone will burn out and get exhausted at this rate. It sounds shocking and distressing but it's time to think practically now.

I think he needs to prioritise you if you need him.

He can still visit and offer support but you need him more right now.

My DF has just been seriously ill in hospital for a month and my DM would have been horrified if I tried to stay overnight with her.

This won't be forever.
I was a single parent (split while pregnant with second and had a toddler) and managed everything myself for years.
Your DH must be devastated.

This doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It would be the right thing to do to tell him you are struggling and can you agree how you cut down the time away yet still provide appropriate support. PE is not to be messed with.

I think your DH should come home now. He has supported his mother and will talk to her ofcourse but you need him hands on with your child.

With 20 month old and a high risk pregnancy, I really do question the wisdom of expecting you to crack on until such time as you become unwell.
As a mother of sons, I’d like to think they’d be there to support me and DH in this situation, but I’d not want my grandchildren and DIL put at risk while they do it. No way.
DH will need to find a better balance before you all end up in an impossible situation.

I was in a similar position two years ago. 3.5 year old, pregnant and working in London 4 days a week. My husband mum was in hospital and eventually passed, it lasted three months and then he needed to be there for his dad.

It was extremely hard. We pushed on as he wouldn't get the time back with his mum.

The consequences of this would be I was ill at the end of the pregnancy, my 3.5 had behaviour issues I think he was acting out as he missed his dad and I got PND. Maybe this would have happened anyway but it felt like it was a direct consequence of the situation. Even though I was happy for him to be with his mum and wouldn't change that, it did impact on my feelings towards him as I felt resentful on how hard I was experiencing it. Rightly or wrongly I did.

Under no circumstances allow her to stay with you if she is a difficult woman.

Absolutely not, not even for a bit OP.
Protect your marriage even if it costs you flack.

I dont think you're being unreasonable at all. Yes an hours drive daily might not be something he wants to do daily forever, but for the moment, I don't understand why he needs to be sleeping there 4 nights a week at all? he could just drive home? What is it that he's doing in supporting his mum? I would understand more if there were care needs that his dad did for his mum, but if she's a healthy 70 year old, surely she's able to get herself up and dressed before your husband arrives to take her to the hospital etc.? You need to take care of yourself too.

I think you should be supportive at the moment.
It's not forever.