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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invasion of privacy?

36 replies

Northernsoul72 · 26/02/2025 22:13

Today while I was at work my daughter who is nearly 19 went on to my PC and scrolled through my private WhatsApp messages to gather evidence that I talk about her to my friends. We are not having a particularly easy time of it with her at the moment so yes she did find some messages where I am letting off steam to my oldest friend and reading that can't have been pleasant. However I am absolutely furious at this invasion of privacy, but you can't really give consequences to an adult can you

OP posts:
LunaLove1 · 26/02/2025 22:14

You can tell them if they aren’t happy then they are old enough to stand on their own two feet and leave.

Dollshousedolly · 26/02/2025 22:17

You can tell her how disappointed you are with her for doing this and suggest it’s time for her to move out.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 26/02/2025 22:19

Ask her to see all the messages she's sent to her friends about you.

shellyleppard · 26/02/2025 22:19

Improve your password safety??

thisfilmisboring123 · 26/02/2025 22:20

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 26/02/2025 22:19

Ask her to see all the messages she's sent to her friends about you.

Yes this.
I would be absolutely furious.

50Balesofgrey · 26/02/2025 22:22

I would be annoyed at my lax security

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 26/02/2025 22:22

If you don't want people saying shitty things about you then don't be a shitty person imo

FartyAnimal · 26/02/2025 22:22

And what is she planning to do with this evidence? You have every right to discuss her with your friends, and I'm sure she talks about you with hers. It shows she has a lack of respect for you and has no sense of boundaries. I guess you can stop making her life easy or tell her to go and find herself somewhere else to live

Elsvieta · 26/02/2025 22:23

Consequences? Well, you don't have to provide her with housing or any kind of financial support. Maybe a reminder of the fact wouldn't go amiss.

No, you can't punish a 19yo like a child, but you can treat it like any other situation where you live with any other adult and insist on basic respect for your property and privacy. Change your password and set out your expectations for the future VERY clearly.

Original poster
Northernsoul72 · 26/02/2025 22:26

Thank you. I honestly didn't think I needed to have intense security in my own home. I was a bit embarrassed to say in my first message but I did say I am this close to asking you to leave this house forever. I did swear to. I am just glad others see it as bad as I do. She currently won't talk to me, but I will try again in the morning

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 26/02/2025 22:27

You can remind her that she’s an adult and has no automatic right to live in your house. If mine did that, they would now be on a warning and any repeat incident would lead to eviction.

And yes, does she want you scrolling through her messages to check what she’s said about you?

Tagyoureit · 26/02/2025 22:31

So now she has this evidence, what is planning to do with it? What was the point of it?

I'd also be fuming over the snooping too!

AyeBeeSea · 26/02/2025 22:32

You are allowed to say whatever you want to your own best friend.

Your dd is being ridiculous to say otherwise. Does she think she's Kim Jong Il or has she been reading 1984?

Maray1967 · 26/02/2025 22:32

If she refuses to speak to you and apologise for searching through your messages, there should be no request that she leaves, there should be an order. I would print off information about how to apply for emergency housing and tell her she has to be out in a fortnight/month/whatever suits you.

With a warning that if she tries to access house mates’ computers without permission she will be evicted again.

Poppyseeds79 · 26/02/2025 22:38

Change the internet password and don't supply her with it.

FartyAnimal · 26/02/2025 22:43

Don't bother trying to speak to her, or make the peace. She is in the wrong and should be made properly aware. Just leave her a note saying you are disappointed and disgusted with her, and any privileges you give her (financial help, food, WiFi, washing etc) should be stopped.

Bornnotbourne · 26/02/2025 22:47

Why are you trying to speak to her? She’s the one in the wrong here, I’d echo the other responses that if she doesn’t like it she can move out.

Createausername1970 · 26/02/2025 22:53

Oh god, my DS has run me ragged at times over the years, and I have only stayed sane at times by telling friends and getting their advice and support.

You have not done anything wrong.

I would take the line that if she didn't cause the issues in the first place you would have no reason to seek support from your friends.

I used to say to my son "you chose your behaviour, I choose how I deal with it, tough if you don't like it".

Pussycat22 · 26/02/2025 22:57

She's not talking to you? In YOUR own house? I wouldn't wear this !

BigSilly · 26/02/2025 23:14

What? You are complain about your lack of privacy when you are sending messages about her to your friends!
I would not dream of disrespecting my children, especially adult children like this!

Rfvvvv · 26/02/2025 23:17

Jesus OP, I actually don't know if I would want her living with me if she thinks that type of behaviour is acceptable.

Angry wouldn't come near it.
Who on earth does she think she is.

Kill her access to everything, wifi, Netflixs, you name it.
Certainly none of your technology.

healthybychristmas · 26/02/2025 23:33

She's not talking to you?! She's the one who invaded your privacy and now she's sulking?

Apennyforapound · 26/02/2025 23:47

That's terrible op! I'd be furious, and more disappointed and hurt than anything else. Is this kind of behaviour a surprise/different to how she usually is? I don't know if you have a good relationship normally, or how close you are.
Anyhow, there is no excuse for her invasive disrectful behaviour, and she has to have consequences. She doesn't get not to speak to you in your own house, causing an atmosphere.
I wouldn't be jumping to evicting her unless there is much more to the story, but I would need to have her apologise, and make it clear now the trust is broken it'll mean restrictions and increased security. Her stealing of your privacy will impact her own.

CillaDog · 26/02/2025 23:57

So many of the comments in this show you why we have so many fractious families.

Snooping through your phone was wrong, but it can't have been nice to have read awful messages about themselves.

I would say the best way to move forward is to have a frank discussion about privacy and respecting people's right to it. Also discuss the things you've said, and why you've felt the need to vent to a friend.

Then draw a line under the experience and move on.

All the suggestions for kicking a 19 year old out, or stop helping financially, or cutting off WiFi are ridiculous. They wouldn't get any housing if you did kick them out so would be homeless, and at best in emergency accommodation such as a hostel or similar. Times are different now, very few people are financially able to live out at 19 even to rent a room you can pay upwards of £600+ a month.

It's our jobs as parents to help out children to be in the best position they can be, not throw them out because they're 19 and not respecting our rules.

Defiant and difficult behaviour between 18-25 is common, ride the storm as best you can and remember that you're also not perfect.

NotVeryFunny · 27/02/2025 00:18

BigSilly · 26/02/2025 23:14

What? You are complain about your lack of privacy when you are sending messages about her to your friends!
I would not dream of disrespecting my children, especially adult children like this!

Don't be ridiculous. It's perfectly normal to discuss your children, and anything else important in your life, including sounding off or getting support for the difficult bits. That's what friends are for! It's really not ok to look at your parent's personal messages to their friends though. A huge invasion of privacy.