Epilepsy or bad dad what would you do

[Inbedwithted]

I have a daughter with a man who has epilepsy. This guy has t seen her in 17 months and will constantly let her down.
I had a house fire when she was 3 months old I rang him and he didn't come. She went to hospital for eating a wash pod at 1 and he didn't come then just before she turned two I had a Claire's law disclosure which had 14 disclosuress of things like threatening a knife to a sister boyfriend threateinng to send a girls nudes rounf and a arrest or rape and blackmail with no conviction.
The no conviction ate away at me so I recently reached out and offered him to see his daughter.

Now back to back story he has epilepsy and will often use "had a sezure as a excuse" he said it to me one's and my friend saw him in the pub another time the barberss. I booked a tattoo once whilst he had our daughter and cancelled 5 minutes before saying he could feel a sezure coming on and had to go home, he went to the pub.

Now yesterday I said to nest at softplay so he could see his daughter and he said he had a nap and then he messaged saying he could come at 7pm to my house in which I replied my daughter would be in bed and he said well you stopped it not me plus I had sezuresz

I can't deal with it anymore he makes me feel like I don't care for his epielpsy and I'm the most heartless women. My daughter is also in a stage of calling Everyman dad (from peppa pig) and it's got to a point I don't think I can try again.

This man did stalk me also which I reoriented to the police multiple times so I don't want to give him my new adress.

What would you do al I being selfish to cut all contact to his epilepsy or am I doing what's right .

Sorry it's confusing I feel so confused by everything and as you can't disclose Claire's law in real life I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I'd let him go through the official channels with a record like he's got.

That's the point I'm at I just think where it's all been in my head it's stressed me out and I started to think he wasn't arrested and then today it's been "you nastaccist yoh just want to cintrom me when I suggested it

Your poor child, 2 useless parents.

Because I care for her every day witn zero other support and she has a good life ????

No because you're not keeping your child away from the stalking, knife yielding rapist. Cop yourself on. Why the fuck would you want this man anywhere near your child?

No, because you had the disclosure from the police and still try to get him involved with your daughter.
He isn't interested, his epilepsy is a red herring, stop trying to force this vile man upon your daughter, she deserves better and it's not him.

You are crazy to let “no conviction “ on fourteen serious charges make you so foolish
that you expose yourself and your child to this evil man. I can’t even with how disordered your thinking is on this point.

Rule Number One: protect your infant child from erratic and predatory people.

There is no rule number two.

And you don’t get special credit for raising your child alone with no help. You chose an absolute wanker of a sex partner and you owed it to yourself and your hypothetical children to have kept your wits about you and avoided him in the first place.

And set fire to your house and let a child eat a wash pod

I appreciate this is think because she started to call strangers dad I thought and he still has perantal rights I was doing something wrong I am glad to see my views are realistic because thsi was my thoughts. I think I just started to live in my head I have recently gone to therapy but it's made me start questioning everything I'm doing and I've blacked his number just and I will block his email I just felt so guilty and I don't knoe why

Bloody hell OP, read all that back. A wash pod, a house fire and facilitating contact with a man with his record. Let him go via court if he cares to and as for you, tighten up your standards. Keep your child safe. How many chances do you need?

I was in a 5 year relationship with a guy who showed no domestic abuse until I left him. Sometimes you really just don't know! I'm glad you've never been in that postitiom but it's horrible and it really does brain wash you and give you years and years of confusion. You don't have to put people down to make a point. I know he's a waste of sperm and his dad did humanity an injustice by not throwing him in a sock but unfortunately he is my child's dad and I just want to make the best decisions

Honestly I don't want him I can't actually stand him I just didn't want my daughter to resent me for not having a dad.

It’s not confusing at all. This man is bad and dangerous and you seem obsessed by keeping in contact with him . You are using your baby to try to lure him back into a relationship with you .

If you don’t stop doing this and stop all contact with him, social services will catch up with you and you could lose your child.

You need to choose which one you want - your child or this man . You can’t have both.

She'll thank you more for protecting her from a man like that in the long term, would you want him for your father because I know I wouldn't.

You should keep yourself and your child away from this waste of oxygen.
Contact your local Woman’s Aid and get yourself on the Freedom Programme, it will give you insight into his (and your) behaviour and help you to make better choices for you and your child in the future.

Not sure why the title of the thread mentions the ex partner’s epilepsy as whether he makes up having seizures or not isn’t really important in the grand scheme of things when he’s abusive and has narrowly avoided conviction for some very serious crimes.

But anyway. I wouldn’t want this man anywhere near me or my child, he could take me to court and I’d fight to avoid contact as much as possible. Your poor child has gone through so much already (house fire, eating a washing pod) why add more drama and unnecessary stress to their little life?

Listen, I have been in a similar situation and people who haven't will never understand. It's rarely black and white and it's never simple.

However, I do think now is the time to draw a line under this and cut him off from your child. This can't be a wishy washy decision that you go back and forth with, it's got to be permanent and you have to do whatever it takes to keep your child safe. You have to make a promise to yourself that from today you will never allow him access to your child again.

You are obviously a good mum and want to do right by your daughter, trust your gut

You would be genuinely negligent to allow any contact and to continue to try to draw him in would raise serious concerns to me about your judgement.

I'm not trying to be horrible but that man is nothing but a danger to women and girls and to invite that into your life is frightening.

Ah OP, this must be really hard to go through.

I think you are getting some particularly unkind responses that nobody in real life would say to your face, unfortunately your only place to go is online to talk about this.

I understand your concern about your daughter resenting not having a relationship with her dad, it is likely that at some point she will blame you for this. You need to be strong and weigh that temporary anger at you (teenage years pass) against the potential risk to her from this man.

The risk isn't only that she could be emotionally hurt by a flaky dad, she could be physically harmed by him or people she meets through him, could witness traumatic incidents which would be awful for her even if she isn't the direct victim.

Stop trying with this guy, if you continue and something does happen there is very real potential for you to be deemed responsible and SS getting involved.

Have a look for some books, films, tv shows with different family structures to help your daughter make sense of where life is at.

Thank you so much this is help I wanted!!

I know he's horrible and has done horrible thing. I think her recently noticing her dad isn't around has made me panick I had gone wrong so offered to meet him in a public place I have blocked him and I felt guilty for it which is why I cane her I'm glad to see I shouldn't feel guilty. But abuse really does mess up the way you view things and how your brain reads situations! Thank you for being kind

Don't ever let this dangerous man know where you and your daughter live. It is the best thing for your daughter to have no contact with the vile creature.
Cease all contact.
Report to Police if he stalks you.
Your daughter is depending on you to keep her safe.
You don't want her to go into foster care.

I do think you should have a look at what support is available to you locally from womens aid etc. Like you say, abuse does mess up how you look at things. You might find it helpful to be able to speak to people who understand how complicated life is even years after the abuse has ended.

Your daughter will almost definitely throw it in your face at some point that she doesn't have that relationship, all 3 of my boys have. It hurts and nothing will change that. 2 have come to their own understanding of the situation, the youngest will take much longer. You need to be prepared for that and let it happen, you will know that you have protected her and she will see it too when she is ready.

It is really hard, if you can find a way to connect with people who might understand that will help you. Charities like homestart are really good too and might be easier for you with a toddler. They do little toddler groups and their volunteers are trained to signpost people to other services that might fit, they offer loads of different support and don't judge.

It's ok to make tough decisions for your child's benefit. You've tried with this bloke. You can say that. It's time to draw a boundary.

Oh my goodness your poor child :( where were you when your child was eating the wash pod? And how did the housewife start? This is really concerning.

Epilepsy (even if he has it) had F all to do with both his and your Parenting.
Hopefully you will try and keep your child as far from him as possible and focus on what you are doing as setting the house on fire and letting your child eat a dangerous item isn't ideal either.
Do you have any support at all?