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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think lip kissing isn’t appropriate

39 replies

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 13:01

DS is 2 and DN (SIL’s daughter) is 14. When DS was born we made it very clear he wasn’t to be kissed on the face. This was listened to but over time has slipped so they would kiss him on the cheek. He’s a very affectionate boy so he decided that he wanted to kiss me and DH on the lips. I’d always kissed him on his cheek but he obviously sees DH and I peck on the lips when we say goodbye to each other. However, recently DN and SIL have been kissing him on the lips to say goodbye. I was thrown at first then just told myself I was being overly sensitive.

Last week, MIL was looking after DS at our house and DN posted a video on her social media of her with DS in his bedroom where she’d gone to get him up from his nap, and she pecks him on the lips in the video. I felt really uncomfortable but hadn’t said anything. I brought it up with DH today and he pulled a face indicating he thought it was a bit odd but then said it wasn’t anything to worry about and DS would naturally stop kissing them on the lips when he got a bit older.

DN also has a boyfriend and I explained that even just from a health point of view I wasn’t happy, because I don’t know the boy but do know that cold sores are easily spread and are a lifelong issues once contracted.

To add, due to childhood SA my internal warning system can be a bit skewed. It’s good in that I notice things other people may not, but I also can’t always differentiate between something totally innocent and something I should be worried about. For example I didn’t think I should ever kiss my own child on the mouth and was really shocked and uncomfortable the first time DS did it to me. But then I got some trusted advice and realised if I pushed him away and made him feel bad for it, that could be just as harmful.

I have a really good relationship with SIL and she and DN adore DS. Also, MIL has respected what we said right at the beginning and turns her head when DS kisses her goodbye so he gets her cheek. I just don’t want to cause a problem if it’s me being overly sensitive.

YABU - it’s fine for cousins/aunts to kiss on the mouth

YANBU - you need to speak to them and ask them to stop kissing him on the mouth

OP posts:
5128gap · 26/02/2025 13:07

Can you just tell SiL that you're trying to encourage DS away from lip kissing as when he's around other children it might not be well recieved? And can they help you by discouraging it with them?

Original poster
GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 13:11

5128gap · 26/02/2025 13:07

Can you just tell SiL that you're trying to encourage DS away from lip kissing as when he's around other children it might not be well recieved? And can they help you by discouraging it with them?

That’s a good idea. DH or I would have to speak to DN directly as well though because SIL doesn’t like to upset her so might not pass the message on.

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 26/02/2025 13:13

I think you need to gently ask DN to stop doing this, and SIL too.

I'm so sorry to hear about your SA but being truly honest i do think this is one of those situations where something innocent is ringing alarm bells for the wrong reasons. That said, you could do without this stress whether it's logical or not so let them know how you feel. I appreciate you may not want them to know about the SA. I think asking for no face kissing is a step too far, a kiss on the cheek is absolutely fine.

PeppyTealDuck · 26/02/2025 13:14

I personally wouldn’t have a problem with it but I am not his mum, you are, and you have some horrible experience that might contribute to it, it is completely understandable. I like PP’s suggestion, just tell them you are discouraging it and show that you are firm about this.

PeppyTealDuck · 26/02/2025 13:16

Your H should also realise how important this is for you, you are more likely to get the message across if you are fully in agreement.

Arabella3 · 26/02/2025 13:26

It wouldn’t make me think it’s inappropriate in that sense, but it’s pretty gross. Just tell them your son’s getting repeated colds and no more kissing on the face. Toddlers get enough germs and are still building their immune systems.

I wouldn’t want her posting videos on her social media either.

Original poster
GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 13:31

Dontlletmedownbruce · 26/02/2025 13:13

I think you need to gently ask DN to stop doing this, and SIL too.

I'm so sorry to hear about your SA but being truly honest i do think this is one of those situations where something innocent is ringing alarm bells for the wrong reasons. That said, you could do without this stress whether it's logical or not so let them know how you feel. I appreciate you may not want them to know about the SA. I think asking for no face kissing is a step too far, a kiss on the cheek is absolutely fine.

Thank you. I’m aware I can be overly sensitive but also that DH is sometimes a bit adverse to ‘conflict’ so I just wanted to get an outside perspective.

Cheek kisses wouldn’t bother me (other than when he was a tiny baby).

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 26/02/2025 13:32

This wouldn't bother me.

Original poster
GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 13:32

PeppyTealDuck · 26/02/2025 13:16

Your H should also realise how important this is for you, you are more likely to get the message across if you are fully in agreement.

He will support me if I push the issue but I didn’t want to if I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 13:34

Arabella3 · 26/02/2025 13:26

It wouldn’t make me think it’s inappropriate in that sense, but it’s pretty gross. Just tell them your son’s getting repeated colds and no more kissing on the face. Toddlers get enough germs and are still building their immune systems.

I wouldn’t want her posting videos on her social media either.

The social media thing is another issue that has been a slow creep. We said no social media at all and it seemed DN listened but it turns out she’d put some privacy filter on her social media so DH and I could only see some of her posts. She’s been putting videos and photos up of him for well over a year with his name on them and everything 🙄

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 26/02/2025 13:38

I don't think it's anything to get get up about. Kissing on the cheek is entirely normal in this country, why would you say no kissing on the face?

Parkingmad1 · 26/02/2025 13:47

My issue would be more about them posting a video of your child on social media, especially in a sleepy state which is his safe place. Children are very vulnerable especially at times of sleeping and waking. I'd hate for my dc to be on social media unknowingly eg while asleep

ItGhoul · 26/02/2025 13:55

I think you are definitely being hyper-sensitive about this, but that's understandable, given what's happened to you in the past.

If you really, really don't want family members kissing your toddler on the lips, then maybe your DH could broach it with them. But I don't think you need to be concerned; it isn't weird or inappropriate.

I also think if you're going to go down the route of 'Someone who kisses my baby might once have kissed someone else who might have once had a cold sore' you are going to end up in one hell of anxiety spiral, because that could be true of literally anyone, including you or your DH or any other child that your child will have contact with at nursery etc. If someone has actually has a cold sore, obviously don't let them kiss your child! But you really cannot reasonably start getting into the realms of wondering whether someone who kisses your child, without a cold sore, might have once kissed someone without a cold sore but who might in theory have had one in the past.

INeedAnotherName · 26/02/2025 13:59

Some people kiss everyone on the lips, others only kiss their lovers on the lips. I am in the latter group so it makes me very uncomfortable to see children kissing others on the lips.

It's just another one of those slow creeps against boundaries surrounding children. You only have to see it on here regarding threads about buying stuff for children on Valentines Day which is supposed to be about lovers, not loved ones.

You are not alone in your feelings and it's nothing to do with SA.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/02/2025 14:03

It's a hard no from me. Incomprehensible . We never kissed our dc on the lips and neither did anyone else. Just as our family didn't kiss us on the lips.

TrainGame · 26/02/2025 14:06

What do you think when you see David Beckham kiss his daughter on the lips?

id say your past is not your future, nor your DS’s future and perhaps you’re projecting a bit too much.

It’s completely understandable given your past and I’ve very very sorry beyond words can say that you had to go through that, but I’d potentially consider further therapy to see if you can adjust.

None of these people are going to harm your DS? Or are they? I can see why it gives you trouble but what further work can you do to lessen your fear? There are real dangers and perceived dangers. I hope you can find a way forward.

Helene8 · 26/02/2025 14:22

Arabella3 · 26/02/2025 13:26

It wouldn’t make me think it’s inappropriate in that sense, but it’s pretty gross. Just tell them your son’s getting repeated colds and no more kissing on the face. Toddlers get enough germs and are still building their immune systems.

I wouldn’t want her posting videos on her social media either.

"DN, please can you not kiss him on the lips? He kissed a DC with a snotty nose at playgroup last week so I'm not surprised he keeps getting infections. The DC's mum didn't look impressed with him doing it either and neither would I be if a DC kissed him on the lips. Thank you for respecting that wish and only kissing him on the forehead."

Octonaut4Life · 26/02/2025 14:26

RosesAndHellebores · 26/02/2025 14:03

It's a hard no from me. Incomprehensible . We never kissed our dc on the lips and neither did anyone else. Just as our family didn't kiss us on the lips.

It's so sad to me to see comments like this. It's certainly not "incomprehensible", it's a perfectly normal expression of affection between close family members. If you're uncomfortable with it because of your background OP that's understandable, but your son may feel quite upset if he's used to kissing them on the lips and they suddenly stop letting him do that.

Downtoearthandsinksthesun · 26/02/2025 14:37

I never kissed my children on the lips, smothered them with kisses all over their face but never the lips. I see parents do it all the time and that is their way and I have mine, nothing wrong with it. I just don't like it with my own kids, I certainly wouldn't want anyone else doing it to my kids no matter if it was my mother or sister or niece. I don't think it is inappropriate but it just makes me uncomfortable. It doesn't make it wrong.

I do not know however how fully grown women can full on kiss their parents on the mouth. My friend kisses her dad like this and it just looks weird, I can't imagine doing it. Like it's a full on smacker on the lips, just no.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/02/2025 15:01

Octonaut4Life · 26/02/2025 14:26

It's so sad to me to see comments like this. It's certainly not "incomprehensible", it's a perfectly normal expression of affection between close family members. If you're uncomfortable with it because of your background OP that's understandable, but your son may feel quite upset if he's used to kissing them on the lips and they suddenly stop letting him do that.

Show quote history

Well I think it's normal and that lip kissing is for lovers and privately. It crosses a boundary for me.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 26/02/2025 15:16

It doesn't matter what anyone else may think about it. You as his mum dont like it so that's all there is to it. I would have a firm word with dn directly with dh in the room, telling her in no uncertain terms you're aware she's still posting on social media and she's not to in future and you don't want her kissing ds on lips. Then inform her mother and your mil that you both expect them to reinforce this when she is around your ds. Be polite and warm but firm. It sounds like everyone tiptoes around her and as a 14 year old child that has to stop and she needs to learn how to respect boundaries. She's proven to be sneaky so I wouldn't give her an inch.

Helene8 · 26/02/2025 15:21

Forgot to add OP that I've never kissed mine on the lips nor has DH or relatives. No trauma. Just think there's no need when cheeks and foreheads and hands etc suffice.

eyeeyeeyeeyeeye · 26/02/2025 15:22

My dad tried to kiss me on the lips the once I was mortified 🤣

Newtrix · 26/02/2025 15:23

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 13:34

The social media thing is another issue that has been a slow creep. We said no social media at all and it seemed DN listened but it turns out she’d put some privacy filter on her social media so DH and I could only see some of her posts. She’s been putting videos and photos up of him for well over a year with his name on them and everything 🙄

Show quote history

This would piss me off way more than the kissing. That's very sneaky and underhand.

Helene8 · 26/02/2025 15:26

And please do remind her about your expectation around social media. It's not too late to reinstate something even if you're worried it has slid.

Someone (a stranger) followed us and took photos of my DC recently and a discussion with a police officer about it really opened my eyes to crime involving children from AI to trafficking. I know that sounds dramatic and most people are decent but I take a hard line with social media and I don't care who I offend. Discussions like the one I had reminded me I wasn't being unreasonable in not letting my family put my DC on SM, which they say I am.

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