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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think lip kissing isn’t appropriate

39 replies

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 13:01

DS is 2 and DN (SIL’s daughter) is 14. When DS was born we made it very clear he wasn’t to be kissed on the face. This was listened to but over time has slipped so they would kiss him on the cheek. He’s a very affectionate boy so he decided that he wanted to kiss me and DH on the lips. I’d always kissed him on his cheek but he obviously sees DH and I peck on the lips when we say goodbye to each other. However, recently DN and SIL have been kissing him on the lips to say goodbye. I was thrown at first then just told myself I was being overly sensitive.

Last week, MIL was looking after DS at our house and DN posted a video on her social media of her with DS in his bedroom where she’d gone to get him up from his nap, and she pecks him on the lips in the video. I felt really uncomfortable but hadn’t said anything. I brought it up with DH today and he pulled a face indicating he thought it was a bit odd but then said it wasn’t anything to worry about and DS would naturally stop kissing them on the lips when he got a bit older.

DN also has a boyfriend and I explained that even just from a health point of view I wasn’t happy, because I don’t know the boy but do know that cold sores are easily spread and are a lifelong issues once contracted.

To add, due to childhood SA my internal warning system can be a bit skewed. It’s good in that I notice things other people may not, but I also can’t always differentiate between something totally innocent and something I should be worried about. For example I didn’t think I should ever kiss my own child on the mouth and was really shocked and uncomfortable the first time DS did it to me. But then I got some trusted advice and realised if I pushed him away and made him feel bad for it, that could be just as harmful.

I have a really good relationship with SIL and she and DN adore DS. Also, MIL has respected what we said right at the beginning and turns her head when DS kisses her goodbye so he gets her cheek. I just don’t want to cause a problem if it’s me being overly sensitive.

YABU - it’s fine for cousins/aunts to kiss on the mouth

YANBU - you need to speak to them and ask them to stop kissing him on the mouth

OP posts:

Original poster

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 15:34

RedHelenB · 26/02/2025 13:38

I don't think it's anything to get get up about. Kissing on the cheek is entirely normal in this country, why would you say no kissing on the face?

Kissing on cheek fine now, just when he was a newborn I said not to. It’s the kissing on the lips that’s bothering me.

OP posts:

Original poster

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 15:35

Parkingmad1 · 26/02/2025 13:47

My issue would be more about them posting a video of your child on social media, especially in a sleepy state which is his safe place. Children are very vulnerable especially at times of sleeping and waking. I'd hate for my dc to be on social media unknowingly eg while asleep

The social media is definitely and issue for me but I appreciate how big a part of life it is for teens and she’s proud to show off her cousin so I want to be tactful.

OP posts:

Original poster

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 15:37

ItGhoul · 26/02/2025 13:55

I think you are definitely being hyper-sensitive about this, but that's understandable, given what's happened to you in the past.

If you really, really don't want family members kissing your toddler on the lips, then maybe your DH could broach it with them. But I don't think you need to be concerned; it isn't weird or inappropriate.

I also think if you're going to go down the route of 'Someone who kisses my baby might once have kissed someone else who might have once had a cold sore' you are going to end up in one hell of anxiety spiral, because that could be true of literally anyone, including you or your DH or any other child that your child will have contact with at nursery etc. If someone has actually has a cold sore, obviously don't let them kiss your child! But you really cannot reasonably start getting into the realms of wondering whether someone who kisses your child, without a cold sore, might have once kissed someone without a cold sore but who might in theory have had one in the past.

Yep, that’s fair.

OP posts:

Original poster

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 15:38

INeedAnotherName · 26/02/2025 13:59

Some people kiss everyone on the lips, others only kiss their lovers on the lips. I am in the latter group so it makes me very uncomfortable to see children kissing others on the lips.

It's just another one of those slow creeps against boundaries surrounding children. You only have to see it on here regarding threads about buying stuff for children on Valentines Day which is supposed to be about lovers, not loved ones.

You are not alone in your feelings and it's nothing to do with SA.

Thank you. I did think that I might be blowing it out of proportion but it’s nice that it’s not competing crazy to be a bit uncomfortable with it.

OP posts:

butterdish93 · 26/02/2025 15:39

The kissing wouldn't bother me but her posting him to social media really would. I think you need to talk to her gently about your boundaries with your child.

Original poster

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 15:40

RosesAndHellebores · 26/02/2025 14:03

It's a hard no from me. Incomprehensible . We never kissed our dc on the lips and neither did anyone else. Just as our family didn't kiss us on the lips.

I had a friend look at me very strangely when I said I wouldn’t kiss my children on the lips. I do now as DS initiated it.

OP posts:

Original poster

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 15:42

TrainGame · 26/02/2025 14:06

What do you think when you see David Beckham kiss his daughter on the lips?

id say your past is not your future, nor your DS’s future and perhaps you’re projecting a bit too much.

It’s completely understandable given your past and I’ve very very sorry beyond words can say that you had to go through that, but I’d potentially consider further therapy to see if you can adjust.

None of these people are going to harm your DS? Or are they? I can see why it gives you trouble but what further work can you do to lessen your fear? There are real dangers and perceived dangers. I hope you can find a way forward.

To be honest it makes me uncomfortable. The thing is, I should’ve been completely safe when I went through what I did and there was no reason to think I wouldn’t be.

I have worked through a lot which is how I’m even able to leave him with in-laws but I appreciate there’s a way to go. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely ‘over it’ as in it will likely always taint my viewpoint.

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2025 15:46

Kissing on lips can spread cold sores so therefore it’s not ok and shouldn’t be done. It really is that simpleZ

Original poster

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 15:47

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 26/02/2025 15:16

It doesn't matter what anyone else may think about it. You as his mum dont like it so that's all there is to it. I would have a firm word with dn directly with dh in the room, telling her in no uncertain terms you're aware she's still posting on social media and she's not to in future and you don't want her kissing ds on lips. Then inform her mother and your mil that you both expect them to reinforce this when she is around your ds. Be polite and warm but firm. It sounds like everyone tiptoes around her and as a 14 year old child that has to stop and she needs to learn how to respect boundaries. She's proven to be sneaky so I wouldn't give her an inch.

I’m in two minds about it as DN has some other stuff going on that’s a bit outing and I don’t want to give her reason to hide social media from us again.

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 26/02/2025 15:48

I wouldn’t even attempt to be tactful re the social media posts, her behaviour is extremely sly and underhand.

I would be more blunt about lip kissing now too. She is 14 not 4. It doesn’t matter whether she/her mother think it is reasonable, it actually doesn’t matter, he is your child.

If they can’t respect your not exactly outrageous requests, I would scale back the contact they have with him, certainly without you and/or your husband present.

Everydayimhuffling · 26/02/2025 15:48

I don't kiss my kids on the lips or allow them to kiss me on the mouth either. I would say something like, just to remind you, we prefer if no one kisses DC on the lips because we are concerned about germs and don't want him doing that to other kids at nursery. I personally find it a bit gross and inappropriate, but I wouldn't give that as my reason. I think I'd do it myself so I could say exactly what I wanted to, even though it's DH's family.

I'd also remind them about social media and why, especially the name part. Do that on a different day though!

Original poster

GollyGoshandDarn · 26/02/2025 15:48

Newtrix · 26/02/2025 15:23

This would piss me off way more than the kissing. That's very sneaky and underhand.

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I agree

OP posts:

Coloursofthewind2 · 26/02/2025 16:26

I would bring up the social media issue to the parents of the 14 year old in the first instance.

The kissing thing I would say you're trying to teach your child not to kiss people on the lips (except mummy or daddy) to protect him and safeguard him. They might roll eyes a bit but should respect what you say.

TheDevilWearPrimarni · 26/02/2025 17:23

RosesAndHellebores · 26/02/2025 14:03

It's a hard no from me. Incomprehensible . We never kissed our dc on the lips and neither did anyone else. Just as our family didn't kiss us on the lips.

This ^^
I would not expect to kiss or be kissed on the lips by anyone other than DH. Not appropriate in my opinion. We never kissed our DC on the lips.
Also I wouldn't want my child to catch cold sores off anyone. I'm 8n my 60s and I've never had a cold sore. DH occasionally gets one but make a point of not kissing then.

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