Dog walks - would this bother you?

[Parisadventurer]

I have been in an abusive relationship before so worry that I jump to something feeling controlling when it might not be. My BF and I rehomed a Labrador 9 months ago (he has no known behaviour issues and very friendly, coming up for 3 years old and we rehomed him due to owner illness). I haven't had a dog of my own other than with my parents so I will admit he had more knowledge in this than me.

We have been doing our own training with the dog, the only slight issue we had was that he gets very excited on walks if going to the park so had to work on this but pretty much resolved. My BF is constantly giving me feedback when I am walking the dog and keeps increasing expectations. So for example, he is walking really well now and doesn't pull at all. If he walks one step infront of my BF, he will stop and shout "heel" sternly and keep doing this unless the dog is walking behind him. He wants me to do the same so will spend the entire walk with a running commentary of what I need to do when the dog does X. Also tells me I am rewarding the dog too much by saying "good" when he does well and he wants me to be silent on walks with him. This is one example but feels like everything I do with the dog, I'm being trained. I have been suggesting taking out the dog myself as it's exhausting and makes the walk so unenjoyable for me and dog.

I have told him all this and he says he just wants the dog to be well behaved but I feel it's excessive and I'm a bit sick of being criticized on every walk?

Dogs especially labs are very clever, they usually get to know what each person expects of them and can behave accordingly. My dog for example walks very gently at the side of my mother all the time; whereas will walk for me to heel on a collar, but on a harness knows that he can just stop and sniff and prat about.

Quite frankly I find a dog walking to heel the whole time a pain in the arse, so don't ask for it as much as I should.

You BF should have the relationship he wants with the dog and allow you to do the same.

Yes and I do understand the need for him to be well trained. It feels like I don't have autonomy on how to treat my dog which then leads me to feeling controlled. It's not that I'm going to let the dog have a free for all but I'm just a bit more relaxed and want the dog to enjoy walks too rather than it being military training!

YANBU at all. Walks are supposed to be enjoyable.

My DP and I have slightly different expectations on walks, our dog understands this and is a good girl in different ways for each of us.

Those sound like very joyless walks for both dog and you. The whole point of going on a dog walk is for the dog to enjoy it and get exercise and stimulation, as well as you. It sounds like he's a control freak and I wouldn't be with anyone who treated dogs like that. My dogs are very important to me and it's a test for potential partners how well they treat my dogs. If they did this, they'd be gone.

Oh blimey. How annoying for you OP.

We also have a lab. My DH and I hardly ever walk him routinely together as we both do it so differently.

It's not fun for anyone or your lovely dog when everyone has their different expectations.

You walk your dog your way. As long as he's safe, loved and not a danger to anyone, you're doing it right.

Just as an aside, you and your partner may not be long-term compatible. Have you got clear ownership in your mind as to who the dog belongs to should things go wrong? Legally is it his dog or yours?

You can’t be doing with that. Keep the dog but lose the bf, he sounds far too serious. You can’t deny the poor doggy his natural instincts, I am speaking as a non owner by the way.

Is the dog yours? As in registered in your name? If it is I'd be considering taking the dog and leaving. I know that seems excessive but I couldn't be happy with someone who thinks a dog should behave like an automated toy and stick to your heel while walking. The ideal walk is the dog being under control but allowed to sniff wherever it pleases, this is so important and enriching for the dog. The excitement and pleasure the dogs get from sniffing new scents is wonderful to see. Your bf seems a little to controlling for me to be happy.

'Honestly DP, I'm not enjoying the joint dog walks. It's important that he's well behaved but I feel like I'm under training too & it's not relaxing.
Why don't you take Dog in the morning and I'll take him in the evening.'

If he agrees, or says he didn't realise how he was making you feel and he'll try to relax (and actually does that) then you're all good.

If he says your not allowed to do that or kicks off, then you have a problem...
Remind him you're a grown adult, you're capable of walking a dog without his instruction and your life is yours live without anyone else's permission.

I actually prefer my lab slightly in front so I can see what she is eating because she is an eternal dustbin. At my side I can't see her. I agree with PP that they very quickly learn different rules for different walkers. She is so gentle when my ds walks her, but pulls for dh because he is strong enough to let her. For me she walks about half a stride in front.

Hmm I can't remember who we registered the microchip to so need to work out how to check but he is registered at the vets under me. I feel bad that the dog isn't getting to enjoy the walks the way I want him to either and constantly being punished for doing a minor thing "wrong". I'm trying to minimise it by taking him out by myself more but then means at weekends I'm actively avoiding us all going somewhere for a big walk together as it's just so unenjoyable. I know we all have different expectations of how we want our dog to behave but I'm feeling like I'm not being listened to. Again I've told him all this but it's dismissed as being in the best interests of the dog.

He sounds like a joyless and controlling tyrant. Your dog is supposed to be a pet and he's being punished for being a happy 3 year old dog. I don't get when people try and train away any personality from a perfectly reasonably behaved pet. Make sure you are the registered owner so you can leave with the dog if you need to and don't have kids with this guy. He isn't equipped for that.

I really don’t understand why he doesn’t want you to talk to the dog or reward it. Those are two really basic relationship building blocks that will give you a happier - and more obedient - dog.

Who is named on the adoption paperwork?

If you think splitting is even the remotest possibility and you want to keep the dog, I would check the adoption paperwork (bit late now, but you'll know where you stand), register the chip to you (you can list him as a secondary contact, and make sure you can document that you pay all food, insurance and vet bills.

Food is easy, just order it online using your account- it doesn't come out of household budget. Just be really relaxed with 'dog' expenses with him and don't chase him for money. Hopefully he wont realise.

This would bother me, labradors are very clever,if you start walking alone with your dog,you will see a calmer happier dog enjoying his/her walk.ask partner to train the dog or leave you do it your way.a walk is a very exciting part of a dogs day.i like my Labrador well behaved,trained her as best I could.and now walks are fun.as long as she says close to me which she does and does not pull on lead I'm happy to enjoy walks..I would

This doesn’t look good. He’s being controlling of you and the dog. I think your instincts are being alerted for a good reason OP.

Training is obviously very important but the whole point of a walk is exercise and mental stimulation for the dog. They need to be able to sniff, explore, socialise, run. My old dog used to sniff every blade of grass along our road and as annoying as that was for me, it was his time for enjoyment. I’d have a word with your partner and remind him the dog needs to enjoy his walks instead of being shouted at and/or ignored.

Is this the only thing your boyfriend does that makes you feel he's being controlling? It doesn't sound like you're both on the same page when it comes to expectations of the dog's behaviour and this should be able to be resolved in discussion and reaching some sort of compromise and consensus. If your boyfriend is dismissive of your point of view and insists it's his way or the highway, that speaks of a greater problem in your relationship.

Wow your boyfriend really likes being the boss hey, both of the dog and you. I would be saying goodbye to this relationship.

How men treat animals is very telling

I have never trained my dog to walk to heel because I want her to have freedom to sniff and enjoy walks. However, I know other owners who do heel walk. Different owners have different views on this, so him wanting a very obedient dog walking to heel is just his preference and not ‘best for the dog’.

I’d be more concerned about him not listening to your point of view. You don’t want to be constantly corrected on walks, so tell him to keep his mouth shut.

If I'm honest no, there's been other stuff like snapping at me to sit up properly on a few occasions and he used to criticize my driving and really stress me out so I don't really drive us now. But as I say I think I'm sensitive to feeling like any criticism is controlling after prior relationship. I have brought it up and there's been no change so probably all feeding into the feeling controlled

I think some PPs have massively jumped to conclusions here about your BF. I am a massive advocate for positive reinforcement, shouting at dogs or being stern and silent is not my way of training, but I don't think it means he's being abusive and you should LTB fgs! Some people are just old-fashioned and uninformed.

I think it is really important to get a dog trained and under control early. We got a puppy, not a rescue, but honestly walks weren't enjoyable with her for maybe 18 months? It is really hard work! The joy comes later, when they're trained. But if you don't put the effort in now you don't get the payoff later.

What I'd advise is finding a trainer, someone external so it's not your opinions vs BF's opinions. Look for positive reinforement, no aversives. I'm amazed how quickly you've jumped to checking who he's registered under, unless there are more issues with the BF (but if so, why adopt a dog together?).

Edit - cross post there. Snapping about your posture is mad, but I think criticising each other's driving is fairly normal in relationships (to an extent).

Sounds like a control freak who enjoys dominating your dog. Please take the dog with you when you leave.

I think it’s far more likely you have found yourself in another relationship with a controlling man than you being overly sensitive. It’s very common to get into that situation repeatedly if you have already been conditioned to accept it, even if you think you are alert to all the signs. I’m also one of those people.

I would either be telling him I has spoken to a dog trainer and was following their advice, or suggest you go to training classes together so you are both on the same page.