Dog walks - would this bother you?

[Parisadventurer]

I have been in an abusive relationship before so worry that I jump to something feeling controlling when it might not be. My BF and I rehomed a Labrador 9 months ago (he has no known behaviour issues and very friendly, coming up for 3 years old and we rehomed him due to owner illness). I haven't had a dog of my own other than with my parents so I will admit he had more knowledge in this than me.

We have been doing our own training with the dog, the only slight issue we had was that he gets very excited on walks if going to the park so had to work on this but pretty much resolved. My BF is constantly giving me feedback when I am walking the dog and keeps increasing expectations. So for example, he is walking really well now and doesn't pull at all. If he walks one step infront of my BF, he will stop and shout "heel" sternly and keep doing this unless the dog is walking behind him. He wants me to do the same so will spend the entire walk with a running commentary of what I need to do when the dog does X. Also tells me I am rewarding the dog too much by saying "good" when he does well and he wants me to be silent on walks with him. This is one example but feels like everything I do with the dog, I'm being trained. I have been suggesting taking out the dog myself as it's exhausting and makes the walk so unenjoyable for me and dog.

I have told him all this and he says he just wants the dog to be well behaved but I feel it's excessive and I'm a bit sick of being criticized on every walk?

I know you think you might be sensitive given your previous relationship but honestly, I would be very uncomfortable with what you've described. He shouldn't be treating you this way. There are red flags and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who tells me to sit up, how to drive, how to behave with the dog. Don't let yourself be sucked in to changing your behaviour to suit him, it's a slippery slope. If I were you, I'd be ending this relationship.

@Endofyear I agree with you. OP your behaviour has already been altered as you now avoid driving if he's in the car and you avoid going on dog walks if he's there. There is something not healthy at all about that and he is causing that.

OP, please leave this complete arsehole of a control freak. He knows fuck all about dogs. The only thing he knows about is being a bully. Please take the dog with you when you leave, don't let this man ruin your life and the poor dog's.

I used to go out with someone like your partner. He had a dog (she wasn’t mine) and he was so strict with her it was horrible. Would blow up at her for putting even a tiny claw out of line (most of the time I couldn’t understand what she had even done wrong) she was scared of him and he was physical with her on more than one occasion. Guess what? He started treating me this way too - snapping and shouting at me for the tiniest transgressions.

Long story short, I got rid of him and kept his dog.

I varied walks where sometimes my dog was very controlled with some training going on but most were well, free form where he could wander and sniff the manhole covers and big rocks and get petted and interact with people and dogs he knew. He only went off lead in dog parks because we have leash laws here.

I would ask your BF to let you walk the dog independently, without his constantly correcting you and the dog. Dogs do behave differently for different people and different people walk the same dog differently. If your dog is behaving well for you, that's what matters.

Your BF sounds very controlling. Criticizing your posture? Come on. He's likely getting comfortable and the controlling is starting to ramp up.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel this way.
I don't have a dog currently but this behaviour makes me think of raising a child - you need to have a general plan in place and be on the same page but you also need to let each person develop their own relationship with the child and that sometimes means that the exact ideal standards aren't always met but if you're constantly criticising the way the other person does it then they're not going to be able to have a proper relationship and everything ends up being done by one person 'the perfectionist' which isn't realistic.
If your partner is like this with other aspects of your life then I do personally think its cause for concern. Seeing that he's made you stop driving because of his criticisms I think he's not going to change and this will be a constant issue in your relationship if you choose to stay because the precedent has already been set that you change your behaviour or stop altogether to avoid his comments.

Your BF is a Dictator. What makes him think he can tell you what to do or "correct" ANYTHING about you?

Please, bin him as a really awful person. You can do far, far better than him.

Its not about LTB, its about being aware of the dog ownership situation before you get too emotionally attached. Often you see couples getting a dog together as a practice run before having kids, and then they see sides of a personality that they dont like. Dogs a treated as property by the law, having a plan or awareness of what happens to pets in the event of a split is just a practicality like having a deed of trust for a house.

Please be wary OP. He honestly does sound controlling tbh. If you're having to change your behaviour to appease someone, that's controlling. Sadly, being in a controlling relationship before makes it more likely, not less, that history will repeat itself. The good news is, this time around you've realised and can take steps to free yourself (and the dog) from this control freak. Good luck in your new life 💐

Sounds like he is going for the "alpha" strategy of dog training. It's bullshit and awful for dogs.

Walk the dog alone, it will be much more enjoyable.

I wasn't talking to/about you, but the posters who said to leave... So yes, it was about LTB.

He sounds like a control freak. Why would the dog need to walk to heel at all times? I agree this is important in certain situations (next to a road etc) but for the duration of the walk? How is that fun for the dog or human? Also it’s a Labrador not a dominant Cane Corso, so what’s he expecting to happen if the dog isn’t “obeying” at all times? Dogs need time to behave in a normal manner which is moving at their own pace and sniffing. He needs to get a grip.

I start to doubt myself when I see all these responses saying LTB as I think I'm just jumping to conclusions but realistically I don't think the behaviour with the dog is normal. Plus it's happening on a daily basis so just wears you out

Nope his behaviour around the dog is not normal or kind, neither is his behaviour around you. I'm sure he is kind to you sometimes, all abusive people are, but he's working hard at knocking your confidence in areas such as driving and looking after your pet.

I always feel sorry for any dog endlessly dragged away from all the alluring scents enticing them en route. And how are they supposed to check their
P-mails if they can’t have a good sniff at lampposts?

I call them pee-mails too!😆

Dog walks are for the benefit of the dog. How can the dog enjoy his walk and sniff if he's constantly being route marched and not allowed to actually behave like a dog?

Your boyfriend sounds like a prick.

Your boyfriend's training method is incorrect.

"Heel" is a command/instruction meaning "walk by my side."
"No" said in an appropriate tone of voice (the severity will depend on the dog) is the corrective word used when the dog is ahead of you (or does anythingelse you don't want him doing.)
"Good" or "Good boy" is used as soon as the dog falls in by your side or is walking correctly (or does anythingelse worthy of praise.)
There is no need for your boyfriend to shout, dogs have considerably better hearing than humans do!
Labs are powerful dogs so I understand why your boyfriend wants your dog to be in the correct walking position and it is important to be consistent.
However, you are also right in that it's very important to balance correction with praise; and Labs want to please their owners so praise is very important.
I think you are both in the right here but for different reasons.

Surely the correct walking position is only for short periods of the walk though..? Otherwise what's the point in the walk?

That's beside the point though. Telling you to sit up properly, not allowing you an opinion, telling you how to drive? Nope nope nope. Run!

His treatment of the dog is indeed a red flag. 🚩

His treatment of you also seems 🚩

Please re start driving!

I’m sure you and your dog would be much happier without him in your lives. Please don’t put up with this behaviour any longer than you need to.