What would you do if your 4yo stole something?

[itsmondayyy]

Posting for traffic. Potentially stolen - but yet to get the facts straight!

4.5 year old came home from reception with a sparkly little toy in pocket. I asked about it and she said it was "Ella's". I asked if Ella gave it to her and she said no. Then I asked if Ella knew she had it and she said yes but got cross. After that she refused to engage in the subject so I said we would chat later when she's feeling calmer. (Straight after school never a good time).

So WWYD in this scenario? (No incidents of stealing before). To begin with I will chat to her at bathtime and try to get to the bottom of it obviously. If it turns out she has stolen it should I:

1. Speak to her about stealing being wrong and unkind, then ask her to give it back to Ella tomorrow - or is this too much responsibility for a 4yo?
2. Speak to her and then hand the item back to Ella's mum with an apology.
3. Something else?

Take it off her and return it via the teacher.

Literally. Like what else is there to think about

I think you’re overthinking it. Take it off her, stern word that we don’t take things from other people and get it back to its owner.

Saying that, my twins (now 7) come back from school with all sorts. I think kids do swap things quite a bit, though it annoys me!

I would go in gently and suggest to her she gives Ella her toy back the next day as she will be missing it and will be sad. Be kind to her. She is just learning about honestly and not taking what is hers. And you don't know that Ella didn't give her it.

Don't make a big deal of it. She magpied it. Return to the teacher in front of DD and say 'DD brought this home from school but it actually belongs to Ella. Could you make sure it gets back to her please?'

Your dd clearly knows she's done wrong and is conflicted by her feelings.

I would simply say that she needs to give it back to Ella tomorrow, and remind her tomorrow morning. Talk about the rights and wrongs tomorrow afternoon, after she's given it back.

I’d go with option 2. DD did something similar at that age - stole a pretty gem out of a classmate’s blazer pocket whilst she was alone in the cloakroom, I only discovered it a few days later. Questioned her on it and eventually she admitted where it came from. I had a talk with her and explained that stealing is wrong, how would she feel if somebody took something from her without asking etc. I spoke and apologised to the boy’s mum on the playground and gave her the gem back. Wouldn’t trust a 4yo to give it back and apologise independently!

She learnt her lesson and never did it again

Do you know Ella's Mum? Do you have her contact number? If so I would message ask what story Ella told her, then go from there. If it has indeed been taken from Ella without her permission arrange to meet in the playground in the morning so your DD can give it back and apologize.

It's not the end of the world they are 4 it happens your DD isn't the first and won't be the last but she does need to be told it is wrong to take things from others and she does need to do the apologizing herself.

2 But the apology comes from DD. It should be relatively matter-of- fact though, don't try to embarrass her beyond the returning and apology.

DD stole a little toy from a shop at 4. We turned right around and have it in to the (confused) customer service desk. DD was very upset and embarrassed even though that's all we did. She hasn't done it since.

We've had this exact situation. I told her not to take things that weren't hers and gave it to the teacher to be returned.

Just give it to the teacher to give to Ella. Tell your child not to bring home things that don’t belong to her. Don’t make a massive deal about it, she’s only 4.

Call 101, they'll be able to advise

I'm definitely not planning to make a big deal. I'm just trying to think through the best way of managing it.

There's nothing to manage.

You explain to her in the morning, that she shouldn't take other people's things and she'll have to return it.

Just get your daughter to give it teacher at drop off, explaining she took it home and it actually belongs to Ella.

Don't let your daughter take toys in to school. Remind her that Ella shouldn't have had it at school anyway.

Personally, I'd day that sparkly toy is lovely but it doesn't belong to you and always remember you must be kind and not take things from your friends just as they shouldn't to you. Then just pass it to the teach next time.

Don’t be ridiculous. Two wrongs don’t make a right

This is a hard one because kids often say “you can take it home if you like” when it comes to small objects/hair bands etc. and they’re expected back in school the next day.

I’d say “okay well I hope you haven’t taken it from Ella without asking because otherwise the teacher will be very cross as that is stealing and that is wrong… let’s give it back to Ella tomorrow.”
When you drop DC off make it a thing “DC is giving this back to Ella today, can you help make sure it gets to Ella please”.

You can’t necessarily punish as you can’t say with certainty that they stole it.

Agree with return via teacher. Whether Ella gave it to her or dd took it, teacher will hopefully tell Ella not to bring toys in and dd will accept that presents from school friends are at parties only.

I'd agree with returning it via the teacher. That's what we've been asked to do at DS school. I think it's quite a common occurrence.

I'd check if she did steal it or whether her friend let her have it.

That said I was a bugger for being light fingered at that age, my mum had to take me into class and (given this was in the 1980s) I got a bollocking and didn't do it again

She's four years old. She has no understanding of what's her's and what's not her's or right from wrong at that age. Just explain you found it and it'll be fine. Won't be the first time they've had similar happen.

Yes this.

Just tell the teacher it came home and needs to returned, you think to Ella.

Talk to the teacher.

Just take the toy is, say DD brought it home and share the exchange and give the toy to the teacher. They can get to the bottom if it.

Don't overblow it, she's four. She brought back a sparkly you. You say 'We need to make sure that gets back to Ella' and give it to the teacher.

She probably can't even remember whether Ella gave it to her or not.

Some of these replies are very overwrought This happens all the same in junior classes, they're so young.

I'd be very breezy about it:
"Oh, this is Ella's? We'll have to give it back to her tomorrow, she'll be missing it!"

Then I'd give it back to mum directly if you know her ("This came home with Lucy yesterday, I think it might be Ella's?") or via the teacher, who will be very used to this scenario.

I would not chastise a 4yo, or use the words 'steal' or 'thief'. It's quite possible Ella told her she could have it - and you can reiterate your house rule that we don't bring home other people's things, even when given permission - and if not then it's a very common impulse which she will learn to control.