To be angry I can’t practice self care

[Prinnyj]

I’m so fustrated writing this. My life feels so dull and pointless at the moment. I’m struggling to find enjoyment in anything. DH and I moved houses a couple months ago, and now I can’t find any time for myself. I’m in a beautiful new area but can’t explore it and it’s awful. We have two dc very young. Dc2 is 9 months now and can be watched for an extended period by dad who is self employed. He can’t find any time away from his busy schedule to watch the kids. This has been going on for a while and I’ve had to keep rearranging dental appointments to accommodate his busy work life in the past despite being in severe pain. This was at his request. Turns out I had a root canal now all my days off have to be spent sorting it out and he treats that as my time off away from the kids. As fun as getting needles in your mouth is (and you would think it’s fun judging by how guilty he makes me feel when the second I come home his complaining about how he can’t watch the kids no more) I need a serious break! My hair is literally matted and falling out. My hairdresser (last time I seen her was 7 months ago) says my hair has gotten so unhealthy from not being able to look after it. I used to be complimented all the time on my appearance now I look 30 years older than I am. Admittedly it’s hard to even get a shower; when he comes home after a long day he will get one and won’t ask if I need one to. If I ask for him to watch the kids he complains about how the bills are all on him and I can’t do his job so why is he doing mine. I would love a spa day, get my nails or eyelashes done and feel nice about myself. I feel so fustrated and insecure. He says we can’t have time for ourselves because of the kids but if he worked normal hours we could. Also the new house is too far from family to ask for their help and to be fair even if they were closer they have their own lives. I feel like just crying all day but I can’t even do that!

Oh you poor poor thing, it sounds as if he is abusing you dental appts should not be optional when you are in pain and he is holding working over you

he is a father and a husband they are not jobs they are obligations to help and look after people you care about and he is failing your miserably

Leave your horrible, horrible husband. But also, take a shower with your child in the room or when they are asleep. But mostly leave him.

If sh leaves him she will have the kids all the time and less money. Finding a nursery or babysitter would make more sense rather than trying to rely on someone starting their own business to babysit. Just think of him as unavailable and working in a desk job

Do you work OP? Does your husband need to be working these hours financially, or is it a choice?

I do think it is really hard when you have young kids, my daughter is 10 months old so I do get it, it is important though that both of you get equal “free” time. Sometimes there just isn’t any to share out, nobody manages to get a break and that is really hard, but when there is free time it is important you both take that chance to get a break.

Tell your husband that you are unhappy, feel trapped and miserable and want to move.
He either helps to make life easier for you or you move with or without him.
That's his choice.

Also why does your husband have to ask you if you need a shower? Just give him the baby or put the baby in a playpen and have a shower

I can hear your frustration in your writing OP.
First things first, do you have a bath? If so run one and take the kids in with you if needs be, or at least the baby if the older one will entertain themselves for 10 minutes.
If not get in the shower together, you need to shower regularly or you will feel awful (as I am sure you know).
I don't know how bad your hair is, can you try leaving a very thick conditioner on for 24 hours and then comb it out?
Above are the steps I would take right now.
Longer term I assume you are planning to leave the piece of shit that lets you get so worn down your hair is matted and you can't get to the dentist? He doesn't love you, no one that loved you would treat you like that....people get prosecuted for allowing their dogs to get matted hair because we know it is cruel. Think about that for a moment.

He's horrible. Dental appointments aren't treats fgs.

That being said, don't let him being a dick stop you from feeling your best. You can do some self care whilst looking after children. Just bring the youngest into the room with you along with some toys when you shower.

A mobile hairdresser/nail technician will visit you at home. Try setting your children with a snack or activity whilst you get pampered.

Explore your new area with your children too! Going to child friendly places is a great way to make friends with other mums, and even if you don't fancy socialising getting out and about is good for your mental health.

Find a way to do the things that are important to you regardless of your husband (and hopefully LTB when you're ready).

would love a spa day, get my nails or eyelashes done and feel nice about myself

I think you have a more fundamental issue here, that lashes and nails won't really help with. If you take your DH out of the question, how might you be able to get a shower, brush your teeth and hair a couple of times a day if you were a single parent? How might that be achievable? Head towards that.

Small steps, tackle the matted hair issue, get the matting dealt with and cut to a length you can cope with and commit to brushing it twice a day when you brush your teeth. Let your kids watch you do this, they need teaching how to look after themselves and that is down to you, they will copy you. Keep it up. Take a five minute shower a day, take the kids in the bathroom with you, stick the baby in a high chair and put the toddler at your feet. Or force yourself to do it when they're asleep before you get in bed. Keep it up.

A spa day won't help you, but you do need to be clean and cared for in order to look after your children. When you are clean with brushed hair you might then feel more able to go out and about with your children. Which will in turn make you feel better in general. You mention family is too far away, do you have anyone in real life who you can ask for help?

You talked about him not taking them when he's working, and tbf, that's not unreasonable although he should have made time for your dental appointments.

Do you work?

What happens at weekends? Can you book a hair appointment then.

I used to shower before the children qoke up/after they were asleep. They aren't awake 24/7 - I did my nails, hair treatments etc around their sleep times.

Dentist aside I'm not going to immediately condemn the man because there isn't enough information. Is he the sole earner? Are you asking him to look after the children whilst he's working? How much does he work?

Also, hair gets matted if you don't brush it. What is stopping you running a brush through your hair twice a day and sticking it in a bobble?

That isn't "self care" - it's a basic need that takes two minutes a day.

My advice-
Get a job
Get childcare in place
Tell 'd' h how much that is equally pay it
Save up
Leave

Depends on the hair type, I can't run a brush through my curly hair twice a day.

Neither can I, but insert method of dealing with it that works for the hair type in question. Rinse it in the shower and condition it and run a wide tooth comb through it. Whatever works.

Well his job finished at a certain time and presumably he doesn’t work 7 days a week? So you are entitled to have hours off too.

the children aren’t your job, they’re your family. Just like they’re his too. Tell him if he feels that way then you will get a job too and he will have to pay for childcare, cleaner, gardener etc.

Pretend you are a single parent, Op.
Devise ways of showering every day.

Organise outings every few days for you and the kids. There are free activities in parks, libraries, church playgroups etc

He sounds like sexist twat. Are there cultural expectations at play here? Do you work?

@Prinnyj If I ask for him to watch the kids he complains about how the bills are all on him and I can’t do his job so why is he doing mine.

Is this when he's working, or when he's having some downtime? I think this is very relevant and it's not at all clear from your post. To be honest, with two young children, one who is less than a year old, I wouldn't really expect you to be getting much (if any) time away from your kids assuming you're on mat leave/SAHM.

Lone parent working full time, had to take my daughter with me, we also travelled together, lot harder to navigate than a shower of dental appointment but saying that you have a husband who should be sharing the load with you.

It reads like he sees parenting as your job and not his, why does he get to skip being a parent!

Get a babysitter. Get yourself back to feeling normal. And then address this with your partner

I think all of us looked worse than usual when we were new mothers with babies, so you're not alone. That's life. You just forget about the beauty regime for some time - babies come first. Do you usually work? If not, I can understand your DH - he thinks it's your job to look after kids. If your youngest is 9 months, you can put him in nursery and go back to work after 3 months. But if you normally don't work, then you must be crazy expecting the sole family earner to look after kids while you go to spa! Get a nanny for that, if you can afford it. "Self care" is a euphemism for something that used to be called vanity.

Think of what you need to do for basic self care daily.
So, half an hour in the morning to start with?
This gives you time to brush your teeth, have a shower, sort out hair, moisturise, get dressed. Get your dh to look after the baby then.

Are you able to explore your area with your dc? Are there any groups you can go to?
Chat to some other adults and get to know people.
Look at local church halls and library for baby/toddler groups.
If there's a swimming pool in your area, they might do baby swim.
Or there might be buggy walks.
This is a great way to start to explore your area.

And how do you propose that she moves, if she has no money, or even the energy to do so? Why do people think that it is so easy, to just leave?

How old is second child op? While that child is asleep have other child in cot next to bathroom and get your shower every morning. Put conditioner into dry hair before shower that wash after. But do make sure you get an hour to yourself sometimes too. Do tell your dh that he does have to parent too though and don’t forget the two of you need time together too!

@LadyKenya this was more about how to bring home the message to her dh that he needs to act like a husband and father or risk losing everything.