Full of guilt for choosing to have one child

[Patternsonthewater]

My DS is 6. I had a very straightforward pregnancy and a planned c section as he was breech. I had no complications and I breastfed really well, although it was traumatic to get started - I fed him for a year.

However, I really struggled with the transition to becoming a parent, I have recently discovered I have ADHD and Autism (late diagnosed). I thought I was suffering with PND but I now realise it was the overwhelm and demands of having a baby and toddler. The first 18 months were a blur, I struggled to leave the house and I was alone all day - my parents and extended family all live the other end of the country - I moved here 10 years ago, as soon as my DH came home, I’d give him DS and I’d go upstairs or into another room to get away from it all, then Covid hit. I had a bit of a breakdown during that time.

DS is also showing signs of ND and is on the waiting list for assessment. He never slept as a baby and still struggles now, he comes into our bed every night and we have to lay with him to get him off to sleep each evening.
He is very clever, funny, quirky and loving. However, he is very demanding and high maintenance, for want of a better word. But I can’t help thinking how guilty I am that he won’t experience a sibling like me and my DH have. And I’m scared he’ll be lonely. Sometimes it seems like he is, although we do loads with him and meet up with friends a lot.

AIBU to feel like this?

We have a large family and I think my ASD teen would have had a much easier ride if we didn't! He was diagnosed a lot later and clashes with siblings with very different personalities have made our home life quite tricky at times. Especially as you understand and can accommodate him, and you will be able to craft a lot of routines and holidays with his needs at the forefront, I think it will mean home is a real refuge for him.

Well, for comparison, I have one child by choice and it never seriously occurred to me to contemplate a second, before or after his birth. I certainly wouldn't have had another child I didn't want, for any reason, and certainly not to provide an existing child with a sibling. Any decision you make will have consequences for your child, obviously -- my parents' decision to have five children they couldn't afford had significant consequences for all of us, for instance. Your child won't have a sibling, no. That's a neutral situation, not a negative. You say you're modelling good friendships for him. That's absolutely a good decision, regardless of siblings or not.

Fellow late diagnosed ADHD mother here: you're overthinking it. Many only children are very happy in life, some are not, same as children with siblings. Your mental health and well being matters more than having another child in the hope your existing child will somehow benefit.

You sound like a brilliant mum who has thought very seriously about how to prioritise the needs of her child.
You worked really hard to care for him in difficult circumstances after he was born.
You look after your own health and his.
You make a lot of effort as he is high needs.

After 6 years of being an only child, likely more by the time a new baby arrives, he quite possibly going to be thrilled at having a sibling and the age gap will be a problem in terms of playing together.

He's happy, nobody needs a sibling.

And yes, this.

I can relate OP as I have a two year old son - goes without saying I love the bones of him but struggled so much in the newborn days I just can’t see myself going back there again. Pushing 40 now and can’t see myself having a second, but do feel a massive weight of guilt worrying that he’ll be lonely.

But to give some balance, I have an older brother who was a child athlete, musical prodigy, super good looking and popular etc, while I was very much the chubby socially awkward kid and had very low self esteem until I was well into my 20s. I love my brother dearly and am glad he’s in my life, but do think I’d have been a very different person had I not grown up under his shadow. There’s no way of knowing whether his life would be better/worse for having a sibling.

I only had one child, she is adult and married now.

Im an extreme introvert and found parenting really hard, though it gets much easier as they get older.

There are so many advantages to only having one child - money and time etc. I just made sure my child could have play dates/meet-ups as often as possible. She was very close to her cousins.

She says she’s very happy being an only child, and I often tell her she is my favourite daughter and I will leave her all my money!

Though I have no evidence to back this, a happy mum is far more important to a child's development and future happiness than a sibling. I had a similar experience OP though my birth was traumatic. My daughter is ND, as most likely am I, I can give her all the time attention and peace that she needs and to advocate for her. I absolutely understand the guilt though.

We only have the one despite DH and I coming from big families.

Lots of our friends also only have the one which is great as they're keen to get together and do things at weekends etc as the kids can play together.

I'm ND and frankly like my job and hobbies. Turned out that DD is ND as well. She also has a lot of hobbies and expensive interests.

Having one has meant we can offer her opportunities that would not have been on the table if she had siblings.

You just have to make more effort to facilitate friendships when they're younger.

On the other hand, she's much better than us at making new friends - probably because we had built in companionship and people to play/fight with as kids.

Also to add, only children are far more common now and as adults they will hopefully find each other for their support networks!

Yabu. It's totally fine to have the number of children you wish. That is extremely sensible and there are pros and cons to every decision. It's great to stick at one and your child will have lots of advantages from this. Their reality is their reality. Be confident and content with your choice!

It's not too late to have another child.

Feeling guilty achieves nothing. Your one child gets all the love and attention they need, and more should they need it in future if it turns out that they are ND. I’m an only child and don’t feel I missed out on anything growing up, if anything I feel lucky that I had my parents to myself!

Don’t feel bad - I have a large sibling group and frankly, more often than not wish I was an only. They have ranged from pathetically inept to maliciously obstructive during DM death and DF ongoing chronic illness and it would have been so much easier had I just been able to deal with it all on my own. Siblings are definitely NOT always a benefit!

Another sibling does not necessarily make your existing child happier in the long run.

The age gap would be big, too big for them to really play together. They may never get on or you may have ended up having a second with severe difficulties that means you can no longer give the attention to the eldest. Money is tighter etc.

I have one sibling who has a pretty severe learning difficulty who lives with my elderly mother and who expects yours truly to give up her life to care for her when my mum eventually passes. It’s not ideal, even though I love my sister.

As you get older, your opinions change. One of things I've done the biggest about turn on is only children. We have two ourselves, and I think we rather dismissed the idea of having just one, but so many of the onlies I know seem to live charmed lives.

There are pros and cons of course, and it takes more effort from the parents IMO being the playmate over many years, but if you lean into that your son is a very lucky boy. He might be lonely, but equally he might be lonely not getting on with a sib, or jealous that they are out with friends and he is not.

There is a phrase "you can't pour from an empty cup". Essentially everyone just has the one cup and from it, they need to pour for all their children. It is easier to have enough for him if it's just him. And that is a blessing for him.

There are pros and cons for any number of children. If you don't feel able to have a second then you shouldn't. Your son will be happier with a happy healthy rested mum than with a sibling.

Forgot to add, your son is 6 already, he'd be 7 or 8 at least before a sibling was born, so unlikely to be play mates anyway. What is more likely to happen is you being torn in two directions as you try to make both happy at the same time.

I have one. She’s living the life of luxury and loves it 😂

OP, yes AIBU. What if he has a sibling he doesn’t get on with? Or they get on ok but never develop a close relationship? My brother is 7 years older than I am and has never been interested in me as a child - much preferred his friends; me too. I am not lonely because of my husband, daughter, friends, not because I have a brother who lives thousands of miles away. Or what if your next child has a severe disability and “takes you away” from your DS? - My husband’s experience. Should his parents feel guilty about that? You can always find things to feel guilty about as a parent but you don’t let them consume you.

I have two and there are a lot of great things about it but downsides too. Every additional child takes away from what you can give them in terms of time, money, energy and attention. It’s harder to tailor activities and everything else to their needs and wants.
it is also becoming a lot more common to only have one. When I was a child being an only child was rare whereas now it very normal so I imagine a lot of their friends are also only child which changes the dynamics

We had more than one child. However when our 4th child was born we had just found out our 3rd child was suspected ASD/ADHD. He's now diagnosed ASD/PDA/ ADHD
Following on from him our youngest was then diagnosed GDD and ASD.
Then our older 2 girls were diagnosed ASD.

Looking back I can honestly say we would have never had the youngest had we ever suspected our 3rd child would be such high needs.

We both were later also diagnosed ASD and I with ADHD as well.

We are now expecting again but if it wasn't for fact we managed and survived with the youngest we wouldn't be having this baby.

Things are hard. The extra costs are ridiculous. My youngest 2 children cannot share. My middle 2 do not get on and generally can't be in the same room as each other. The reality of having such varied and different needs in our household is a tricky balance, there's often a lot of clashes between the children despite the age gaps being big.

I'd genuinely say if my 3rd child was my first he would be an only child.

It sounds like you've put a fair amount of thought into why you feel the way you do so your feelings cannot be unreasonable.

I had nightmare pregnancy, birth and baby. So did plenty of other people who went on to have more kids and I could not get my head round it.

My dd was diagnosed ASD at around 12 months and I was diagnosed at the same time. So despite your 'easier' Start I suspect I feel similar to you. It was mentally extremely taxing to have a baby, there was too much going on, too many people, too much noise and activity, too much change. No way in hell I was having a second.

I did have dd laying it on thick about not having siblings at early primary age, it hurt a lot but that was too late to reconsider anyway. Now sees the advantages of being an only.

Is your DH on board? My situation was very different and dh worried about us both dying for several weeks so would never want to do it again but I'd imagine if he thought I'd sailed through it he could have been keen for a second. He'd never have pushed though.

After reading about what you went through, I think it's probably in your DC's best interests to have a happy healthy mum rather than a sibling.

I know so many more one child families nowadays than when I was younger so your DC won't be the only one. Society is changing

My daughter is six. When she was about 4 she asked for a sister, then she sussed out that the said sibling wouldn´t be born the same age as her and would be a baby and my attention would be on it and she came back some months ago to inform me that she was taking the sibling petition back. She wanted to be an only and have me to herself. Granted.