Full of guilt for choosing to have one child

[Patternsonthewater]

My DS is 6. I had a very straightforward pregnancy and a planned c section as he was breech. I had no complications and I breastfed really well, although it was traumatic to get started - I fed him for a year.

However, I really struggled with the transition to becoming a parent, I have recently discovered I have ADHD and Autism (late diagnosed). I thought I was suffering with PND but I now realise it was the overwhelm and demands of having a baby and toddler. The first 18 months were a blur, I struggled to leave the house and I was alone all day - my parents and extended family all live the other end of the country - I moved here 10 years ago, as soon as my DH came home, I’d give him DS and I’d go upstairs or into another room to get away from it all, then Covid hit. I had a bit of a breakdown during that time.

DS is also showing signs of ND and is on the waiting list for assessment. He never slept as a baby and still struggles now, he comes into our bed every night and we have to lay with him to get him off to sleep each evening.
He is very clever, funny, quirky and loving. However, he is very demanding and high maintenance, for want of a better word. But I can’t help thinking how guilty I am that he won’t experience a sibling like me and my DH have. And I’m scared he’ll be lonely. Sometimes it seems like he is, although we do loads with him and meet up with friends a lot.

AIBU to feel like this?

I have the same mental dilemma.
My husband and I have thought about having a second child right from the moment we found out we were pregnant with our first.
I never thought I'd ever be a mum, let alone have two.
But I feel this strange pressure to have two.
I worry like most, my first will be lonely, or that family and friends will pity my first for being on their own... which I can't stand the thought of!
I struggled and still do struggle with the whole life shift of now being a parent. Don't get me wrong I love my little one to their bones!! They are nearly 2, I'm nearing 40, my mum had early menopause, so I feel I need to make a decision ASAP.

I have your situation but several years down the line (DC is 7yo). One is perfect for us. We make plenty of efforts to arrange social activities for them, and we also enjoy peaceful quiet down time in our own home. It's a good decision for us as people who need rest and recovery time. Our friends with two have lives that are far more hectic than I could cope with. I'd be a terrible mother to 2!

You were diagnosed as an adult with ADHD and Autism. You found the newborn and baby stage hard with your son. Your son is now 6 and your waiting for assessments for him as he has signs of being ND. Probably before you had him you and your husband could have talked about having 2 children or you feel it better to have 2 kid's.
Now your aware of the reality of having a baby and dealing with a child who may be ND.

In your situation I would not have another child. If you have one child with autism there is a higher chance of having another child with autism. The next child has a higher chance of having more issues than the 1st child also. I know several families where this has happened and it been very hard on the mother, father and kids. I know one couple who son has autism and they had another baby. He could not cope with the changes in his routine, did not like the baby crying and was liable to hurt the baby. His parents and older sibling were always watching him to make sure the baby was safe. Even now he prefers to do his own thing.

Also I think that having another child could be hard on you physically and mentally. At the moment your son is not sleeping well every night and comes into your bed. Your awaiting assessment and as you son gets older his needs will change. You need to be well both physically and mentally to deal with things as they come up for your son. Also you want to give your son the support and help he needs now which will help him more as he gets older.

One of my friends has an older child and a son X with autism. She is involved with a Facebook groups. She has done course and attended autism events. She had planned to have 3 kids but after her last child X she decided not to. She did not want another child with autism. Along with this she said I need to consider my own health and I want to give x time and have the money to spend on extras that will improve x life. X is now in his teens and is doing well.

Your not selfish by not having another baby but your doing what best for you, your husband and son both now and in the future. You need to keep physically and mentally well for your own sake also.

Your dc wouldn't necessarily experience the sibling relationship the way you and DH did - lots of people don't get on with their siblings at all (we've all seen the stories on here). Do what's right for you.