Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To have decided not to host this friend at my house until I've gone to hers

38 replies

Gotosleepeveryeffingone · 25/02/2025 05:29

Sorry long post but this has bothered me for a while now.

Growing up I remember hosting someone at your house was a big deal and to keep things fair there was an unwritten rule that once so and so aunty had come over with her family there would be an invite to come over to hers.
Now I appreciate my friend is not family and may not have had the same upbringing but in the last ten years I think I've been to her house once to visit her -she had 3 small children back then and I had none so I was happy to make the journey and since I moved into my current home less than 4 years ago she's been over 8-9 times at least. I've often hinted / out right said I'd love to visit you/ see how your place has changed / come over to yours but not once got an invite.

When the teacher strikes were happening I felt she took the proverbial p and kinda invited herself over, turned up a few hours late so I couldn't run errands in the morning and I know I didn't have to make so much effort but felt obliged to use my day off to ensure cleaner came, tidied whole house, cooked food for all of us and planned something fun for them to do. She didn't stick to shoes off policy when we nipped back to use bathroom despite having returned from a muddy park and her kid left literal sh*t on my toilet seat.She was the last one to use bathroom so she didn't clean it either.

We had a heated conversation when I was weeks away from giving birth and she wanted to come over again and I did not have the energy to host...she came over anyway as I mentioned I had another friend popping round in the afternoon she could swing by and she arrived in the evening and stayed till 10pm, when I couldn't even keep my eyes open whilst talking to her and the surprise friend she brought over.
YANBU = to not invite her to your house again
YABU = she's making the effort to come and see you.

OP posts:

timetodecide2345 · 25/02/2025 05:37

Don't you have the word NO in your vocabulary? She's a cheeky *** 'Can I come and stay?' NO. 'Hi I'm outside I've just dropped by' I'm busy go away' etc etc

olympicsrock · 25/02/2025 05:46

Do what makes you happy. I wouldn’t be giving her hospitality ( a meal or visit with fanfare) but a cuppa on your terms could be ok IF you want to. If you don’t the don’t ask her.

verycloakanddaggers · 25/02/2025 05:54

You're incorrect about that 'rule'. I've had friends who always come to me, friends where I always go them, and friends where we split it.

The issue is this 'friend' doesn't respect you or your boundaries, rather than the pattern of venues.

Killam · 25/02/2025 05:58

Make less effort. The effort you are making is a subconscious distance you are putting between yourself and having normal friends.

You don't have to be friends with this woman if you don't like her. She's not mandatory. But think, separately, about why you've made up complicated rules and a big fuss over people coming round. Let people (that you like) come round to your house - make it casual and easy - let yourself have a life like that. It's a happier way to be.

missdeamenor · 25/02/2025 06:02

Don't allow anyone to use and abuse your hospitality. Too many piss takers who think it's acceptable to invite themselves.

AgentJohnson · 25/02/2025 06:05

The issue is this 'friend' doesn't respect you or your boundaries, rather than the pattern of venues.

This

I don’t know why people insist on referring to people as friends when it’s clear they aren’t, unless CFuckery is a trait you are attracted to.

Fraaances · 25/02/2025 06:11

Oh hell no..... She's a leech. She has no respect for you or your boundaries. I think you need to state that she is lazy and entitled in relationships and your priorities lie elsewhere.

BillyNoProblems · 25/02/2025 06:34

You are under no obligation to invite her round yours, you can easily meet somewhere else, eg cafe or for a walk.

You seem to be putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself with getting the cleaner round, preparing food etc. There's no need for a big effort, have your friends round for a cup of tea or an oven pizza, keep it simple and it will become less of a big deal. Did you grow up with certain expectations on hosting?

B1indEye · 25/02/2025 06:41

The problem appears to stem from your upbringing, are there cultural reasons for what you describe as "hosting"?

Regardless, the solution is in your hands , don't invite her round again

Beesandhoney123 · 25/02/2025 06:46

She is not a friend. She is an acquaintance whom happen to have dc around the same age as yours. You are useful and think she likes you so put up with bad manners.

Don't let her in. Just say ' please don't drop in, I'm busy' you are allowed to be busy doing bugger all. It's not her call to make.

Put yourself and your dc first.

gettingthehangofsewing · 25/02/2025 06:47

I disagree with the turn taking, some people like to host others are less keen. But the way she treats you is poor, I'd dial back the friendship for that.

Original poster

Gotosleepeveryeffingone · 25/02/2025 06:49

@timetodecide2345 your post seems unnecessarily harsh. I very clearly did say no when I was pregnant and for good measure threw in an expletive - the hormones did not help.
@olympicsrock that second time was supposed to be exactly that, light and easy and I mentioned a friend was popping in for a cuppa tea and she was welcome to join...she just turned it into an evening thing with her arrival and did bring lots of food ..none of which I could actually eat due to GD during pregnancy mind..

OP posts:

MyIvyGrows · 25/02/2025 06:52

YABU for being such a pushover. Say no, mean it, and stick to it if you don’t want to host someone.

agree with a PP though that you seem to have a bit of a hang up about “hosting”. A friend coming over with their kids for a couple of hours shouldn’t be treated like a dinner party.

Original poster

Gotosleepeveryeffingone · 25/02/2025 06:54

@BillyNoProblems yes, I recognise from that first example yes I did put alot of effort in as it was the first time she was bringing all the kids round but since then I have not gone to anywhere near as much effort. Pizza in oven instead and snacks are whatever she brings etc.

Yes there is a cultural difference here so I wouldn't say I'm incorrect about the unwritten rule - it's just I was brought up with a different culture to hers.
I always thought she was ashamed of the state of her house and just didn't invite anyone over but when she mentioned she had family over etc I did start to think there is a real imbalance here and at times I've felt used as a way of getting away from kids and enjoying hanging out at my place.

OP posts:

Confrontayshunme · 25/02/2025 06:55

My DH has been funny about this with playdates. I would always assume that if someone doesn't invite you back that they have a good reason. My DD's best friend lives in a tiny flat, and her mum has never invited us to hers. DH thinks this is super weird, but I come from a culture where if you want to build a relationship, you host. People have all sorts of reasons they might not feel comfortable doing that.

That said, if you actually don't like hosting her, just stop inviting her. If she is rude and doesn't follow your house rules, she doesn't sound like much of a friend.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 25/02/2025 06:59

and kinda invited herself over, turned up a few hours late so I couldn't run errands in the morning and I know I didn't have to make so much effort but felt obliged to use my day off to ensure cleaner came, tidied whole house, cooked food for all of us and planned something fun for them to do. She didn't stick to shoes off policy when we nipped back to use bathroom despite having returned from a muddy park and her kid left literal sht on my toilet seat.She was the last one to use bathroom so she didn't clean it either*

I dont understand WHY you would allow ANY of this to happen?

You're allowing her to walk all over you and then whinging about it afterwards

Why do you do this?

WonderingWanda · 25/02/2025 07:10

verycloakanddaggers · 25/02/2025 05:54

You're incorrect about that 'rule'. I've had friends who always come to me, friends where I always go them, and friends where we split it.

The issue is this 'friend' doesn't respect you or your boundaries, rather than the pattern of venues.

This 100%

Arcticrival · 25/02/2025 07:25

One of my pet hates is people just turning up unannounced. I think it's really rude. Time to put your foot down and tell her to message you first to see if it's convenient. If she just turns up say it's not a good time and don't let her in. She will soon stop just turning up.

chaosmaker · 25/02/2025 07:27

Hate people in my house and often turn up unannounced to friends' houses. If they are busy or out, that's fine and I can leave. Not a problem here.

Endofyear · 25/02/2025 07:29

If you don't want to host her then don't. It doesn't sound like you like her much anyway!

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 25/02/2025 07:39

I can't see anything about her behaviour that deserves the title of friend, CF acquaintance seems more accurate. Do you get anything positive out of this relationship?

CoffeeCantata · 25/02/2025 07:43

Stand your ground, OP. And I'd actually say to her 'Not until I've had an invite to yours!'

ThejoyofNC · 25/02/2025 07:44

I agree OP that it's incredibly rude for her to continually expect you to host her and never return the favour. Anyone with an ounce of politeness and manners wouldn't do this.

Original poster

Gotosleepeveryeffingone · 25/02/2025 07:59

@Arcticrival to be fair she didn't actually turn up unannounced. The first visit with family was actually supposed to be us meeting up at a kid friendly museum/exhibition near my house but there were parking issues so she parked outside my house.

The cleaner was due to come that week anyway I just asked her to come earlier thinking it'd be out the way before I head out to see her.

Anyway lots of harsh comments here saying why let her turn up late etc etc the thing with these people is they tell you they are heading out so you think they'll be over soon and then you text them for updates when you think it's taking them a while and suddenly you find out they are an hour away or they say something vague like 'yeah not far' anyway lesson learned and since then have not invited her over with her messy kids.

OP posts:

Catza · 25/02/2025 08:31

I have an open house. Anyone can drop in any time for any reason. As a result, everyone knows that they are welcome but the house won't be a showroom. They are also told the rules - my house is your house, go anywhere, use anything and lounge on a sofa as much as you want, muck in with dishes and cleaning, bring snacks. I have one set of friends with the same attitude and I stay with them 100 times more than they stay with me as they are rarely in my neck of the woods. Life is easy when you are not keeping score and when friends visiting is not a major event.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread