To have decided not to host this friend at my house until I've gone to hers

[Gotosleepeveryeffingone]

Sorry long post but this has bothered me for a while now.

Growing up I remember hosting someone at your house was a big deal and to keep things fair there was an unwritten rule that once so and so aunty had come over with her family there would be an invite to come over to hers.
Now I appreciate my friend is not family and may not have had the same upbringing but in the last ten years I think I've been to her house once to visit her -she had 3 small children back then and I had none so I was happy to make the journey and since I moved into my current home less than 4 years ago she's been over 8-9 times at least. I've often hinted / out right said I'd love to visit you/ see how your place has changed / come over to yours but not once got an invite.

When the teacher strikes were happening I felt she took the proverbial p and kinda invited herself over, turned up a few hours late so I couldn't run errands in the morning and I know I didn't have to make so much effort but felt obliged to use my day off to ensure cleaner came, tidied whole house, cooked food for all of us and planned something fun for them to do. She didn't stick to shoes off policy when we nipped back to use bathroom despite having returned from a muddy park and her kid left literal sh*t on my toilet seat.She was the last one to use bathroom so she didn't clean it either.

We had a heated conversation when I was weeks away from giving birth and she wanted to come over again and I did not have the energy to host...she came over anyway as I mentioned I had another friend popping round in the afternoon she could swing by and she arrived in the evening and stayed till 10pm, when I couldn't even keep my eyes open whilst talking to her and the surprise friend she brought over.
YANBU = to not invite her to your house again
YABU = she's making the effort to come and see you.

Anyway lots of harsh comments here saying why let her turn up late etc etc they're not harsh comments, they're just expressions of how others enforce boundaries.

If you are happy with someone coming any time, then you say that and accept the fact they might come at any time. If you have a window say 2-4, then you say 'yes, you could come at 2 but I need to be finished by 4'. Then if they arrive at 3, you still show them the door at 4.

Boundaries have to be articulated and then stuck to. Then if someone keeps pushing, you put them in the 'not a friend' category and say no next time.

People who turn up unannounced here don’t get invited in.

I think she has different standards to you, doesn't invite you over as maybe her house is a bit scruffy, and she enjoys your clean tidy place. Maybe her family are used to this and don't care, but she feels she'd have to make an effort to clean up for you. Like you, I like to prepare for guests. TBH, she sounds a bit of a nightmare, personally I'd keep meetings to park, café etc. If you enjoy her company, have her over but be really firm about shoes off at the door and maybe make up an appointment you have late on, so they/she have to leave by a certain time.

I think it's probably best not to invite her again. Not because she needs to invite you to hers, but because inviting her to yours is putting you out so much.
PPs have suggested good strategies if you did want to have her over, like telling her what end time you have for the visit. You do need to be forceful enough to enforce this though, which depending on the friend might be ruder than you are comfortable with. A blanket ban is sometimes easier.

The problem (as on so many MN threads) seems to be that you don't like this woman. Why on earth are you pretending to be friends with her? Friendship is when two people enjoy each other's company and admire each other's personalities. Not forcing themselves to endure the company of someone they find annoying.

If you actually like someone all these transactional "rules" stop mattering. Some people enjoy hosting, some people don't like it, everyone's homes are different sizes, it's as simple as that.

I had a newish friend who did this. I don’t see her much any more.

you hate people in your home

but you turn up unannounced at theirs? Why?

If she turns up just say you're going out or whatever and don't let her in or to stay more than a short time.
Also, there's no need to provide food for everyone unless you want to.

I have friends who I very rarely go to their house, easily er fur me to have them at mine or out so doesn't bother me. But this isn't the issue here. The issue is her just imposing herself at her own convenience. Learn to say no. Also stand up and say 'lovely to see you but I'm bushed' and escort her to the door.

Oh no I wouldn't go so far as to say that. I have always really enjoyed the company of this friend and we knew each other since our student days - back then she would always be happy to visit me at my mum's and I never did see her student accomodation lol - but it wasn't so much of an issue back then. I have always found her to be incredibly generous, caring, patient and charitable and have admired her. It is just that this particular issue of having her over, especially now as a new mum navigating babies nap times etc I find how she conducts herself is not ok.

And for the third time....she has not turned up unannounced, I don't know where people are getting that idea from.

If she is such s good friend, of such longstanding, just tell her the rules of the house are “no shoes” snd clean up after yourself.

Maybe she feels she can't live up to your standard of hosting. Having a cleaner round and preparing a meal for a visit from a friend is a lot. I've never lived by the taking it in turns to visit either and nor do any of my friends or family, there are people that prefer to host and people who prefer to get out of the house.
Leaving her child's pooh in the bathroom and walking in with muddy shoes is taking the p though. I'd be more concerned about this than not having an invite to her home. It could be easily solved by making arrangements to meet elsewhere.

Cos that's how the dynamic works with my friends.