I think this is more of a rant/reassurance piece - apologies for the length!!
We have an au pair who has been with us for about a year and she has just told us that she is leaving today as she has been struggling with her mood (her grandmother died unexpectedly recently, which I completely understand) and she finds my son too difficult.
For context, we have provide all living expenses (accommodation, food, phone) as would be expected as well as double the amount in "pocket money" that an au pair would usually have, which we felt was the right thing to do given how expensive everything has become. We also cover the costs of meals out/takeaways etc for her and any guests that she has to visit. Basically, if she is with us or acting on behalf of us, we cover everything (as we should. I also feel that we went above and beyond (e.g. Letting her sister stay for nearly 3 months to get her out of an unpleasant situation, letting her bf stay for two months, finding her bf a job with visa sponsorship - we did this, not to get anything in return, but because we felt it was a nice/good/right thing to do).
In terms of duties, I cook and clean and do her laundry, so there is no expectation on that front (aside from keeping her room clean). We did originally ask her to keep on top of the dusting which she never really consistently did, but was never a hill to die on that she doesn't really help around the house. For childcare, she has my three year old two days a week during term time (9-5) and a bit more during the holidays. There was a period of time (3 months) where we needed more from her (9-5, mon-Fri), but we got her agreement and paid her a "Nanny" rate as well as covering all that we would usually. My husband and I also work from home so it is not unusual for us to take him for a bit most days.
Our son (3M) is a darling 90% of the time, but I do fully accept he can be a brat. He knows his own mind and can lash out when frustrated. We have never let this go unchecked and have tried to make sure that we are there to support in any way. He really did not warm to her initially so we worked really hard with her to get it working and made it really clear to her that communication is key - if there is a problem, let us know and we will work with you (as we have done in the past) - we are not going to see everything, so if there is a problem, please let us know before it goes too far so we can sort it. We have also never (I feel) been unreasonable when we have had to talk to her. There were a couple of incidents (left him unattended at soft play to go to the loo, had a tequila cocktail on a lunch out with her bf that made her woozy) where we have said something, but were not angry, just calmly explained why we were unhappy with this.
So anyway, about a month ago she was saying how wonderful little chap was and how is behaviour has improved so much etc. so we thought everything was rosey. Fast forward a couple of weeks and her grandmother unexpectedly died. We were very sympathetic (as we should be) and immediately gave her compassionate leave to go home, lent her £1000 for the flights and off she went. When she came back, all was fine for ten days, but then she started acting oddly. Admittedly at that point, my son was poorly and it was painful for him to go for a wee and he was lashing out about going to the loo (I tried to make sure I took him most of the time, but it wasn't always possible. I did also try and coach her into what was working). We also noticed that she was essentially just parking him in front of the TV and was on her phone most of the time so tried to encourage her to take him out/play with his toys etc.
Anyway, she dropped the bombshell on us this morning that she hadn't been feeling herself, our son was too much (and she had felt this way for the entire 12 months) and she was leaving. It completely blindsided us. She wanted to continue working with us for 2/3 months so that she had more money and her bf would have moved to the UK by then so she could live with him.
She was very surprised when I said no to the 2/3 months and said it would be a maximum of a month (the notice period is actually 2 weeks, but I am not a monster). I checked that she has somewhere to go (her other grandmothers) and we worked out a payment plan for the £1200 she owes us to make sure she has cash. I am now thinking that I want her to go asap (paying her a month in lieu of notice) as it is awkward (for her as well), we will need to find a replacement and so will need her room back, and I do not feel that I can allow someone who has said they are leaving because they cannot manage my son to continue looking after him for a further 3 months. The added compounding factor is that I am 4.5 months pregnant (there was no expectation to help with baby until much older) so want him all sorted out with his new nanny as far in advance of his sibling's arrival as possible. He is tightly bonded to au pair so I feel that her leaving, a replacement and a new sibling in a six week period is way too much for him. Am I being unreasonable in this??!!
I am quite pragmatic - if she had told me she wanted to go and live with bf, I would have understood - nothing personal and all that. The issue is that she says it is my son, but has never spoken up despite regular check ins/ discussions etc. if she had spoken up, we could have potentially avoided all of this. In that regard, I feel let down and am questioning am I a good mother? Is my three year old really horrid? He goes to a pre prep school and they as well as anyone else who looks after him (including his former nanny who has kept in close contact) wax lyrical about what a lovely, bright boy he is, with no issues (other than knowing his own mind!)
Apologies for the long post, a lot to get off my chest and this has been rather cathartic!