Au pair

[20623n]

I think this is more of a rant/reassurance piece - apologies for the length!!

We have an au pair who has been with us for about a year and she has just told us that she is leaving today as she has been struggling with her mood (her grandmother died unexpectedly recently, which I completely understand) and she finds my son too difficult.

For context, we have provide all living expenses (accommodation, food, phone) as would be expected as well as double the amount in "pocket money" that an au pair would usually have, which we felt was the right thing to do given how expensive everything has become. We also cover the costs of meals out/takeaways etc for her and any guests that she has to visit. Basically, if she is with us or acting on behalf of us, we cover everything (as we should. I also feel that we went above and beyond (e.g. Letting her sister stay for nearly 3 months to get her out of an unpleasant situation, letting her bf stay for two months, finding her bf a job with visa sponsorship - we did this, not to get anything in return, but because we felt it was a nice/good/right thing to do).

In terms of duties, I cook and clean and do her laundry, so there is no expectation on that front (aside from keeping her room clean). We did originally ask her to keep on top of the dusting which she never really consistently did, but was never a hill to die on that she doesn't really help around the house. For childcare, she has my three year old two days a week during term time (9-5) and a bit more during the holidays. There was a period of time (3 months) where we needed more from her (9-5, mon-Fri), but we got her agreement and paid her a "Nanny" rate as well as covering all that we would usually. My husband and I also work from home so it is not unusual for us to take him for a bit most days.

Our son (3M) is a darling 90% of the time, but I do fully accept he can be a brat. He knows his own mind and can lash out when frustrated. We have never let this go unchecked and have tried to make sure that we are there to support in any way. He really did not warm to her initially so we worked really hard with her to get it working and made it really clear to her that communication is key - if there is a problem, let us know and we will work with you (as we have done in the past) - we are not going to see everything, so if there is a problem, please let us know before it goes too far so we can sort it. We have also never (I feel) been unreasonable when we have had to talk to her. There were a couple of incidents (left him unattended at soft play to go to the loo, had a tequila cocktail on a lunch out with her bf that made her woozy) where we have said something, but were not angry, just calmly explained why we were unhappy with this.

So anyway, about a month ago she was saying how wonderful little chap was and how is behaviour has improved so much etc. so we thought everything was rosey. Fast forward a couple of weeks and her grandmother unexpectedly died. We were very sympathetic (as we should be) and immediately gave her compassionate leave to go home, lent her £1000 for the flights and off she went. When she came back, all was fine for ten days, but then she started acting oddly. Admittedly at that point, my son was poorly and it was painful for him to go for a wee and he was lashing out about going to the loo (I tried to make sure I took him most of the time, but it wasn't always possible. I did also try and coach her into what was working). We also noticed that she was essentially just parking him in front of the TV and was on her phone most of the time so tried to encourage her to take him out/play with his toys etc.

Anyway, she dropped the bombshell on us this morning that she hadn't been feeling herself, our son was too much (and she had felt this way for the entire 12 months) and she was leaving. It completely blindsided us. She wanted to continue working with us for 2/3 months so that she had more money and her bf would have moved to the UK by then so she could live with him.

She was very surprised when I said no to the 2/3 months and said it would be a maximum of a month (the notice period is actually 2 weeks, but I am not a monster). I checked that she has somewhere to go (her other grandmothers) and we worked out a payment plan for the £1200 she owes us to make sure she has cash. I am now thinking that I want her to go asap (paying her a month in lieu of notice) as it is awkward (for her as well), we will need to find a replacement and so will need her room back, and I do not feel that I can allow someone who has said they are leaving because they cannot manage my son to continue looking after him for a further 3 months. The added compounding factor is that I am 4.5 months pregnant (there was no expectation to help with baby until much older) so want him all sorted out with his new nanny as far in advance of his sibling's arrival as possible. He is tightly bonded to au pair so I feel that her leaving, a replacement and a new sibling in a six week period is way too much for him. Am I being unreasonable in this??!!

I am quite pragmatic - if she had told me she wanted to go and live with bf, I would have understood - nothing personal and all that. The issue is that she says it is my son, but has never spoken up despite regular check ins/ discussions etc. if she had spoken up, we could have potentially avoided all of this. In that regard, I feel let down and am questioning am I a good mother? Is my three year old really horrid? He goes to a pre prep school and they as well as anyone else who looks after him (including his former nanny who has kept in close contact) wax lyrical about what a lovely, bright boy he is, with no issues (other than knowing his own mind!)

Apologies for the long post, a lot to get off my chest and this has been rather cathartic!

Now this I do agree with! The awkwardness is that she wants to stay on 2 months beyond her notice period and is quite grumpy when I said that that wouldn't work!

Yanbu - she sounds like a spoilt brat. You were too good to her and now she's walking all over you. She wants everything her way- telling you she wants another 3 months having demonstrated and shown that she can't care for your son adequately. She's only in it for the money. I would get rid of her asap, don't worry about being fair. She hasn't kept up her side of the bargain. Your son is most important in all of this. I wouldn't give her a reference for another childcare role either, she obviously doesn't have the traits required for working with children.

I think you probably need to think about boundaries more with your next au pair. The length of time you have had her friends and family to stay is frankly a bit strange in my opinion. You do her laundry?? You pay for her guest’s take-out as a somewhat regular thing? You have massively blurred the lines. It seems to have then given you a sense that she owes you. That she has to live your son as much as you do. She doesn’t. She has given you really good notice.
If you don’t want her to stay at this point that is entirely fine. But all of the back story of how much you have given her was your choice. It doesn’t mean she is indebted to you.

@Thornybush She's only in it for the money.
Like every single other employee on the planet? Otherwise it wouldn’t be a job.

I see this the other way. She could have kept quiet about her plans to leave and just told with two weeks notice when you were heavily pregnant. She is trying to give you a chance to plan and you are being cross with her for it. I don’t think she could have won either way.

All fair points. It was a massive vent post, which has not and certainly will not translate to words or behaviours in the real world. We all need an outlet and better an online forum than bottling it up and frustration spilling out into everyday life.

in terms of the "irrelevant" information, i probably went into too much detail, but i have heard/come across some unscrupulous families who use au pairs as sole childcare (without adequately compensating them) and wanted to make the point that we went above and beyond to make sure she was comfortable.

I completely disagree. Particularly when working with children. You should at least like children , not just take it because you have no experience in anything else. I babysat as a teen and always loved spending time with the kids. Money was a bonus.

Not at all. She certainly doesn't owe me anything and even given that she is leaving, I have still worked with her to make sure she won't be in a bad situation. Certainly not for gratitude, but because she is living in a foreign country.

i probably went into too much detail, but i have heard/come across some unscrupulous families who use au pairs as sole childcare (without adequately compensating them) and wanted to make the point that we went above and beyond to make sure she was comfortable. I have no real issue with her leaving. In terms of her bf, he is a 24 hour flight away and they don't have much money so we allowed it as she would only see him once a year otherwise. Her sister was because she was in an abusive situation with her host family and had nowhere else to go that she could work whilst she saved for her flight home. In terms of paying for stuff, I have never felt she owed us for that. We just have more so have been happy to pay it forward.

OP, there is no reason to keep someone around when you're uneasy with the care they provide to your child. Ultimately you need childcare that you can trust.

My frustration is not her leaving, that is fine
she must do what is best for her and I would rather this than her stay, but rather not speaking up about issues before they became so deep rooted. She is more an extra pair of hands than critical childcare.

I’m glad you have said you are looking to hire a nanny now/next. The specifics are one thing, but a lot of au pairs would battle with that much sole care of a child imo, so I think you’ll find a nanny more helpful.

"Lashing out"? Is your son constantly hitting and hurting her? Perhaps she's at the end of her tether with this and doesn't fancy being assaulted at work, even if it's by a small child. I can't imagine tolerating this is pleasant, particularly when going through a bereavement. You also sound a bit controlling with your outrage that she had one whole cocktail whilst out for lunch with her boyfriend. She presumably wasn't looking after your son at the time?

But you also said you wish she'd said something sooner! You can't have it both ways.

in terms of the actual inconvenience, it is relatively minimal to us. She is an extra pair of hands rather than essential childcare.
So what's the big deal? As PP say you're taking it personally.

As she lives in i don't think you should or can give her less notice than her contract (with pay in lieu) but you don't have to keep her for 3 months.

Focus your energy and attention on finding a new au pair, and perhaps consider whether a nanny wouldn't suit you better.

I agree- most three year olds I know are darlings far less than 90% of the time!

You sound like a wonderful generous family OP. Back in the days when I was an aupair in the States I worked 7-5, admittely most of the time with the sahm (but not all) taking care of a baby, 2 year old and a 4 year old. The 4 year old was a little monster at the time (throwing things at his younger sister, saying "I'm gonna poke you in the eye" when being told to stop etc.). To be fair the mum was strict on behaviour and he was sent to his room every time. The problem is that I only knew how to be gentle with children which worked out fine with the 2 year old and the baby who were lovely but the 4 year old needed someone with more authority than I had (ha wish I could go back in time and I would get him sorted-by being very firm not suggesting anything else). The thing is you don't have enough confidence as a young aupair to deal with bratty behaviour so children like that need an older/qualified carer to put them straight. If I were you I would go for a nanny and tell her that you want her to be firm with him when needed.

As for the girls behaviour I find it weird that she would give your son's behaviour as a cause for leaving. I think it's more the emotional toll of her bereavement making it harder for her to deal with your son. I would ask her to leave sooner rather than later because she clearly doesn't like your son and it's not fair to him having someone who doesn't like him taking care of him.

Just chipping in to tell you to ignore the posters trying to blame this on your kid, he's a 3 year old ffs! Unbelievable.
I'd be keen to let her go ASAP, now she's made her position clear I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her in charge of him. You may never see the £1200 she owes you.
And agree you'd be better off with a nanny for the future if you want in-home childcare.

He runs to the corner and says no, go away. I'm certainly not condoning that, but I needed to her to tell me what was going on so I could help manage it.
in terms of the cocktail, my son was with her. I had been told they were going out on the train. I wouldn't have even taken major issue with that if she hadn't then driven him and came home and told me she felt a bit woozy. I didn't "tell her off", but waited a day and then sat her down and said I wasn't comfortable with her drinking hard spirits whilst out and about with my son and certainly not when driving. She was very apologetic and never did it again so I left it at that.
quite frankly, as long as it wasn't impacting on my son, I wouldn't have cared if she were hammered every night!

I agree with pp, she’s been spoilt and now wants to dictate her terms of leaving which is very cheeky. I can’t believe you let her sister then bf stay for months! I was an au pair at 18, I couldn’t have asked that!

She hasn't said anything awful about your son. By your own admission he does lash out at her or has done in the past so I expect that's part of the problem. I'm always a bit wary when parents say a young child knows their own mind. IME that means tantrums, refusing to do what you ask them (doesn't matter what it is) and as someone quite young she struggles to deal with that.
In terms of her leaving I suppose you are entitled to do as you wish. As long as you pay her for the month there should be no problem.
I do think you need to accept that some people will find your son hard work. You say she should have talked to you but I think it can see why she didn't.

This is one of those IABU when whatever is the said the OP will counter with another piece of information.

We get it’s a vent.

You enable the au pair by treating her well. So was she, or was she not capable of looking after your child, as you’ve given contradictory views. Seems it was fine until she handed her notice in and now it’s not.

You talk about some of your child behaviours. We don’t know what that really looks like but when the au pair raises it you get defensive. Imagine a younger person tied to their employer by accommodation giving feedback about their child.

She gave you 2-3 month notice but now is being cheeky and you want her out in 1.

She is not the main childcare so it doesn’t really matter, so you’re consumed by it because.

And so on.

Said something sooner before she got to the stage she felt like this so we could have managed the situation and provided more support where needed. Quite frankly, if my boy is being a brat I a) need to make sure that he is disciplined appropriately so bad behaviours do not take root (and I am not talking physical punishment) and b) have a responsibility to my employee to help manage this

of course I will be honouring notice periods and payment, that wasn't in question. More just that she wanted to stay on longer than her notice period.

i am taking this very personally in terms of venting in this forum, but i am doing so to let my frustrations out and it will not move into everyday life.

Thank you. Yes, particularly with new baby on way we will be going down the nanny route. We had one for 2 years before this and she only left because she needed more hours than we could give

I think a lot of the situation at the moment is down to timing. It's come to a head for her because of her bereavement and for you because you're pregnant and want your son settled before the new baby comes.

I do think there is a lot of immaturity and entitlement from your au pair. Expecting her notice to run exactly as she wants, for example, no consideration that you need the room back for a new employee. She seems to see you as a parent figure, probably because you've given her so much, she expects it as the norm that her needs are met first.

I agree with the other poster who said that doing too much tends to inevitably backfire. It raises expectations and I think makes us seem like a bit of a pushover that others don't need to consider (I don't think this is just an age thing on her part, being selfish, I've had adults my age do the same thing). I think having firm boundaries and laying out expectations at the beginning is better for everyone and avoids anyone taking advantage.

I used to be an au pair and went home for 2 weeks as my mother was very ill in hospital. She did recover. But I found it very hard to return to the au pair placement after that.

Being an au pair is hard and can be lonely, you don't have the resources to deal with the toddler behaviour and you don't have the mum friends.

She's stayed a year so she can't be that bad. And neither can you. She's tried to give you a decent notice period.

I would let her work a month and then get rid, as long as she isn't a risk to your son.

It does seem odd that you are obviously loaded and yet use cheap unqualified inexperienced childcare for your precious son. If you're around all the time why not look after him yourself? His behaviour is probably bad because he wants you and not the au pair.

Sounds like you have gone over and beyond for her, which was your choice.
Maybe childcare isn't her thing, and she has realised that. Maybe she will try au aupairing again, and find all children equally difficult. It wouldn't have been for me at a young age.
I would stick to the month. Hopefully it will fly by. At least it gices you time to sort out alternatives. She has been OK until now, the excuse of your son being difficult, well all three year olds are difficult. Its actually the age that is the hardest work as they are mobile but still dependant.
We switched childminders and nursery a few times before my son started school and he now actually can't remember any of them bar his last nursery, he has no recollection of the childminder eho looked after him from age 2 to 3 or the after nursery nanny we employed. I wouldnt worry about the bonding thing.