Suspicious payee on husbands online banking

[Jakethesnack]

So we have had a rough patch lately. We have mismatched sex drives and a few other issues.

I met a friend for a drink tonight so was out of the house for 2 hours.

When I came home we went through some money stuff and I saw on DH's phone his last payee was a woman's name - we don't know anyone of this name and it isn't anyone he works with either. I'm pretty sure the transaction was £10 but can't be sure. It's really bothering me.

I've tried googling the name and one woman comes up in our town but no mutual friends on FB or anything. I was wondering if it was an onlyfans person but then he wouldn't be doing a bank transfer to her would he?

I realise I must sound a bit paranoid but me and DH have a very small social circle and he tells me everything so I'm really not sure what this could be.

He could have been paying for something off Marketplace?

He doesn't use FB and I don't think he has ever bought anything from marketplace.

Why don't you just ask him?

If this happened to me, my first thought would be something off marketplace, eBay, some selling site because Dh is always insisting we need a new wheelbarrow or a bread machine or a new tyre for his bike or some other random shite. It wouldn’t even occur to me to think OF. Realistically, if we’re talking someone local and sex work (why seek out someone local otherwise?) 10 quid isn’t going to get you far!

Because I not in a place of trusting him right now and I don't want to go pointing fingers.

No I don't think it would be in person but perhaps some kind of porn.

My DH never buys anything unless it's something for him - usually games. So no risk of it being for something home related / DIY.

Collecting money to contribute to gift for someone retiring from work/leaving/going on mat leave

Did you ask him?
I’ve been in a similar position with DP where we were looking through his transactions for something and saw he had a female Payee.
I asked “who’s that?” and he explained and it was completely believable.

Are you sure it was most recent? And not organised by name/amount etc.
Payees are saved for years unless manually deleted.

I believe OnlyFans subscriptions are through the bank as a direct debit from what I’ve heard but don’t quote me on that as I’m not certain.

I’m female but I’ve got lots of random female Payees from marketplace or buying cupcakes/swimming lessons/childcare etc.

£10 could be part payment for a work colleague gift or something innocent like that.

I have tons of random payees on our account. My partner is always wondering who the random is that's appeared!

Reasons for new payees for me: ordering desserts from Instagram local stores, ordering cake toppers (I bake), buying clothes on Facebook, charity donations or collections for staff gifts at work, ordering tat for the kids (just this week I've ordered a Kinder egg holder for Christmas from a local girl), holiday club payments, florist deposit, afternoon tea purchase to be delivered to a friend on her birthday. The list goes on.

Can't think that it would be this as he is stingy and would give no more than £5. Also he has a small team at work and they're all men.

Or something similar then, buying something gaming related?

You absolutely know every single person he works with?

Sponsored walk for a colleague?

Come on. Why would he seek out someone local on Only Fans and pay her just £10? It makes no sense.

Just say I think we are being scammed and I'm going to report that payment

Maybe the wife or partner of one of his colleagues is doing something like a charity skydive and he contributed £10?

Could be a collection at work?

^ my first thought too.
At my DH’s place of work there is always something like this or someone running a marathon.

All of mine like this are for leaving presents/big birthdays/funeral flowers etc from work. Usually a round number one off payment of £10 or £20 pounds depending on the occasion.

Also, for some added comfort (unless somebody says I’m wrong), I’ve never known a subscription to anything be dead on £10.00.

They’re always £9.99, £14.99, £19.99 etc. it’s a sales technique so if the cost was exactly £10 it’s likely he’s paid for something innocent/explainable.

It’s really hard learning to trust somebody again.

I'd be very surprised if it was work related as I said they're all blokes, also he'd give £5 if it was leaving gifts or anything like that ( we are poor )

He is incredibly insular and has 2 friends. He doesn't buy things from FB marketplace.

He is a gamer and he is very into porn 🥴 so I suspect it's something to do with the latter.

Buying worn pants?

So you're going through his finances and bank account transactions but you can't ask him what it's for? Could be anything... my bin cleaner is on my bank statement as his name, my PT is his name, the window cleaner is his name! I have a couple of the lads from work, who take bank transfers if they do a buttie run rather than loads of cash being passed about? Jesus... just ask

This kind of stuff will drive you absolutely mad and turn you into 'that woman'. It isn't worth it. You'll never know. You've convinced yourself it's for only fans or such like. You'll torture yourself and wind yourself up into despair and take it out on him and the resentments will grow.

If you really are convinced, you have to be sure what your next move is. You've got to be willing to act on your word. I.e leaving him. If not, you digging around is pointless and only punishes you.

I never look through my husbands phone now. Used to years ago. Then I'd wind myself up and seethe and stew if I found a porn site or something. Then I stopped caring and started living. People will do whatever they want- regardless of whether you're checking their phone. I wasn't willing to leave my DH over a bit of porn, we have a lovely family. So I just stopped looking and now I'm happier. Maybe he does still indulge , maybe he doesn't. Who knows ! But me monitoring will not make a blind bit of difference to the outcome.

To reiterate - if you're going to dig, be ready for the answer. Know your next move and stick to it, eg leaving. If you're not ultimately going to do anything about it, let sleeping dogs lie and stop looking for things.

That’s a good point. My window cleaner is called James and I pay him exactly £10 a time 😂 he’s down as a Payee on my bank as James Surname.